Season-01

DH SE01 E01

Desperate Housewives Season-01 episode-01

My name is Mary Alice Young.

When you read this morning's paper,

you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week.

Normally, there's never anything newsworthy about my life,

but that all changed last thursday.

Of course, everything seemed quite normal at first.

I made breakfast for my family.

I performed my chores.

I completed my projects.

I ran my errands.

In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day,

quietly polishing the routine of my life

until it gleamed with perfection.

That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet

and retrieve a revolver that had never been used.

My body was discovered by my neighbor,

Mrs. Martha Huber,

who'd been startled by a strange popping sound.

Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason

for dropping in on me unannounced.

After some initial hesitation,

she decided to return the blender she

had borrowed from me six months before.

It's my neighbor. I think she's been shot.

There's blood everywhere.

Yes, you've got to send an ambulance.

You've got to send one right now.

And, for a moment,

Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen,

grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy.

But only for a moment.

If there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for,

it was her ability to look on the bright side.

I was laid to rest on a Monday.

After the funeral, all the residents of Wisteria Lane

came to pay their respects.

And, as people do in these situations,

they brought food.

Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken.

Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken.

Of course, she didn't cook much

while moving up the corporate ladder.

She didn't have the time.

But when her doctor announced she was pregnant,

her husband Tom had an idea.

"Why not quit your job?"

"Kids do better with stay-at-home moms."

"It would be so much less stressful."

But this was not the case.

In fact, Lynette's life had become so hectic

she was now forced to get her chicken

from the fast-food restaurant.

Lynette would've appreciated

the irony if she'd thought about it.

But she couldn't. She didn't have the time.

Stop it, stop it, stop it. - But, mom.

No. You are going to behave today.

I am not going to be humiliated

in front of the entire neighborhood.

And, just so you know how seerious I am...

What's that?

Santa's cell-phone number.

How did you get that?

I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf.

And if any of you acts up,

so help me, I will call Santa

and I will tell him you want socks for Christmas.

Are you willing to risk that?

Ok. Let's get this over with.

Gabrielle Solis who lives down the

block brought a spicy paella.

Since her modeling days in New York,

Gabrielle had developed a taste

for rich food...

...and rich men.

Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisitions,

proposed on their third date.

Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes.

But she soon discovered this happened

every time Carlos closed a big deal.

Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot.

However, her relationship with her

husband was considerably cooler.

If you talk to Al Mason at this thing,

I want you to casually mention

how much I paid for your necklace.

Why not pin the receipt to my chest?

He let me know how much he paid

for his wife's convertible.

Look, just work it into the conversation.

There's no way I can just work that in, Carlos.

Why not? At the Donahue party,

everyone was talking mutual funds.

You found a way to mentioned you slept with

half the Yankee outfield.

I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation.

Hey, people are starting to stare.

Can you keep your voice down, please?

Absolutely. We wouldn't want

them to think we're not happy.

Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door,

brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch.

Bree was known for her cooking,

and for making her own clothes,

and for doing her own gardening,

and for re-upholstering her own furniture.

Yes, Bree's many talents were known

throughout the neighborhood.

Everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of

Bree as the perfect wife and mother.

Everyone, that is, except her own family.

Paul. Zachary.

Hello, Mrs. Van De Kamp.

Bree, you shouldn't have gone to all this trouble.

It was no trouble at all.

Now, the basket with the red ribbon

is filled with desserts for your guests,

but the one with the blue ribbon

is just for you and Zachary.

It's got rolls, muffins,

breakfast type things.

Thank you.

Well, the least I could do is make sure

you boys had a decent meal

to look forward to in the morning.

I know you're out of your minds with grief.

Yes, we are.

Of course, I will need the baskets back once you're done.

Of course.

Susan Mayer, who lives across the street,

brought macaroni and cheese.

Her husband, Karl, always teased her about her macaroni,

saying it was the only thing she knew how

to cook and she rarely made it well.

It was too salty the night she

and Karl moved into their house.

It was too watery the night she

found lipstick on Karl's shirt.

She burned it the night Karl told her

he was leaving her for his secretary.

A year had passed since the divorce.

Susan had started to think how nice it

would be to have a man in her life.

Even one who would make fun of her cooking.

Mom, why would someone kill themselves?

Well, sometimes people are so unhappy,

they think that's the only way to solve their problems.

Mrs. Young always seemed happy. - Yeah.

Sometimes people pretend to be one way,

when they're totally different on the inside.

Oh, you mean like how dad's girlfriend always smiling and says

nice things, but we know she's a bitch.

I don't like that word, Julie.

But, yeah, that's a great example.

You're welcome.

What's going on?

Sorry I'm late.

Hi, Susan. - Hey.

So, what did Karl say when you confronted him?

You'll love this. He said...

"It doesn't mean anything. It was just sex."

Ah, yes, page one of the philanderer's handbook.

Yeah, and then he got this zen look on his face,

and he said, "you know, Susan,

most men live lives of quiet desperation."

Please tell me you punched him.

No. I said, "Really? And what do most women

lead lives of noisy fulfillment?"

Hmm. Good for you.

I mean, of all people,

did he have to bang his secretary?

I had that woman over for brunch.

It's like my grandmother always said --

an erect penis doesn't have a conscience.

Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.

This is half the reason I joined the NRA.

Well, when Rex started going to those medical conferences,

I wanted it in the back of his mind that

he had a loving wife at home

with a loaded Smith & Wesson.

Lynnie, Tom's always away on business.

Do you ever worry he might?

Oh, please, the man's gotten me pregnant three times in four years.

I wish he was having sex with someone else.

So, Susan, is he gonna stop seeing that woman?

I don't know.

I'm sorry, you guys, I just...

I just don't know how I'm gonna survive this.

Listen to me.

We all have moments of desperation.

If we can face them head-on, that's when

we'd find out how strong we really are.

Susan.

Susan.

I was just saying Paul wants us to go over on friday.

He needs us to go to Mary Alice's closet

and help pack up her things.

He says he can't face doing it by himself.

Sure. That's fine. - Are you ok?

Yeah. I'm just so angry.

If Mary Alice was having problems,

she should have come to us. She should've let us help her.

What problems could she have had? She was healthy,

had a great home, a nice family. Her life was...

Our life.

No. If Mary Alice was having a crisis,

we'd have known.

She lives 50 feet away, for god sakes.

Gabby, the woman killed herself.

Something must've been going on.

I wouldn't eat that if I were you. - Why?

I made it. Trust me.

Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?

No, I just refused to believe that anybody

can screw up macaroni and cheese.

Oh, my god.

How did you...? It tastes like

it's burnt and undercooked.

Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.

Thanks. I'm Mike Delfino.

I just started renting the Sims' house next door.

Susan Mayer. I live across the street.

Mrs. Huber told me about you,

said you illustrate children's books.

Yeah, I'm very big with the under-five set.

What do you do?

Plumber. So if you ever have a clog...

...or something.

Now that everybody's seen that I brought something,

I should probably just throw this out.

Ease up, you little vampire.

Lynette, I've been looking all over for you.

Are you aware of what your sons are doing?

Cannonball!

Stop!

What are you doing? We are at a wake.

Oh my god. You said we could go in the pool.

I said you could go by the pool.

Do you have your swimsuits on?

Yeah, we put 'em on ourselves before we left.

You three planned this? All right. That's it. Get out.

No. - No?

I am your mother. You have to do what I say. Come on.

We want to swim and you can't stop us!

Here.

No! - Get out.

Think I won't get in this pool and just grab you? Get out!

Get over here.

Get over here.

All right, give me your arm.

You...

That's right. Get over here.

Go, go, go, go, go. Move it.

Out. Get out.

Paul, we have to leave now.

Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Go.

Lynette shouldn't have been so concerned about my husband.

He had other things on his mind. Things below the surface.

The morning after my funeral, my friends

and neighbors quietly went back

to their busy, busy lives.

While some did their cooking...

...And some did their cleaning...

...And some did their yoga...

...Others...

...did their "homework".

Hi...

I'm Julie. I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard.

Oh, ok. Well, let's go round and get it.

Stay

His wife died a year ago. He wanted to stay in LA,

but here were too many memories.

He's renting for tax purposes,

but hopes to buy a place soon.

I can't believe you went over there

Hey, I saw you both flirting at the wake.

You are obviously into each other

Now you know he's single, you can ask him out.

Julie, I like Mr. Delfino, I do.

I just... I don't know if I'm ready to start dating yet.

You need to get back out there.

Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex?

Are you mad that I asked you that?

No, I'm trying to remember.

I don't want to talk to you about my love life any more.

It warns me out

I wouldn't have said anything.It's just...

What?

I heard dad's girlfriend ask if you'd

dated anyone since the divorce.

And dad said he doubted it.

And then they both laughed.

Hey, Susan.

Hi, Mike. I brought you a little house-warming gift.

I should've brought something by earlier, but

Actually, you're the first to stop by. - Really?

Susan knew she was lucky.

An eligible bachelor had moved on to Wisteria Lane - Welcome

and she was the first to find out.

But she also knew that good news...

Hello there. - ...Travels quickly.

Edie Britt was the most predatory

divorce in a five-block radius.

Her conquests were numerous.

Varied.

and legendary.

Hi, Susan. I hope I'm not interrupting.

You must be Mike Delfino.

Hi, I'm Edie... Britt.

I live over there.

Welcome to Wisteria Lane.

Susan had met the enemy. And she was a slut.

Thank you. What's this?

Sausage puttanesca.

It's just something I threw together.

Well, thanks, Edie.

That's... great. I'd invite you both in,

but I was sort of in the middle of something.

I'm late for an appointment.

I just wanted to say hi.

And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun.

For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie

would remain friendly.

Oh, Mike, I heard you're a plumber.

But she was reminded that when it came to men...

Do you think you could stop by later and take a look at my pipes?

...Women don't fight fair. - Sure.

Thanks.

Bye, Susan.

You can't order me around like I am a child.

Gabrielle.

No, no. I'm not going.

It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives.

Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.

I made over 200,000 doing business with him last year.

If he wants to grab your ass, you let him.

John.

Mr. Solis, you scared me.

Why is that bush there? You were supposed to dig it up last week.

I didn't have time. - I don't want to hear your excuses.

Just take care of it.

I really hate the way you talk to me.

And I hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace

which you couldn't live without.

But I'm learning to deal with it.

So can I tell Tanaka we'll be there tomorrow?

John, we have bandages top shelf in the kitchen.

Thanks, Mrs. Solis.

Fine, I'll go.

But I'm keeping my back pressed

against the wall the entire time.

See, now this is what a marriage is all about.

Compromise.

Is your finger ok? - Yeah, it's just a small cut.

Let me see. Mmm.

You know, Mrs. Solis, I really like it when we hook up,

but, um, you know, I got to get my work done and...

...I can't afford to lose this job.

This table was hand-carved.

Carlos had it imported from Italy.

It cost him $23,000.

You want to do it on the table this time?

Absolutely.

Why can't we ever have normal soup?

Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.

Just once,

couldn't we have a soup that people have heard of?

Like French onion or navy bean.

First of all, your father can't eat onions.

He's deathly allergic. And I won't

even dignify your navy bean suggestion.

So... how's the osso buco?

It's ok. - It's ok?

Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal.

How do you think it makes me feel when you

say "it's okay" in that sullen tone?

Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?

Excuse me?

Tim Harper's mom gets home from work,

pops open a can of pork and beans,

and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy.

You'd rather I serve pork and beans?

Apologize now. I am begging.

I'm saying,

do you always have to serve cuisine?

Can't we ever just have food?

Are you doing drugs? - What?

Change in behavior is one of the warning signs,

and you have been as fresh as

paint for the last six months.

That certainly would explain

why you're always locked in the bathroom.

Trust me, that is not what he is doing.

Shut up.

Mom, I'm not the one with the problem here, all right?

You're the one always acting like

she's running for mayor of Stepford.

Rex... Seeing that you're the head of this household,

I would really appreciate you saying something.

Pass thee salt?

Three days after my funeral,

Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion.

Indignation.

Tom, this is my fifth message,

and you still haven't called me back.

Well, you must be having a lot of fun

on your business trip. I can only imagine.

Well, guess what -- The kids and I want to have some fun, too,

so unless you call me back by noon,

we are getting on a plane and joining you.

Mom.

Not now. Mommy's threatening daddy.

Mom. - No, I...

Where are your brothers? - Noodles, my favorite.

Lyneettee Scavo? - Crap.

Natalie Klein. I don't believe it.

Lynette. How long has it been?

Years. Uh, how are you?

How's the firm?

Good. Everyone misses you.

We all say if you hadn't quit,

you'd be running the place by now.

Yeah, well.

So... How's domestic life?

Don't you just love being a mom?

And there it was. The question that Lynette always dreaded.

Well, to be honest...

For those who asked it, only one answer was acceptable,

So Lynette responded as she always did. She lied.

It's the best job I've ever had.

You know what I don't get? - What?

Why you married Mr. Solis.

Well... He promised to give me

everything I've ever wanted.

And did he? - Yes.

Then why aren't you happy?

Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.

So do you love him?

I do.

Well, then, why are we here? Why are we doing this?

Because I don't want to wake up one morning

with a sudden urge to blow my brains out.

Hey, can I have a drag? - Absolutely not.

You are much too young to smoke.

How would you feel about me using your

child-support payments for plastic surgery?

Stop being so nervous. You're just

asking him to dinner. No big deal.

You're right.

So is that your project for school?

You know, when I was in fifth grade,

I made the White House out of sugar cubes.

Stop stalling and go.

Before Mike figures out he can do better.

Tell me again why I fought for custody of you.

You were using me to hurt dad. - Oh, that's right.

Oh, god.

Hi. - Hey, Susan.

Are you busy?

No, not at all. What's up?

Well, I... I just, uh, was wondering if...

...if there was any chance that you, uh...

...I just wanted to ask if...

Edie. - Hey, there, Susan.

What are you...? - I was making ambrosia.

And I made too much so I thought

I'd bring some over to Mike.

What's going on?

Susan was just going to ask me something.

I have a clog. - Excuse me?

And you're a plumber, right? - Yeah.

The clog's in the pipe. - Yeah,

That's usually where they are.

Well, I've got one.

Ok. Let me get my tools.

Now? You want to come over now? You have company.

I don't mind.

Just give me two minutes. I'll be right over.

That's it.

Just stuff the hair down there. - I stuffed it.

It's not enough to clog it. - Here. Okay, look.

Put in this peanut butter

and this cooking oil.

Mom - And these olives.

Mom, I'm telling you, it's not working.

Oh, god. That's him.

How am I going to stop up the sink?

Well, here's your problem.

Looks like somebody stuffed

a bunch of popsicle sticks down here.

I've told Julie a million times

not to play in the kitchen. Kids, you know.

All right, I'll go put in your orders,

And I'll be right back with your drinks

and your plates for the salad bar.

Thank you.

Andrew, Danielle, napkins?

They have video games.

Could we go play until our food gets here?

Andrew, this is family time. I think that we should all

Go ahead and play.

I know that you think I'm angry about coming here,

but I'm not.

You and the kids wanted a change of pace,

something fun I get it.

Probably we'll want

something healthier tomorrow night, though.

I'm thinking about chicken Saltimbocca.

I want a divorcee.

I just can't live in this...

...this detergent commercial anymore

The salad bar's right over there. Help yourself.

Thank you.

Um, I think I'll go get your salad for you.

Bree Van De Kamp. - Oh. Hello, Mrs. Huber.

We didn't get a chance to talk at

Mary Alice's wake. How are you doing?

Bree longed to share the truth about

her husband's painful betrayal,

but sadly for Bree,

admitting defeat was not an option.

Great. Everything is just great.

Okay, well, I got you the honey mustard dressing.

The ranch looked just a little bit suspect.

Are we going to talk about what I said?

If you think I'm going to discuss the dissolution

of my marriage in a place

where the restrooms are labeled "chicks" and "dudes,"

you're out of your mind.

What's in this?

What do you mean, what's in this? It's salad.

With... with onions. - What?

You put onions in my salad. - No, I didn't.

Oh, wait.

The sound that awakened my son was

something he'd heard only once before.

Many years ago when he was quite young.

But he recognized it instantly.

It was the sound of a family secret.

Seven days after my funeral, life on Wisteria Lane

finally returned to normal.

Which, for some of my friends, was unfortunate.

Mommy, mommy! - Now what?

Daddy's home!

Come on! Hey, is anybody home?

I wasn't expecting you for a week.

I have to go back to 'Frisco in the morning.

But I got your call. You sounded frazzled.

Yeah.

It's been a little rough. - Hi. Yeah. Peaches.

Did you buy us any presents?

Oh, god, presents. Wait up. Let me see.

Ohhh! - Yeah!

But I'm not giving it to you unless

you promise to go outside right now

and practise throwing for 20 minutes. You promise?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! - Punks. Get out!

Who's open? Go out. Deeper. Deeper. Touchdown!

Oh, my god.

Oh, no.

You got to be kidding. I'm exhausted.

I look terrible. I'm covered in peaches.

I'm sorry, baby. I got to have you.

Well, is it ok if I just lie here?

Absolutely.

I love you. - I love you more.

Wait. I gotta tell you I was having trouble with swelling.

The doctor took me off the pill.

You just gotta put on a condom.

A condom? - Yeah.

What's the big deal? Let's risk it.

Let's risk it? - Yeah.

I can't believe you tried to kill me.

Yes, well, I feel badly about that.

I told you Mrs. Huber came over

and I got distracted. It was a mistake.

Since when do you make mistakes?

What does that mean?

It means I'm sick of you being

so damn perfect all the time.

I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move.

I'm sick of you making our bed in the

morning before I've used the bathroom.

You're this plastic suburban housewife,

with her pearls and spatula,

who says things like "we owe the Hendersons a dinner."

Where's the woman I fell in love with...

...Who used to burn the toast and

drink milk out of the carton?

and laugh.

I need her.

Not this cold, perfect thing you've become.

These need water.

Bree sobbed quietly in the restroom for five minutes,

but her husband never knew.

Because when Bree finally emerged...

...she was perfect.

I found my earrings. We can go now.

Was John here today?

Well, yeah.

The lawn hasn't been mowed. I've had it.

We're getting a real gardener.

Why? - Are you deaf?

I just said he's not doing his job.

It's dark. You just can't see the lawn has been mowed.

It hasn't been. Feel this grass.

I'm not feeling the grass.

Let's just get going. Come on, we're late.

Take care of it. - Yes, sir.

There's Tanaka. Time for me to go and do my dance.

Good luck, sweetheart.

Excuse me. - Ma'am.

You see that man just walked away?

Can you make sure he has a drink in his hand all night long?

Yes, ma'am.

Susan? Susan! - Mrs. Huber, how are you doing?

Not too well, I'm afraid.

I'm trying to find something to soothe my stomach.

It's upset? - Yeah.

I had the worst macaroni and cheese at the wake.

It's been running through me ever since.

And I need to be at my best.

Edie Britt's son is spending the night tonight.

He's spending the night?

Apparently Edie is having a gentleman friend over for dinner,

and I think she plans on entertaining into the wee hours,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, here's some antacid. Have you ever tried this?

I can't believe it. This can't be happening.

Mike can't like Edie better than me. He just can't.

You don't know what's going on.

Maybe they're just having dinner.

You're right. They're doing it.

Edie?

Edie?

Hello? Anybody home?

I need to borrow sugar.

Oh, my god! Oh, yes! Give it to me!

And just like that, the possibility Susan had clung to,

the maybe of Mike Delfino, was gone forever.

And despite the precariousness of her situation,

Susan took a moment to mourn her loss.

It didn't take Susan long to realize,

this was just not her night.

Is somebody out there?

Oh, my god! That's smoke!

Oh, my god.

She left candles unattended in the den.

Paramedic said she was lucky.

She could've been killed.

She ran out with nothing on.

She was having sex with some guy when the fire started.

What happened to him?

He got smoke inhalation. He's at the hospital.

Susan, are you all right? You look awful.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I just, uh, feel really bad for Edie.

Oh, honey, don't worry about Edie. She's a strong lady.

Absolutely. She'll get through this.

She'll find a way to survive.

We all do.

Come on.

Wow! What happened? - Mike!

And suddenly there he was.

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

I... I thought you were... Uh... Where were you?

I just got back from the movies. Edie had a fire, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, but she's fine now.

Everything's fine now.

And just like that, Susan was happy.

Life was suddenly full of... possibilities.

Not to mention a few unexpected surprises.

Hello. - It's me.

Have anything yet? - No, nothing yet.

But don't worry. I'm definitely getting closer.

I brought some champagne.

I thought we should have a toast.

The next day my friends came together

to pack away my clothes,

my personal belongings and what was left of my life.

All right, ladies, lift 'em up.

To Mary Alice, a good friend and neighbor.

Wherever you are, we hope you've found peace.

To Mary Alice. - To Mary Alice.

Let's get this show on the road.

You guys, check out Mary Alice's clothes.

Size eight? Ha! She always told me she was a size six.

We found the skeleton in her closet.

Not quite, Gabrielle, not quite.

What's that? - A letter addressed to Mary Alice.

How ironic.

To have something I tried so desperately to keep secret,

treated so casually.

What are you doing? That's private.

It's open. What's the big deal?

What does this mean?

I don't know. But check out the postmark.

Oh, my god. She got it the day she died.

Do you think this is why she...?

I'm so sorry, girls.

I never wanted you to be burdened with this.

Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

DH SE01 E02

If Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis,

we'd have known.

She lives 50 feet away, for god's sakes.

Gabby, the woman killed herlf.

Something must have been going on.

Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.

I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year.

If he wants to grab your ass, you let him.

Why aren't you happy?

Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.

What's that?

It's a letter addressed to Mary Alice.

Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

An odd thing happens when we die.

Our senses vanish.

Taste, touch, smell, and sound

become a distant memory,

but our sight -- ah, our sight expands,

and we can suddenly see the world we've left behind so clearly.

Of course, most of what's visible to the dead

could also be seen by the living,

if they'd only take the time to look.

Like my friend Gabrielle.

I should have seen how unhappy she was,

but I didn't.

I only saw her clothes from Paris...

and her platinum jewelry...

and her brand-new diamond watch.

Had I looked closer,

I'd have seen that Gabrielle was a drowning woman

desperately in search of a life raft.

Luckily for her, she found one.

Of course, Gabrielle only saw her young gardener

as a way to infuse her life with a little excitement.

But now she was about to discover

just how exciting her life could get.

Damn it.

Come on, come on, come on! Hurry up! Let's go!

Where are the rest of my clothes?

I'll find them. Just get out.

Where?

Out the window. - What?

Go, go, go, go, go!

Hi, honey. You're home early.

My meeting got canceled.

Didn't you take a shower this morning?

I, uh, I just finished a workout.

Where's John?

John?

Yeah. That's his truck out front.

Gabrielle was panicked.

She knew if her husband discovered her secret,

she would feel the full force of his wrath.

Hey, Mr. Solis.

Hey, John, take care of that ficus yet?

I'll get to it as soon as I'm done here. - All right.

But she was quickly reminded that...

What Carlos couldn't see...

Yeah, sure. No problem.

couldn't hurt her.

The peaceful facade of Wisteria Lane had recently been shattered,

first by my suicide...

and then by the discovery of a note among my belongings

that suggested a suspicious reason for my desperate act.

My friends gathered to discuss its implications.

I think we should give it to Paul.

He's still mourning, Susan.

He'll probably freak out.

It doesn't matter. She was his wife.

He deserves to have all the facts.

Well, we could do it gently.

We could tell him about it over coffee and pastry.

That would be fun.

"Paul, we have proof your wife killed herself

over some deep, dark secret.

Another bear claw?"

We could always call the police.

Maybe it's just some sort of sick joke.

Well, if it was a joke, it was in very poor taste.

No, this was serious. I know it was.

We got to find out what was going on.

Let's say we do.

There's a chance we're not going to like what we find.

Well, isn't it worse to be in the dark?

I mean, imagining she did all these horrible things.

It's the age-old question, isn't it?

How much do we really want to know about our neighbors?

My friends were right to be concerned.

They knew that every family has its secrets,

and as my son and husband could have told them,

you need to think carefully before digging them up.

After talking for hours,

my friends still hadn't agreed on

what to do with the note.

So they decided to talk about it in the morning

after a good night's rest.

But no one could fall sleep that night.

They each kept thinking of my suicide

and how terribly alone I must have felt.

You see, loneliness was something

my friends understood all too well.

It's okay. I'm up.

Good.

I have a question for you.

OK.

Do you remember when you proposed?

For god's sake --

We sat on Skyline Drive and drank a bottle of apple wine,

and when we finished it, you turned to me, and you said,

"if you marry me, Bree Mason,

I promise to love you for the rest of my life."

And even though I was engaged to Ty Grant,

and even though my father didn't like you,

I said yes.

That was a long time ago.

You're going to cancel the meeting with that divorce lawyer,

and we're going to find ourselves a marriage counselor.

Bree... - You promised.

All right.

Good. I'm going to go, uh, make myself some warm milk.

Would you like something to drink?

Anything but apple wine.

Susan awoke that night alone and parched,

but as she gazed out her window,

she saw the tall drink of water she needed to quench her thirst.

"Dear diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive."

Shut up.

If you want to date him, you're going to have to ask him out.

I keep hoping he'll ask me out.

How's that going?

Shouldn't you be making brownies

for your nerdy friends?

I can't find the measuring cup. Have you seen it?

The measuring cup?

Yeah.

I -- well, it's -- it's got to be here somewhere.

Just keep looking.

I know you're awake.

I know you're a jerk.

Dinner with Tanaka ran long. I'm sorry.

You know, Carlos, I didn't marry you

so I could have dinner by myself six times a week.

You know how bored I was today?

I came this close to actually cleaning the house.

Don't be that way. I got you a gift.

Nope. No, no, no, no.

You're not going to buy your way out of this one.

It's a good gift.

Is that white gold?

Yeah. Put it on...

and then make love to me.

I'm not in the mood.

But we could stay up and talk.

When a man buys a woman expensive jewelry,

there are many things he may want in return, for future reference,

conversation ain't one of them.

Hey, that was a joke. - Yeah, right.

What the hell is wrong with you? - Let go of me.

Hey, you've been acting like a nightmare for a month. What's wrong?

I can't fix it unless you tell me.

It's not exciting anymore, Carlos.

So what am I supposed to do?

I don't know.

Be the way you used to be.

Surprise me. Take my breath away.

Okay.

Okay.

Hey, Susan. - Mike.

What's wrong?

I didn't realize anybody was going to be out here.

I just sort of rolled out of bed.

I'm sure you look fine.

Oh, Bongo, stop.

Sorry, uh... he scares easy.

No, it-- it's fine. I-I get it.

I didn't mean to disturb you.

I'll see you later.

Do you want to have dinner with me?

Just the two of us?

Well... and Julie.

It's a thing we do when somebody new moves into the neighborhood,

we invite them over for a home-cooked meal.

Sort of a tradition.

I thought you were a lousy cook.

Well, I order take-out.

You invite 'em for home-cooking and give 'em take-out?

Yeah, ah, it's sort of a new tradition.

I'm working out the kinks.

I'll tell you what. How about I cook?

You guys come over to my place.

Oh, great.

Friday night at six? - I'll be there.

Right. Come on.

Bye, Bongo.

Julie! Mike Delfino just invited us

to dinner Friday night.

He did? Cool.

But only I'm going because you're

gonna come down with something serious

that requires bed rest and fluids.

Julie was glad Susan was rekindling her love life.

Of course, she was unaware of her

mother's recent track record with fire.

It's all gone. Everything my ex-husband

worked for all those years, gone.

Don't worry about clothing.

I already started a collection from the neighborhood.

What? I don't want to wear other people's old crap.

Edie, you can be homeless or ungracious.

You really can't afford to be both.

That reminds me. My insurance check still hasn't come yet.

Could I stay with you a few more weeks?

Of course. What kind of christian would I be

if I denied shelter to a friend in need?

Oh, look. Here's something we can salvage.

Your measuring cup.

We can scrape of the burnt part and

it'll look good as new.

That's not my cup. Mine was plastic.

Well, how did it get in here?

I don't know. Who cares?

Now, would you put that down and start looking for jewelry?

Dr. Albert Goldfine was the most accomplished

marriage counselor in the city.

He had dealt with problems ranging from substance abuse...

...to infidelity...

...to domestic violence.

Yes, Dr. Goldfine thought he had seen it all.

And then he met the Van de Kamps.

Hi. I'm Bree. And this is my husband Rex.

And I brought you some homemade potpourri.

The answer is yes.

You're about to make a fortune off us.

Ah, get off! - Boys!

Guys, I'm begging you.

Sit in your seats.

I'm not gonna tell you again. Buckle up.

I mean it, so help me...

Oh, shoot. Crap!

I was playing with it first!

License and registration, please.

Ma'am, you know why I pulled you over?

I have a theory.

The kids should be sitting wearing seat belts.

I yelled at them. They never listen. It's very frustrating.

You have to find a way to control them.

After all, that's your job.

Though he'd been a policeman for six years,

officer Hayes had never found himself

in a truly dangerous situation.

Then again, he had never before told

a woman how to raise her children.

Are you saying I'm a bad mother?

Get back in your car, please.

I have no help. My husband's always away on business.

I'm gonna have to ask you to step back now.

My babysitter joined the witness relocation program.

I haven't slept through the night...

...in six years - Ma'am.

And for you to stand there and judge me...

Ok. I'm not gonna give you a ticket.

I'm just gonna let you off with a warning.

I accept your apology.

Mom! He's kicking me again!

Buckle up.

Mrs. Solis. - Hello, Jonathan.

Well, this is my room. Sorry about the mess.

Oh, uh, don't worry about it.

You just missed my mom.

On friday,she coaches my sister's soccer team.

Yes, I heard that.

John, we need to talk about what happened the other day.

Mr. Solis isn't catching on, is he?

No, no, he doesn't have a clue, god love him.

It's just I was thinking that when you come over to garden,

you might actually have to garden.

Great, you're breaking up with me.

In my own bedroom.

No, no. I'm not dumping you.

Lately, you've been the only thing keeping me going.

But we can't do it at my house anymore.

Oh, so then, where do you want to do it?

Well, what time does your mom get back from soccer practise?

Mrs. Solis!

Better hurry. We don't have much time.

And so there's just the four of us.

My older son, Andrew, is 16, Danielle is 15 and...

I don't need to see pictures. Bree,

you've spent most of the hour

engaging in small talk.

Oh, have I ? - Yes.

Rex has been very vocal about his issues.

Don't you want to discuss your feelings about your marriage?

Um, doc...

This is the thing you got to know about Bree.

She doesn't like to talk about her feelings.

To be honest, it's hard to know if she has any.

Does she feel anger, rage, ecstasy?

Who knows?

She's always pleasant, and I can't

tell you how annoying that is.

Whatever she feels, it's so far below the surface,

no one can see it.

I feel like she's using all these...

Bree?

Bree? - What? I'm sorry.

Would you like to respond to what Rex just said?

Oh, um... - Is there some truth there?

Do you use housework as a way to disengage emotionally?

Of course not!

This is great. I got tons of homework tonight.

It's easy to concentrate after sex.

I'm glad I could help.

Education's very important.

Oh, I got something for you.

I was gonna give it to you next time I

mowed your lawn, but since you're here.

Oh, it's a rose. - It's not just any rose.

Look at all the petals. There's no flaws.

It's perfect. - Oh, John.

Just like you.

The truth hit her like a thunderbolt.

I spent days looking for just the right one.

I finally found it.

For John,

this was no longer a meaningless little affair.

Gabrielle could now clearly see

he was falling in love with her.

It's just beautiful.

I... I got to go.

Goodbye.

Hey, you. What are we having?

I talked to Julie and she suggested rib-eye steaks.

She said that's your favorite. - I love my steak.

Hi, Mike.

Susan.

Edie.

I'm sorry about your house. How you holding up?

All right, I guess. Oh, is somebody having a party?

No, Susan's just throwing me

a traditional welcome dinner.

Only I'm cooking. And having it at my house.

Traditional? Hm! I didn't get one.

Oh, it's a new tradition.

It won't be anything fancy. Just a little home cooking.

Mm. That sounds so good.

Susan suddenly had an awful

feeling in the pit of her stomach.

I've been having nothing but fast food lately.

As if she was watching an accident in slow motion.

She knew it would happen, but was powerless to stop it.

Edie, would you like to join us for dinner?

Oh, that's so sweet. No, I don't

want to intrude. Three's a crowd.

No, it's not like that. I mean, Susan's bringing Julie.

It's not like that. The more the merrier.

Well, this'll be fun. - All right. Tomorrow night.

We'll eat at six. - Great.

Oh, and Susan... - Yeah?

This'll make up for the dinner that you never threw me.

Right.

Ta-ta.

Should I have told her we were having steak.

She's not a vegetarian or something?

Oh, no.

No, Edie's definitely a carnivore.

Here's, um...

Here's what I pulled for Edie.

Most of the clothes aren't that stylish.

Don't worry about it. Edie's a beggar now,

which means she can't be a chooser.

Of course, we don't have to add salt to the wound.

Listen, I was just getting dinner ready...

Say no more. I'll get out of your hair.

No, no.

By the way, was that you I saw getting pulled

over by a policeman?

Yeah, the boys were acting up in the car,

I couldn't get them to sit down.

Young boys can be so willful.

I try everything.

I scream. I threaten. I reason.

I beg. Nothing works.

I don't know if it's because

they're too young and they don't understand,

or if they're just getting some perverse joy out of testing me.

My mother used to have the worst time with me in the car,

so one time when I was acting up,

she stopped and left me on the side of the road,

and she drove off.

You're kidding?

Oh, she came back immediately,

but I never misbehaved in the car again.

You should try that.

Mrs. Huber, I could never leave

my kids by the side of the road.

When it comes to discipline,

sometimes you must be creative.

My mother knew that. Smart lady.

Of course, she's in a home now.

And her mind has just turned to mush.

Well, like I said, I should go back and get dinner ready.

Oh, right, well... Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Susan, have you been able to find old clothes for Edie?

She has nothing to wear.

I thought that was the look she was going for.

Oh, Susan, Edie may be trash,

but she's still a human being.

Zach, is your dad home? I need to talk to him.

Hey, Paul, I hope I'm not interrupting.

Actually, I was getting ready to go somewhere.

I just wanted to come by and say hello,

you know, see how you guys are doing.

We're trying to move on. It's been pretty tough.

I can only imagine.

Not knowing why Mary Alice...

Why what? - Why she did it.

Oh. Here, let me help you. - I've got it. I've got it.

I'm sorry if I upset you.

Can I be frank?

Of course.

I don't care what her reasons were.

Maybe she was depressed, maybe she was bored.

It doesn't matter.

She abandoned her husband and her son

and I'll never forgive her.

As I watched Susan, I couldn't help feeling sorry for her.

She wanted so much to know why I did it.

Why I killed myself.

It's not enough to want the truth.

You must know where to look for it.

And the truth is elusive

because it knows where to hide.

Hello, Julie, I talked to your mom

about donating some clothes for Edie.

She's at Mrs. Van De Kamp's,

but I'll see if she left some stuff upstairs.

Oh, Julie, I-I was, um, just admiring your new measuring cup.

Yeah, we've lost ours. - Really?

So I couldn't find the clothes. Sorry.

That's ok.

If you want me to keep looking.

No. You've done more than enough.

Truly.

Bree. Rex just called. He won't be able to meet you here today.

Apparently, there was an emergency at the hospital.

Oh, well, I wish he'd called me.

He suggested perhaps you'd like to meet with me by yourself.

You've been very quiet in our joint sessions.

What?

Oh, oh, oh, no, thank you.

I have some things I need to do today.

Are you sure? - Uh, yeah, I'm sure.

Ok.

Dr. Goldfine, there is something you can do for me.

What's that? - Take off your coat.

So you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike?

Well, if Edie's gonna be there,

I'll need emotional support.

I can't believe she wormed her way in.

How did you let her do that?

I don't know. I was going to take her out at the knees,

but it all happened so fast.

Well, you know what you need to do.

You need to get there early,

spend a little time with Mike before the little barracuda gets there.

That's a good idea. Edie will get there at 5:45,

which means her breasts will arrive at 5:30,

so I should shoot for 5:00.

That a girl.

I'm just going to take these upstairs.

I'm going to keep my one little bag and go home.

That is a beautiful rose. Where did you get it?

Oh, John gave it to me.

John... your gardener, he gave you a rose?

Yes... I am having some new bushes planted outside,

and he gave me that as a color palette.

Ok.

Sure is beautiful, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

I'm sure Freud would not approve of this.

Oh, who cares what he thinks?

I took psychology in college.

We learned all about Freud.

A miserable human being.

What makes you say that?

Think about it.

He grew up in the late 1800s.

There were no appliances back then.

His mother had to do everything by hand,

just backbreaking work from sun up to sundown.

Not to mention the countless

other sacrifices she had to make

to take care of her family, and what does he do?

He becomes famous peddling a theory

that the problems of most adults

can be traced back to

something awful their mother has done.

She must've felt so betrayed.

He saw how hard she worked.

He saw what she did for him.

Did he even ever think to say thank you?

I doubt it.

There you go.

Just so you know, many of Freud's

theories have been discredited.

Good.

Boys, I am not gonna tell you again. Sit.

I mean it. I am serious.

You guys are gonna be in so much trouble

if you don't sit back in those seats.

For the first time,

Lynette could see this was not the innocent play of children.

She was being challenged.

So she decided it was time to get creative.

Out! Can't behave,

you heard me, you cannot ride.

You, out, move it.

Where is she going?

Ok. Mommy's a genius.

Five, six, all right.

Uh, mommy'll be right back.

Boys? Boys?

Boys?!

Porter! Preston! Parker!

If you're hiding, you've got to stop now,

cause mommy doesn't think it's funny!

Oh! excuse me.

I'm sorry. I'm looking for my boys.

Three boys with red hair. Have you seen them?

Yeah. I also saw you drive away and leave them.

I know. I was just trying to scare them into behaving.

Did you see where they went?

Yeah, they're in my kitchen.

Listen, it seems to me that you

have some anger management issues.

I have four kids under six.

I absolutely have anger management issues.

I think you need to talk to somebody

because abandoning your children...

I didn't abandon them. I came back.

I'm just saying it's not normal.

My kids aren't normal

and now I don't have time for this, lady, so --

Boys, get out here.

I don't think they should go anywhere

until you calm down.

Get in the car. - She's got cookies.

Bring them, we're leaving. - Stay put.

I don't think so. Oh! - Listen, lady...

Leave my mommy alone. - Let go of me.

What's the matter with you? - Son of bi... Ah!

Run, boys, run! - Come on!

Oh, crap. - Get back here.

Boys, you're gonna need to put on your...

Get back or I'm gonna call social services.

Oh, my god! Carlos, what have you done?

I saw it when I drove by the dealership.

I thought Gabrielle will look beautiful in this.

Carlos!

It cost me an arm and a leg.

It's got GPS navigation, 200 watt stereo system...

It is beautiful.

So did I take your breath away?

Absolutely.

Is it the best gift you've ever gotten?

Gabrielle could see what this gesture had cost Carlos,

so she responded the only way she knew how.

She had a feeling the truth would've

been lost on her husband anyway.

After all, it's the rare man who understands the value

of a single perfect rose.

Susan. - I hope you don't mind.

I came by early to help you set up.

Oh, um... - Hey, Susan.

Don't worry, we have everything under control.

Bongo! I don't know why he barks at you.

I wouldn't take it personally.

Dogs are very sensitive.

What's up, Bongo?

You never know what freaks them out, huh?

In the distance, Susan thought she heard a bell ring.

Is it a strange noise?

What is it? A weird smell?

Round one...had started.

All I'm saying is

this whole it takes two to mess

up a marriage theory is bull.

The problems that we have are because of her.

That is not true, Rex.

What have I been doing for the past

20 years that's been so awful?

You're not saying anything because

I've been a great husband.

And it kills you to admit that.

Rex, I'm curious.

Do you ever acknowledge the benefits of living with Bree?

Huh? - By your own admission,

your home's always clean,

your clothes always freshly pressed,

sounds like a wonderful cook,

despite her flaws,

do you ever remember to say thank you?

Thank you? - Yes.

Bongo! Get down! Down!

Go away. - Down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

So who's the guy that lives across from Mrs. Huber again?

That's Mr. Mullen. If he invites you in,

you have to meet all of his pets.

That's ok. I love animals.

He's a taxidermist.

Oh, ok, thanks for the warning.

Isn't Mr. Mullen's brother your divorce attorney?

Uh, yes, yes, he was.

Can I say something?

In my heart, I still believe that you

and Karl are gonna get back together.

Really? - Oh, yeah.

I've never seen two people more in love.

She's never gonna find that kind of

chemistry with another man. Never.

It was everything Susan could do to keep a smile on her face.

Round two was underway,

and she was already taking a beating.

You know, Mrs. Britt...

What Edie hadn't counted on...

I always liked...

Susan had someone in her corner.

Mr. Rothwell, your fourth husband.

He was my second husband. I've only been married twice.

Twice? You weren't married to the tattooed

guy they took away in handcuffs?

No, Julie, she wasn't married to Javier.

That was just one of her special friends.

I think we should change the subject.

Unless you want to keep talking about it.

Bongo, get down. - Wait.

Let me show you something. - He loves that gravy.

Come. While you were in there tossing a salad,

I taught him something.

Up. Oh...

Susan was furious with Edie

for using a dog to ingratiate herself with its owner.

She was also furious with Mike for not

seing through this blatant maneuver.

But mostly...

...I'm gonna get the desserts.

...She was furious with herself for not having thought of it first.

I can barely get him to sit.

Best dog ever. Yes, you are.

I've never seen him walk on two legs.

He knows who to come to.

Here's your dessert.

Thank you. Mike, this looks yummy.

Oh, look at that. Looks like bongo's

finally warming up to Susan.

Ooh, we just got off on the wrong foot.

We're best buddies now.

Oh, what a good boy!

Bango, are you ok? - What's wrong with him?

I don't know.

I've never heard him make that sound.

You ok, fella? - Mom?

You all right?

Where is your earring?

You ok?

Call the vet, the number's on the fridge.

Tell him I'll be right there.

Don't worry.

I'll stay here and get everything cleaned up.

Thanks, Edie.

Is there anything I can do?

No.

How's Bongo doing?

I'm waiting to see if they'll have to operate.

Oh, god!

I stopped and I got this for...

I am just so sorry for this.

I'm really sorry I snapped at you. I just...

Oh, no, it's ok. - Good news.

We won't have to do surgery. - Oh, that's great.

We've given him something to help pass the earring.

When he does, would you like us to retrieve it for you?

I'm gonna say no.

Ok. You should be able to take him home in about an hour.

Wow. You must be so relieved.

I'm sorry, I was just really worried.

It was your dog. I get it.

Actually, he was my wife's dog,

one of the last thing's she said to

me in the hospital before she died

was to be sure I looked after

him and I promised her I would.

And just like that,

Susan could suddenly see something she'd never seen before.

He, uh, meant so much to her.

Mike Delfino was still in love with his late wife.

And if something had happened,

I would've felt like I'd failed her.

I know that sounds stupid, but...

And she knew right then,

neither she nor Edie would be laying

claim to his heart any time soon.

No, it doesn't. Not at all.

So she decided, for now, she could

settle for just being his friend.

This is for you.

Well, for Bongo. You give it to him.

Yes, as I look back at the world I left behind,

it's all so clear to me.

The beauty that waits to be unveiled.

The mysteries that long to be uncovered

But people so rarely stop to take a look.

They just keep moving.

It's a shame, really.

There's so much to see

DH SE01 E03

She was his wife.

He deserves to have all the facts.

She abandoned her husband and her son and I'll never forgive her.

It's the age-old question,

how much do we want to know about our neighbors?

You gonna cancel the meeting with the divorce lawyer.

We'll find a marriage councilor.

I'm Mike Deifino.

Susan Mayer. I live across the street.

If you wanna dating him,

you're gonna have to ask him out.

I keep hoping he'll ask me out.

I really hate the way you talk to me.

I really hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace,

but I'm learning to deal with it.

Do you love him? - I do.

So then why are we here? Why are we doing this?

Because I don't want to wake up one morning,

With a sudden urge to blow my brains out.

After I died,

I began to surrender the parts of

myself that were no longer necessary.

My desires, beliefs, ambitions, doubts --

every trace of my humanity was discarded.

I discovered when moving through eternity,

it helps to travel lightly.

In fact, I held on to only one thing

my memory.

It's astonishing to look back on the world I left behind

I remember it all -- every single detail.

Like my friend Bree Van de Kamp.

I remember the easy confidence of her smile,

the gentle elegance of her hands,

the refined warmth of her voice.

But what I remember most about Bree

Rex, wasn't that lovely --

Was the look of fear in her eyes.

Bree had started to realize her world was unraveling,

and for a woman who despised loose ends,

that was unacceptable.

Rex. Rex. You need to get up.

It's not even light out.

Please hurry.

If the kids see you sleeping down here,

they're going to start asking questions.

Let 'em ask. I don't care anymore.

Well, I care.

They don't need to be burden with our marital problems

While we're working things out, the least

we can do is try to keep up appearances.

Oh, yeah. Appearances.

I keep forgetting about appearances.

Oh, Rex, you look so tired.

I didn't sleep.

This damn thing is so uncomfortable.

Well, why don't you move back upstairs and sleep in our bed?

We're in marriage counseling, Bree.

I think that would confuse things.

It's just--

I miss you.

I know you do.

Of course, if I don't find out start

getting some sleep, pretty soon

I'll be forced to move back upstairs out of sure exhaustion.

Yes, Bree was afraid of many things,

but if there was one thing she wasn't afraid of...

it was a challenge.

The day on Wisteria Lane began like any other.

With a cup of coffee and the moring paper.

Just give me a second....

And while Lynette read the business section.

And Gabrielle studied the fall collections

And Bree searched for decorating ideas

Susan scanned the front page and saw something

that caught her eye

What's about time.

Be nice. I come bearing snacks.

Lynette, these cards are sticky

I know. Preston used the three of diamonds

to took scoop jam out of the jar.

Gorgeous, thankful we have 49 cards to play with.

Hello. Sorry I'm late.

So, Susan and I was just telling the girls,

I want to throw a dinner party

Really? - Yes.

Well how long have we all lived on this street

we've never done a big group thing

I think it's a great idea

Paul never likes to have people over

but the heck with him I'm doing it.

So when is this shindig?

How about a month from tonight?

That would be the 16th. Good for everyone?

Works for me. Should we all make something?

Oh, no. This is my party.

I've been wanting to have everyone over for years.

I'm so happy we're finally doing this.

It's gonna be so much fun.

I know. Her dinner.

How could we have all forgotten about this?

We didn't exactly forget, it's just usually

when the hostess dies the party's off.

Lynette

I'm not being flip. I'm just pointing out a reality.

Mary Alice was so excited about it.

It's so sad.

I think we should go through with it.

Really? Wouldn't that be in poor taste?

No. It's sort of a way to honor Mary Alice.

It was so important to her

We could all use a fun night.

Well, good, because I have some new flour

that I have been just dying to show off.

Lynette?

I'm in. - I'll make braised lamb shanks.

I'm still in.

So how many I will be cooking for?

Seven. Three couples and Susan. Does that sound right?

No, it sounds very, very wrong.

Is there somebody you'd like to invite?

I have an idea.

A dinner party.

Honey, I may be working late.

The Dillman proposal's a complete mess.

No, no, you promised to be home every night this week.

I'll try but I can't guarantee anything.

This is business.

Says the prince as he rides off into the sunset.

Boy the movies ever get that wrong.

You know what your problem is?

You're very tense.

You should go to a spa or go shopping.

Find a way to relax.

Hello?

Where are you?

Algebra.

You free at 4:00?

I'm not sure. I got track after school.

Well, get here as fast as you can.

My husband says I need to relax.

You, uh, want me to keep my gym clothes on like last time?

If you would, please.

A dinner party?

Yeah, it'll be fun.

Bree's cooking, everyone's coming.

You know what? I haven't even had

a chance to unpack yet, honey.

I just, uh, I just need to chill out for the next few days.

Oh, Tom.

There'll be liquor and hors d'oeuvres and

grownups without children and -- and silverware.

Remember silverware?

Honey, can you take this in for me?

Have you heard anything I just said?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just -- I'm wiped out.

Three cities in six days -- my head is just pounding.

I'm not ready for a dinner party.

I already got a sitter.

Can you cancel her?

Please? Look, let's just stay in tomorrow night.

We can get a bottle of wine and rent a video,

and-I just want to hang out with my best gal.

That's all.

I was looking so forward to a night out.

I know, sweetie, I'm sorry, but...

I'm beat.

I mean, do you remember what it

was like to work a 60-hour week?

A dinner party?

Do I have to go?

Well, given that we're hosting it, I'd say so.

By the way, you won't be drinking at this party.

Why is that?

Because when you drink, you get chatty.

No one needs to know that we're seeing Dr. Goldfine.

You know, if you spent half as much time working

on our problems as you do covering them --

Not a drop.

You know, this -- this is ridiculous.

And this whole thing about us taking tennis lessons?

Well, the nurses at your office may start wondering

why you're disappearing three times a week.

Tennis lessons are a plausible alibi.

All right so, these tennis lessons we're taking --

how are we doing?

My backhand's improving immensely,

but you're still having problems with your serve.

Of course.

A dinner party?

It's tomorrow night, so if you could

just keep Julie an extra day.

Fine, but that's all. Brandi and I leave

sunday for a week up at the cabin.

What cabin?

Brandi wanted some place where we could get away.

Escrow just closed yesterday.

You can afford a cabin,

but you can't scrape up child support?

The check is in the mail.

Oh. No, it's not.

I found my dental guard. I'm ready.

Stop fighting.

We are being as nice as we possibly can to one another.

Like I said, stop fighting.

Excuse me, Brandi.

Do you mind?

Oh, okay.

Wait. Susan, you're right there. You can pick it up.

I could, but she's the one who threw it.

Come on. Don't be petulant.

Just pick up the stupid can.

No.

I can pick it up.

Honey, stay out of this.

Fine.

This is so typical.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was that petulant, too?

You know what? You can pick up the damn can yourself.

Yeah, well, you just go to hell.

You want me to pick it up?

Mrs. Warmington said she looked for

mom's obituary and couldn't find it.

Did you put one in?

I've had other things on my mind, Zack.

But how could you not do that?

People are going to think we didn't care about her.

I doubt people will give it much thought.

Don't worry about it.

You never talk about her.

She hasn't even been dead a month,

and it's like you've totally forgotten she ever existed.

It's a little early for this kind of talk.

Maybe when you die,

I won't put in an obituary.

That will be your choice to make.

Assuming you outlive me.

Mom, it's no big deal.

Carlos and I are driving in for the baptism.

Problem solved.

Okay, fine.

You go with aunt Maria,

and I will take Nana to church.

Take your clothes off.

Okay. I got to go, mom.

Yes, right now.

Okay, you can give me directions later. Bye.

Hi. How was school?

Got an a-minus on my biology exam.

You did?

Well, let's see what you've learned.

Who's that?

I don't know.

Hey, you!

So did Mike say anything?

No, but, god, you should have seen the look on his face.

I'm sure it's not that bad.

I mean, he's coming to the party, right?

I left three messages.

Oh, he's not going to come. Big surprise.

I did everything but foam at the mouth.

God, I hate when I get that way.

It's like every time I get within 10 feet

of Carl, I just become this monster.

You know what? It's not going to change until

you resolve your issues with that man.

What, you mean forgive him?

You know, I've lived with this bitterness

so long, I think I'd be lonely without it.

Honey, get a pet.

See ya.

Son of a - It's a business meeting.

It's a frat party.

Regional manager, corporate manager, head of sales.

Margarita, cigar, sombrero.

Honey, what do you want me to do, sit around

the hotel the whole time watching cable?

No. But when I say,

"we've been invited to a party,"

Don't whine about your exhausting 60-hour week.

Put on your dancin' shoes and take the

mother of your children out for a good time.

Fine. You know what? You're right.

Let's go to that party.

I can't. I already canceled the sitter.

Okay, well, we'll throw the next one.

Throw a dinner party?

I don't even have time to wash my face.

No, you know what?

I'm going to go to this one.

You can stay home and babysit the kids.

Fine.

I can handle that.

Thank you.

Gabrielle spent her morning searching

for the mysterious little girl.

Sadly for her,

the mystery was solved a bit too quickly.

What's going on?

Have you met Ashley?

Found it!

Babe, this is Sheila Bukowski, our new neighbor.

They just moved into the miller's old house.

My daughter left her ball in your yard. I'm so sorry.

Oh, oh, no -- no problem.

Nice to meet you, Ashley.

She's shy. She doesn't say much.

Yeah, but I can see her little mind working away.

Nice meeting you.

Come on, Ashley.

Private sessions?

I don't understand. Why do we need private sessions?

Private sessions allow us to work on

the personal issues of both partners.

Oh, well, I don't have any personal issues.

My only issue is that my husband wants to leave me,

and how can I work on that if he's not in the room?

There are things I need to discuss with

Dr. Goldfine, and I can't have you there.

Why?

I'm your wife. You can say anything in front of me.

All we need is a few more sessions, and I'm sure we can --

Damn it, Bree,

a few more sessions isn't going to fix us.

This is bigger than that.

Why don't we do it this way?

Rex, you can take the first half-hour.

Bree, you can take the second.

Fine.

Oh, and, doctor,

if what he's about to discuss has anything to do with

adultery, prostitution, or internet pornography,

I would really appreciate you taking a moral hard line.

Hi, Ashley.

Remember me? We -- we met earlier.

Aren't you the little artist?

What are those -- flamingos?

No.

Well, they're very pretty.

It almost looks like they're kissing.

Funny thing about kissing --

It's not just for husbands and wives.

Sometimes we kiss our mom or our grandpa.

Sometimes we even kiss our dog. Ha ha.

Sometimes we even kiss people who are just our friends,

kind of like a high-five on the lips. Right?

Hey, Ash,

I was at the mall, and I saw this.

I thought you might like it.

She's Hawaiian.

Her name is princess Kahalua,

and I think it means "little waterfall,"

or "big pond" or something.

So we're good, right?

Well, you enjoy your new little friend,

and if there's anything else you need, you just let me know.

What I'd really like

is a bike.

Where did you find that?

She used this to kill herself.

Why would you keep it?

Why?

Because I thought we might need it someday.

For what?

Protection.

I want to talk about mom.

You need to take your medication.

We are going to talk about mom.

Hello, Zack.

I hope this isn't a bad time.

What can I do for you, Mrs. Van de Kamp?

Well, I wanted to invite you and your

father to a dinner party tomorrow night.

I'm not sure where he is right now.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry it's such late notice, but, well,

we weren't sure that you and your father were

ready for any kind of social engagement yet,

but, we're sort of throwing it in your mother's honor.

Really?

Yes, it's just going to be a casual night with the gang.

We're going to eat and tell fun stories about your mom.

Zack... Are you okay?

Hello, Bree.

Oh, hi, Paul. I was just --

I heard.

Thank you, but we already have plans for tomorrow.

Oh. That's too bad.

Well, I should go.

Thank you, Mrs. Van de Kamp.

For what, Zack?

Remembering my mom.

That night, Paul gave his son something

to calm his nerves,

And the next day, Gabrielle calmed her own nerves

by giving something to her new best friend.

Here you go.

Top of the line, 3-speed, aluminum frame,

handlebar ribbons, and a bell,

and you'll notice it's royal blue

to match your pretty little eyes.

My eyes are green.

Yeah, well, you'll be cruising so fast

on this, no one will even notice.

It's all yours, hon.

Have fun.

What? What's wrong?

I don't know how to ride a bike.

What?

Well, then, why did you ask for one?

Why can't you show me?

Sure, one of these days.

What's wrong with now?

After her talk with Lynette,

Susan decided to take a look at her old photo album,

and she began to see herself in a whole new light,

and the picture wasn't flattering.

Yeah, you got Karl. Leave a message.

Hey, Karl, it's me.

I was hoping you'd be there.

Um, listen, we need to talk,

so maybe when you drop Julie off tomorrow,

we could have a moment.

It's important.

Give my best to...

Brandi.

Call me.

Susan was proud of herself.

She was finally ready to let go of her anger.

Almost.

The boys will be hungry at 5:30,

so put the fish sticks in the toaster oven at 5:00.

For half an hour. Honey, I know.

This is the third time you've told me.

Well, if the food's late, god help you.

Beautiful, I don't need a pamphlet.

It's not brain surgery.

They're just kids, for god sake.

Preston, would you come here?

Sweetie,

you know our rule about eating cookies, right?

Yeah, we can't have them after 5:00,

cause sugar makes us hyper.

Yeah, but tonight, anything goes.

Make sure you share with your brothers.

Thanks, mom.

Don't look at your feet. Don't look at your feet.

Look at the road. Look at the road. Good.

Find your balance. Find your balance.

Okay, it's all you. It's all you! you're doing great!

Okay, stay to the right. Watch the car.

Watch the car! Watch the car!

Oh! Are you okay?

Yeah. Let's go again.

Oh, honey, these heels don't have another block in them.

What about tomorrow?

Well, you won't be around tomorrow, 'cause you have school.

I'm homeschooled.

I'm always around.

It was in that moment that Gabrielle

realized this ride was far from over.

I'm coming!

Karl, what are you doing here? I asked you to come tomorrow.

You said you wanted to talk. It sounded important.

Tomorrow. I'm in a towel.

We were married 14 years.

I know what's under there. Come on.

I'm not really ready for this.

I was going to have a whole speech prepared.

Brandi and I have plans tomorrow.

I suggest you wing it.

Um, okay.

Here's the thing, Karl --

I was thinking about what happened

in the driveway yesterday,

and I-I just don't want to --

I don't want to live like that.

I don't want to be that kind of person,

and I just thought if the two of us,

you know, if we had a nice, calm --

I need an apology, Karl.

A what?

An apology for the way you ended our marriage.

You never took any responsibility for your behavior.

I don't know what to say, Susan.

The heart wants what it wants.

What does that mean?

I fell in love.

While you were married to someone else.

The heart wants what it wants.

Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you,

But I can control myself.

I-I don't want to go back to that ugly place, really,

and if you do, I suggest that you get some help.

You know what?

I don't need an apology.

I don't need anything from you.

You're humiliating yourself.

No, you're the one who's been humiliated, Karl.

Why don't you see that?

You walked out on your family.

People think you're scum, not me,

so worry about yourself. I'm okay with me.

I can walk down the street and hold my head high.

As the sun slowly settled on Wisteria Lane,

an unsettled Susan racked her brain

to find a way into her own house.

Lying naked in her shrubs,

it occurred to Susan this could be the

most humiliating moment of her life.

Susan?

She was wrong.

Uh, whatcha doing?

Locked myself out...

naked.

And then I fell.

So how are you?

I just got back.

I've been gone all day,

and I got your messages about dinner,

and, um, I would love to come if that invite still stands.

It's a date.

All right. I, um...

assume the dress is casual.

Yeah. It's -- it's casual.

Thanks for helping me break in.

Do you think it'll be hard to replace that screen?

It depends.

If you nail it in yourself, you might want to wear gloves...

Or pants. Pants wouldn't hurt.

Okay, I know what just happened is funny in theory,

but I'm nowhere near ready to laugh about it,

so please, no jokes.

Hey, where have you two been?

Uh, Susan had a problem finding something to wear.

Oh, is that the kind of thing you meant?

Pretty much.

The kids are bouncing off the walls? Huh.

Well, I'm sure you can figure a way to put them to bed, Tom.

I mean, for god sakes, Tom, they're just kids.

Hey. Are you okay?

Yes, I-I went jogging today,

and I think I just pushed myself too hard.

Oh, you're probably not wearing the right shoes.

Yea, that thought did cross my mind.

So Gabrielle says that you and Bree are

taking lessons three times a week.

I'm actually thinking about playing again.

I mean, it's such great exercise.

Mm. That it is.

And my drop shot could use a serious tune-up.

Think you can give me the number of your pro?

Yeah. I'll, uh, I'll give it to you later.

Well, what club does he work out of?

W-We're not really taking tennis lessons, Carlos.

You're not?

That's a story

Bree concocted to cover the fact that

we're seeing a marriage counselor.

Bree -- Bree...

He wouldn't stop asking about the tennis pro.

Bree and I are in marriage counseling.

Everyone knows our secret now.

Did the sky fall?

Has your life come crashing down?

If everybody would please take your seats,

dinner is served.

With the winds from the northwest at 4 miles per hour,

it's currently 55 degrees.

Now we go to rich... live on the scene in Westbrook.

A grisly discovery was made today in Westbrook

when a chest was found in Rockwater Lake,

discovered by a local area businessman and

his grandson while they were fishing.

Investigators recovered a wooden chest

containing what appears to be human remains.

Now, a police spokesman says the body was --

Okay, I got to break the ice here.

So you're in counseling. Big deal.

You want humiliation?

I'll give you humiliation.

I locked myself out of my house

stark naked and got caught by Mike.

Oh, my god. When did this happen?

Today, right before the party.

What can I say? Right place, right time.

I think I can top that. Try getting thrown

out of Disneyland for lewd behavior.

What? When was this?

When Tom and I were first married,

things got a little out of hand on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

You're kidding.

No. We got perp walked down main street, USA.

Well, since we're doing true confessions,

Carlos and I once broke a waterbed in Cancoon.

How'd you manage that?

Well, he used to have a thing for spiked heels.

I'd just like to make it clear -- she was wearing them.

Rex cries after he ejaculates.

You think we left too early?

I was thinking we left too late.

So is, uh, Rex gone for good?

I don't know.

God, I hope not.

I mean, they've always been wound a little tight,

but I've never seen them like that.

Then again, who am I to judge?

You mean people who live in glass

houses shouldn't throw soda cans?

Okay, you have got to know that I

only get that angry around Karl.

He just treated me so badly at the end.

I haven't been able to get past it.

Well, maybe he did you a big favor.

What do you mean?

Let's look at Karl as a starter marriage

you know, boot camp.

Preparing you for something better next time.

Listen, Mike...

About the whole seeing me naked thing, I...

I don't -- I just want to thank you for

being such a... perfect gentleman.

Oh, I wasn't a perfect gentleman.

I might have snuck a peek.

Good night.

And, um, for what it's worth...

Wow.

How was your night?

We are raising little terrorists.

You know that, don't you?

Oh. You didn't have a good time?

Okay, you know what? Drop the act.

I know you gave them cookies.

Oh. Who cracked, anyway?

Porter.

So how was your, uh, dinner party?

Well, there was dinner, but it wasn't much of a party.

Uh-oh. What happened?

I don't know.

Rex announced that he and Bree are in counseling.

She retaliated with this whole revelation

which I won't even go into now,

and the bottom line is he stormed out.

Clearly, there's trouble in paradise.

Honestly, I'm not that surprised.

Why not?

I don't know. I just never got the

idea that they were really happy.

Are we happy?

Man, oh, man.

I keep seeing that look on Rex's face,

and then him taking off like that.

Some night.

Then again, I would probably cry, too,

if I had to have sex with that woman.

I mean, you watch a man get torn down like that,

it makes you wonder why he let her get away with it.

Believe me, if a woman ever

humiliated me like that in public,

Hm-- it would only happen once.

So, uh, where are you going?

I'll be staying at the motor lodge.

The hotel by the Interstate has better rates,

and it's closer to your work.

Fine.

I'm packing your swimsuit.

There's a pool there,

and I know how swimming relaxes you.

When our kids ask where I am, what are you going to say?

I could tell them that you went to tennis camp.

That was a joke.

Yeah. I got it.

Obviously, if you've forgotten anything,

you can, um, come right back and get it.

Well, I'll call you.

Rex.

In college, when we first started dating,

people were so jealous of us.

We were the golden couple.

Everybody knew we were going to have this wonderful life.

Why is this happening?

Because you can't even let me pack my own suitcase.

All right, see ya. Have fun.

Where are you going?

Just a sec.

Mom?

Don't worry. I'm not packing heat.

Hey, Brandy, would you scoot a little?

Just scoot. Thank you.

What are you doing?

I'll be quick.

Brandy, I'm sorry for the way I treated you.

It was uncalled for and childish,

and it won't happen again.

I have built up a lot of anger towards you, both of you,

and I realize now that I just

can't carry that around anymore,

so apology or no apology,

I'm moving on.

Mrs. Mayer?

Brandy.

Brandy, get in the car.

Mrs. Mayer.

Please, call me Susan.

I just wanted you to know

what happened between me and Karl,

things got out of hand.

Because I thought your marriage was over.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know

I'm sorry. I really am.

Thank you.

And though it came from an unexpected source,

Susan finally got the apology she'd always wanted.

Hey. Let me take those.

You're wearing a really big hat.

Yes, I am.

Listen, the kids are watching a video,

which means that we've got only about 45

minutes until they actually find Nemo,

so I suggest that we make the most of it.

By reliving your night out with the guys?

Lynette...

I'm trying.

You look... ridiculous in that thing.

Sexy ridiculous?

Maybe.

I can live... with maybe.

You know, it's going to take more than just this one night.

I know.

Looks like we have an audience.

Let 'em look.

As long as they don't try and cut in.

Dr. Goldfine.

Bree. We're not scheduled now, are we?

I didn't have time to make an appointment.

Rex moved out today.

Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that,

but unfortunately, I'm completely booked right now.

I don't need much time.

It just seems that you have more insight into my situation

than I do, and I just think --

Bree, we can't talk now.

If you could just tell me what he told you,

then I could fix the problem.

I can't do that. It's completely unethical.

Well, why can't you --

That's my next appointment.

You really need to go.

Dr. Goldfine, please.

Hold on. I'll go and talk to my client.

Bree searched for Rex's audiotape

hoping to find answers.

She found answers, all right,

but to entirely different questions.

I understand completely.

I'll -- I'll be out in just a minute.

Bree, I'm -- I'm sorry. He can't wait,

but I can see you first thing

in the morning -- 8:00.

8:00.

Sorry to interupt.

Bye.

Yes, I remember the world --every detail.

And what I remember most is how afraid I was.

What a waste.

You see, to live in fear is not to live at all.

I wish I could tell this to those I left behind,

but would it do any good?

Probably not.

I understand now --

there will always be those who face their fears...

And there will always be those who run away.

DH SE01 E04

Anybody home?

Susan played with fire... - That's not my cup.

And could get burned.

Go to a spa, go shopping. Find a way to relax.

Gabrielle... - Get here as fast as you can.

found herself a playmate.

Lynette couldn't get her kids to stop playing.

Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?

I have a theory.

If I don't get some sleep, I'll be

forced back upstairs out of exhaustion.

And Bree played hard ball.

Everyone has a little dirty laundry.

When I was alive, I maintained many different identities.

Lover, wife and, ultimately, victim.

Yes, labels are important to the living.

They dictate how people see themselves.

Like my friend Lynette.

She used to see herself as a career woman,

and a hugely successful one.

She was known for her power lunches,

her eye-catching presentations,

and her ruthlessness in wiping out the competition.

But Lynette gave up her career to assume a new label.

The incredibly satisfying role of full-time mother.

Scavo residence. Yes, this is me.

But, unfortunately for Lynette,

this new label frequently fell short of what was advertised.

How in the world did they...?

I left the door to the art supply

cupboard open for five minutes.

That's all. - Five minutes.

The little girl, why didn't she say anything?

Your boys work quickly.

Well, obviously they will be punished for this severely.

I hesitate bringing this up, since you

got so ugly about it last time...

They don't have attention deficit disorder,

and I won't drug my boys

just to make your job easier.

I'd rather change teachers.

The boys are in my class because I'm the

only teacher who can handle them.

What if we separate the twins,

put them in different classes?

They're much calmer when they're not bouncing off one another.

We can try that, but if it doesn't work,

we may no longer be able to accommodate them.

It suddenly occurred to Lynette,

her label was about to change yet again.

And for the next few years, she would be known as

the mother of the boys who painted Tiffany Axelrod blue.

It looked to be an interesting afternoon on Wisteria Lane.

A mysterious cassette tape had

been discovered by my friend Bree.

She had stolen it from her marriage counselor.

A counselor I'd once spoken to in strictest confidence.

So how have you been?

I had the nightmare again.

It's weird to hear Mary Alice.

Still the same one? - Yes.

But this time I was standing in a river

and I saw the girl under the water.

She kept screaming "Angela" over and over again.

What do you think the significance of the name "Angela" is?

Actually, that's my real name.

Her real name?

That doesn't make any sense.

I've seen her driver's license. I did not say Angela.

Bree, what does it say in the rest of the tape?

Just more about her nightmares,

and this girl she was afraid of.

So what the hell do we do now?

I think we should show Paul the note.

Are you sure? He's gonna freak.

It's now or never.

I saw what he's asking for the place.

It's gonna sell quickly.

Can I say something?

I'm glad Paul's moving. - Gaby.

I'm sorry. He's just always given my the creeps.

Haven't you guys noticed, he has this dark thing going on?

Something about him just feels...

Malignant? - Yes.

We've all sort of felt it.

That being said, I do love what he's done with that lawn.

Mom, the dish is clean.

I still don't understand why you don't just

ask him out on an official date date.

I'm trying a new strategy. I'm playing hard to get.

How long do you think you can keep that up?

Maybe until noon.

Then I'm going to have to run over there

and beg him to love me.

Uh, mom, I don't think you're

gonna be able to wait that long.

You got to be kidding. She washed her car yesterday.

Oh, no, she's not.

Yep, she's bringing out the big guns.

You better get over there. She's wearing cotton.

What am I supposed to say? "I saw you half-naked

and I thought I'd drop by"?

What's that?

A piece of Mike's junk mail we got by mistake.

I held onto it in case of an emergency.

God bless you.

Hey, Susan.

We got this by mistake.

Oh, thanks.

I hope it's not important.

No, it's just a promotion for the Rialto Film Festival.

Well, I guess I've done my good deed for the day.

I'll just head back home.

Bye.

Hey, you like old movies? - I love old movies.

I hate Susan Mayer.

Every time I see those big doe eyes of hers,

I swear to god I just want to go out and shoot a deer.

What has she done this time?

She is out there throwing herself at Mike Delfino,

again.

Susan likes Mike?

Where the hell have you been, Martha?

She's been lusting after him ever since he moved in.

I got your message. What's going on?

The boys refuse to be separated.

They refuse? They're six years old. Make them.

The school regulations are pretty strict

about me wrestling with the boys.

But if you want to give it a shot, be my guest.

Fine.

Oh, which one goes and which one stays?

You pick.

Come on now. Stop it! No. No.

I'm gonna take the whole table. That's right.

Come on now. I mean it.

I love taking baths. Especially with you.

It's like taking a vacation from the world.

I hated taking baths when I was a kid.

Of course, back then,

the only thing I had to play with was my rubber ducky.

Who's that?

It's Mr. Solis.

Relax. Carlos is at work and he doesn't ring the doorbell.

It's the cable guy. He's three hours late.

Use the side entrance.

Gabrielle knew her vacation from the world had ended.

What she didn't know was John had left behind a souvenir.

I'm telling dad didn't come home last night.

They had a fight. A bad one. - How bad?

Like divorce court bad.

Listen to her.

She always overcompensates when she's worried.

If dad moves out and leaves us with her,

I'll lose my mind.

Dinner is on the table.

Mom, where did dad go last night?

He got a last minute call to speak at

a medical conference in Philadelphia.

Take your seats.

This marriage is so over.

Andrew?

Again sorry I was late.

The scheduler overbooked me.

How long are you going to be? - Almost done.

What is that scent? Is that sage and citrus?

That's amazing.

Try to hurry. I have stuff to do.

Come on.

What's happening?

The cable guy fell.

He hit his head on the tub. He may have a concussion.

It's almost eight. - He was late.

Mrs. Huber.

Hello, Susan. I made you a pie.

Oh, wow! Why?

Do I need a motive to do something nice?

I can't wait for you to try this.

It's mincemeat.

Actually, I just had dinner.

That's ok. You can save it for later.

What's so funny?

I was just thinking of that expression,

"I'll make mincemeat out of you".

Mincemeat used to be an entrap of mostly chopped meat,

so it was like saying,

"I'll chop you up into little bits."

but that was centuries ago.

Today, mincemeat is mostly made of

fruit, spices and rum.

There's no meat in it and still people say,

"I'll make mincemeat out of you."

I don't know that people really say that anymore.

I do.

So, Susan, how are you?

I'm fine.

Good. You know, I have a confession to make.

I've always wish I'd been more supportive when Karl left you.

Oh, you don't have to apologize about Karl.

Really, Karl and I are over.

I've moved on. - Yes, I know.

You've moved on to that nice Mike Delfino.

He's quite a catch, isn't he?

You like him, don't you?

Ah, sure, as a friend.

Oh, Susan.

Being coy is a strategy best employed

by virgins at their first dance.

For women of our age,

it's just annoying.

You sure you don't want pie?

No, thank you.

I hope it works out with you and Mike.

You've been so desperate to land him.

What? I am not desperate.

Good lord, Susan,

you burned your rival's house down.

If that isn't desperate,

I don't know what is.

Mrs. Huber, with all due respect, you're crazy.

What's that? - I think you recognize it.

I found it in the ruins of Eddie's home.

Well, that's not... - Shh. My point is this.

I wasn't there for you when Karl left,

but I am here for you now.

As far as I'm concerned, this is our secret.

And no one ever need know.

Oh, Susan.

You don't know how good it feels

to finally be able to help you.

You look so pale.

Now, I insist you try some of my pie.

Go on.

Did I mention it's mincemeat?

Open the door, please. - Hang on.

What? - May I come in?

No. - I want to talk to you.

Then talk. - Where were you last night?

Brian's. - I just spoke to Brian's mother.

Tell me again where you were last night,

and this time don't lie to me.

Where did you say dad was again? In Philadelphia?

Andrew, don't change the subject.

Sorry, I thought the subject was telling lies.

I called dad's cell phone.

I know he moved out.

Well, it's just temporary and...

...I thought it would upset you so I was protecting you.

Whatever. You lied.

So stop pretending like you have

some sort of moral authority.

Andrew, just because I chose not to

share my marital problems with you

doesn't give you the right to be rude.

How about driving my father away.

Do I get to be rude then?

What's this?

It's a sock. - It's a man's sock.

I found it under our bed.

It's not mine.

Oh, for god sakes, Carlos, it's Yao Lin's.

Our maid wears size 13 gym socks?

No, she dusts with them.

See? Socks instead of rags.

Susan, hello. - Mrs. Huber.

Did you and Mike come together?

I saw him over in the fresh produce aisle.

No. Like I told you. We're just friends.

Oh.

By the way, if I didn't make it clear yesterday,

I absolutely did not do that thing you accuse me of.

Hey, Susan. Hey, Mrs. Huber.

Nice to see you, Mike.

Hey. You like Alfred Hitchcock?

They're doing a retrospective at the rialto.

Uh... ...I'm not really a fan.

Come on, how can you not like Hitchcock?

I just, uh, don't.

Oh. Ok.

Well, uh, nice to see you.

You too, Mrs. Huber.

You're so silly.

Pretending not to like him on my account.

I mean, really.

Will you just drop it?

You shouldn't be rude to me.

Your secret is not an easy burden to bear.

That insurance company is putting Eddie through hell.

But still I've said nothing. - Well...

The longer it takes for her payment,

the longer she'll be staying with me.

Eating me out of house and home. Using up my hot water.

What exactly is it you want from me, Mrs. Huber?

Are these together?

Ring it up.

If the school and the pediatrician

think the twins could be medicated,

then what's the problem?

I used to run a company with 85 people,

and now I can't wrangle three

small boys without doping them?

Talk about feeling like a failure.

Lynette, you are a great mother.

But, let's face it,

your kids are a challenge.

Thank you. That's the nicest way you could've said that.

You know, the truth is

when they're not making me want to tear my hair out,

they're actually really sweet.

I'm afraid if I change the bad stuff,

I'm going to change the good stuff.

It's a tough call.

Like this mug.

I love this mug. If I medicate them,

will they still make me a mug like this?

You know, it's leaking.

Yeah, I know.

We talked to Paul. We told him

we need to show him something.

He's on his way over.

So, Paul, we notice that you're selling the house.

Yes, too many painful memories. I'm sure you understand.

Before you move, we thought there's something you should know.

It seems there may be more to Mary Alice's

death than you are aware of.

Remember when you asked us to pack her things?

Well, when we did, we found a note.

And we think that you should have it.

You can see from the postmark,

Mary Alice probably got it the day she died.

Paul, are you going to be okay? - No.

Have you always cleaned with socks? - Yes.

What is that, a Japanese thing?

I am Chinese.

I don't like lying.

I don't like your ironing, so there.

Mrs. Solis, what are you doing here?

Carlos found this under the bed.

Oh, crap.

It's ok. It was close call,

but I managed to cover.

I got you these, so from now on,

we can't let Carlos see you wearing

anything resembling a gym sock.

You want me to mow your lawn in sandals.

I could lose a toe.

Imagine what you'd lose if he finds out

you're trimming more than the hedge.

Why are your friends staring at me?

Did you tell them about us? - No.

They're staring 'cause they think you're hot.

Oh... Ok.

It's 9:30. What is your brother thinking?

Want my advice? Call dad.

Tell him to go kick Andrew's ass.

I am perfectly capable of handling this without your father.

I'm sorry. - Where's your cell phone?

Call Andrew. Find out where he is.

He'll know you're behind this.

He won't. Just act normal.

Hey, it's me. Ah, what's going on?

He knows.

Andrew, this is your mother.

I am rapidly reaching the end of my patience with you.

Where are you? Are you at a bar?

Andrew? Andrew?

Mom? - He hung up on me.

What are you gonna do?

Heath. Lan. Andrew.

Mom, how did you even know I was here?

You went in my room? - You think that's bad?

Tomorrow morning, I'm cleaning it.

Oh, by the way, Heath.

I didn't get a chance to tell you,

that was a lovely solo last week at church.

Thank you. We're out of here.

I hope it wasn't something I said.

Well, Andrew, shall we?

You just humiliated me in front of my friends.

I'm not going anywhere with you. - Fine.

What are you doing? - I'm staying for the show.

I'm dying to see what all the fuss is about.

Excuse me, waitress. I'll have a glass of your house Chardonnay.

Of course, ma'am.

I'm curious. Andrew,

as you fantasize about this woman,

do you ever stop and think how

she came to be on this runway?

That's someone's little girl.

And that someone probably had a lot of dreams for her.

Dreams that did not include a thong and a pole.

It's not going to work, ok? I'm not budging.

God knows what she's had to deal with in life.

Abject poverty, drugs, domestic violence,

maybe even molestation.

Mom!

Now she treats herself the way

other men treat her. Like an object. A piece of meat.

That does it. Kid, get her out of here.

She's killing it for the rest of us.

We're not here, leave a message.

It's Mrs. Huber, Susan, are you there?

I can see your lights are on.

I hope you're not screening. That's so tacky.

Listen. I need to talk to you.

My water heater just burst

and it's gonna cost me $600 to get a new one.

And I can't afford that.

I'm just beside myself. Call me as soon as you get in.

Julie, honey, wake up.

We need to talk.

Can't this wait until morning?

I think I'm being blackmailed.

And when I realized I couldn't put out the fire, I ran.

I must've dropped the measuring cup in the process.

Why do I even let you out of the house?

Obviously, I can't let her get away with this.

The only thing to do is go to the police

and tell them what happened.

You can't do that.

Julie, I don't think they'll throw me in jail.

I mean, it was an accident.

Dad won't care if it was an accident.

You know he'll just use this as an excuse to reopen custody.

Mom, I don't want to live with dad. - I know.

I need to talk to you. - Cool. Sure.

You were working tuesday, right? - Yeah.

You remember the cable guy showing up?

And you usually work till what time, five?

Yeah.

Damn it. That means he was in the house for four hours.

Wait. Now that I think about it,

I might not have seen him.

Either you saw him or you didn't. Which is it?

I didn't.

John...

...did my wife ask you to lie for her?

Mr. Solis, uh... I really don't want

to get in the middle of anything.

Thank you. That's all I needed to know.

Let's run through it one more time.

Mom, it's not brain surgery.

You'll stand guard while I crawl through Mrs. Huber's doggie door.

Once inside, I find the measuring cup.

Simple.

Mm, god. I hate that I'm turning you into a little thief.

It's our cup. We're just taking back what's ours.

That's right. Ethically,

we have nothing to be ashamed about.

Oh. Wear these. I don't want you to leave finger prints.

There she goes. Ok. Move.

Oh, so glad to be playing frisbee again.

Here you go. Coming at you

All right. Back up a little more. There you go.

Whoo! All right. Here we go.

Oh, my, whoops! You better go get that. Yeah. Hah!

Mike. - Hey, Susan.

I thought that was you.

Uh... Yeah. Julie and I are out tossing a frisbee around,

and it flew off into Mrs. Huber's back yard.

Oh, you need some help?

No, no, no. Julie's got it.

Ok. I'm glad I ran into you.

I wanted to make sure things were ok between us.

The other day, you seemed kind of distant.

Distant? What do you mean?

I mean, you're not mad at me for some reason, are you?

No. No, not at all.

Good. 'cause I'm gonna take one more shot.

I got tickets for a Billy Wilder retrospective,

Wednesday night.

I'd love to take you with me.

You are so sweet. I'd love to go.

All right.

Eddie, I thought you'd be at work.

I'm not feeling well.

I got a sunburn the other day washing my car.

Well, don't just run off. Come and hang out with us.

Boy, you are one sick ticket. - What?

It's not bad enough I have to watch

you throw yourself at him every day.

Now you want to make sure I see it up close and personal?

No, it's not like that. - I've got to take off.

I'll call about Wednesday night, ok?

Edie, wait.

Mike and I were gonna go see the movies on Wednesday

and I thought it would be fun if you joined us.

You want me to come with you? - Yeah.

Yeah, that's ok, isn't it, Mike?

Well, it's a limited engagement.

And it's sold out. I've only got two tickets.

Edie, wait. You should take my ticket.

Really? Is that ok with you, Mike?

Uh, yeah, sure.

So, uh, what time do you want to pick me up?

Hang on.

You think you can have sex with anyone you want, huh?

Carlos couldn't help but feel proud of himself.

After all, he'd just defended his honor.

Or had he?

Are you gay? - Yes. Is that why you're doing this?

"Will you buy some chocolates?"

Ladies.

Hey, Paul, what's up?

I wanted to apologize for my outburst yesterday.

Don't worry about it. We unloaded a lot on you.

I suppose you're wondering why I

reacted so violently to that note.

It did... cross our minds.

Well, the truth is, Mary Alice was not a well person.

She was very troubled.

Troubled? - At first it was harmless.

She'd leave herself notes, reminders like,

"pick up the milk"

or "Zach has a dentist appointment."

But over time the notes became ugly.

Hateful messages started showing up.

Mary Alice was writing them to me,

to Zach, to herself.

Really? - That's why I lost it.

I was reminded of what Zach and I had been through.

Paul, I'm so sorry. - We had no idea.

No.

Anyway, I'd appreciate it

if you kept this to yourselves.

For Zach's sake. - Of course. Of course.

Bye.

I think he's lying. - Huh. So do I.

You didn't get me! Bang! Bang!

Boys, could you get in here, please?

He broke my plane. - I did not.

We'll talk about that later. I need you to take medicine.

Are we sick?

Not exactly. There is a special medicine.

It's like a vitamin and you'll take it every day, ok?

Stay right there.

Now open up.

Here, you... - No.

Guys, this is a... guys, here... - Nope.

In that moment, Lynette made a decision.

When it came to dealing with her children,

medication was no longer an option.

Of course, given her continuing level of frustration,

Lynette also felt a little

self-medication couldn't hurt.

So what's your strategy?

Are you just never gonna speak to me again?

Something like that.

I suppose I do owe you an apology.

Careful. I wouldn't want you to strain yourself.

I shouldn't have lied to you about your father.

You two are old enough to handle the truth

and I'm sorry.

Keep going.

I'm mad at you for about 7,000 other things.

If you think I'll apologize for taking

you out of a strip club, you're wrong.

I consider it one of my finest moments.

Oh, Andrew.

I know you blame me

for what's happening with your father,

but it's not entirely my fault and

I need you to understand that.

I do.

I just... don't want him to leave.

Neither do I.

Mom. - Yeah?

When can I have my door back?

Three months.

Royal Oaks was the scene of a hate crime today.

Jonathan Lisco, local gay activist

and part-time female impersonator,

was brutally attacked in his home.

Lisco speculated the attack

was in response to his efforts

to secure same-sex partner insurance

coverage from his employer,

Cliffside cable.

Police are circulating this sketch of the assailant.

The circumstances speak for themselves.

I've taken a strong stance with my company.

Is there something you want to ask me?

No.

You took it, didn't you?

Good evening, Mrs. Huber.

It's my own fault for not hiding the cup.

If you're capable of arson,

obviously you're capable of breaking and entering.

I don't know what you're talking about. Mrs. Huber.

I suppose you destroyed it.

Again, I don't know what you're talking about,

but... yeah, I did.

I was going to keep your secret.

It's a shame you couldn't trust me.

You're a piece of work. Do you know that?

Oh, Susan, let's not be unpleasant.

We can go back to the same friendly

relationship we've always had.

I will keep my lawn looking nice.

And I would make sure my music isn't played too loud.

And if I get some of your mail,

heck, I'll run it right over,

'cause that's what good neighbors do.

But from now on, when I run into you on the street,

and I say, "good morning, Mrs. Huber"

or "how are you, Mrs. Huber?"

Just know that inside

I am quietly but decidedly hating your guts.

Careful, dear,

let's not say things we'll live to regret.

Good evening, Mrs. Huber.

He actually said Mary Alice was crazy?

Not in so many words, but everything Paul said

made it seem like she was schizophrenic.

I think he's hiding something. I know it.

But wait, what about the tape?

She did say her name was Angela.

Mary.Alice was not crazy.

My father was a prosecutor and he always

said that the simplest explanation

was usually right.

But remember the note said

"I know what you did. It makes me sick.

And I'm going to tell."

That's not something someone writes to themselves.

That's a message sent by an enemy.

So exactly what is it you hired me to do?

It's very simple really.

Someone sent that note to my wife

and I need to know who.

What type of person would send such a note?

Was it an enemy? Of course.

But what kind? An acquaintance?

A stranger?

Or how about a neighbor that lives a few feet away?

DH SE01 E05

The boys are in my class because

I'm the only teacher who can handle them.

We may no longer be able to accommodate them.

Ultimatums were made.

She used this to kill herself. Why would you keep it?

Questions were asked.

Are you ok? - I think he's hiding something.

And lots of evidence was uncovered.

What is it you hired me to do?

Someone sent that note to my wife.

I need to know who.

You like Alfred Hitchcock?

I found it in the ruins of Edie's home.

I found it under our bed. It's not mine.

Talk about dirty laundry.

Every neighborhood has a woman like Alberta Frome.

And every woman like Mrs. Frome has a cat.

When she traveled,

Mrs. Frome would arrange for friends

to look after her beloved pet.

This time, however, she was forced

to ask her neighbor, Susan Mayer.

Mrs. Frome liked Susan.

But it was common knowledge on Wisteria Lane,

where Susan Mayer went, bad luck was sure to follow.

Her misfortunes ranged from the commonplace...

...to the unusual...

...to the truly bizarre.

As she waved goodbye, she worried

that Susan's bad luck would continue.

For that matter, so did her cat.

Mr. Whiskers. Dinner time.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

That's weird. Cats can't open drawers, can they?

Are you sure you didn't leave them open? - No way.

Wow. Do you think somebody broke in?

Mr. Whiskers?

Mr. Whiskers?

Though she didn't know it at the time,

Susan's luck... had finally started to change.

News that an intruder had breached

the security of Wisteria Lane

spread like wildfire.

At a neighborhood watch meeting the next night,

residents voiced their concerns

over the increasing dangers their community faced.

Mrs. Ida Grenberg said

someone was looking through her bathroom window

whenever she took a shower.

Bob Fisk warned those present that a government agency

was listening in on their phone conversations.

Helen Vale spoke of a ruthless local tenage gang

that had egged her minivan.

Three factors contribute to...

The evening concluded with

Officer Thompson offering safety tips

and a plan of action.

...The oppoutunity you have some control over.

You can sign up for daily or nightly patrols,

which might seem like overkill,

but I guarantee regular surveillance will deter

even the most determined criminal.

Are there any other questions?

All right. Let's be careful out there.

Actually, I do have a question. Do you have a second?

Sure. How can I help?

Um... I'm the one who discovered the break-in.

I think I found some evidence. - Evidence?

This is a screwdriver left behind by the burglar.

I didn't touch it.

Why didn't you give this to the investigators?

I tried and they sort of laughed at me.

Because apparently nothing was taken from Mrs. Frome's house.

I apologize for that. That was totally unprofessional.

Thank you.

So you think it should be dusted for prints?

Yes. And I'll make sure it gets done. - Great.

Bye.

Boys, stop it! Go to bed!

We're not tired! - Well, at least go upstairs.

We want to play! - Look!

Gimme!

Go! Go!

So why weren't you sitting with Mike?

I thought you two were an item.

I sort of thought so too.

Getting a lot of mixed signals.

I'll tell you who wasn't giving mixed signals.

Sexy officer Thompson.

He stared at you all night.

You noticed that?

Honey, trust me,

when they're not staring at me, I notice.

I appreciate you guys staying and helping.

Oh, please. I would have hosted it myself

but there's camping equipment everywhere.

It's nice of you.

And there's something else nice

that I'd like you to do.

Your kids both went to Barcliff Academy, didn't they?

We need you to recommend Porter and Preston.

We can't get an interview.

You want me to recommend the twins?

Yes. You can tell them

how beautifully behaved the boys are.

So you want me to lie? - Yeah.

I thought that was understood.

I'm very well respected at Barcliff,

and my word won't be good there any more.

Yes, but by the time they realize

their mistake, we'll be in.

You're not having any more kids. What do you care?

I had hoped some day to

get my grandchildren into Barcliff.

But I suppose that doesn't matter to you, does it?

It really doesn't.

We've got to get rid of it.

I said leave it alone! - No! You can't stop me!

Paul and Zach are fighting again.

The second time this week.

They never fought when Mary Alice was alive.

It's a shame. They used to be such a happy family.

Just because you didn't hear them fighting,

doesn't mean they were happy.

The next day, as residents

began to patrol Wisteria Lane

in the hopes of foiling potential burglars,

Gabrielle was about to experience

a home invasion of her own.

Mama Solis! What are you doing here?

I came to visit my son and daughter-in-law.

What does it look like?

Does Carlos know you're coming?

No. He likes to be surprised.

Now come.

Gabrielle. Come.

Family should always hug...

... regardless of how they feel about each other.

Wow. She's a beauty. 30-footer?

Sweet. I sail. I've got a flying Scott.

We have several yachting enthusiasts here in Barcliff Academy.

I could introduce them to you...

That sounds great.

...if we decide to enroll your children.

To be honest, Mr. And Mrs. Scavo,

your children's educational background

is a bit more common than we would prefer.

But Mrs. Van de Kamp said they were identical twins?

Yes. Completely identically. You can't tell them apart.

They're like book ends.

We do strive for diversity at Barcliff.

Identical twins could be interesting.

The boys are fascinating. They even

have their own twin secret language.

Yeah, it's pretty scary.

Not so much scary as highly developed.

Yeah, they bark and growl at each other.

Tom, Mr. Lentz was trying to say something.

Sorry. Go ahead, Mr. Lentz.

I'd love to meet these twins of yours.

I tell you what.

I'm going to put them on our "must-meet list".

Terrific! - Thank you so much.

What is a "must-meet list"?

We bring them in for observation.

Observation?

Mm. To see how they play with the other children,

how they respond to authority,

that sort of thing.

Great. - That sounds wonderful.

Kids ready?

Almost. Thanks for driving them.

Happy to do it. I miss them.

Did you hear there was a break-in at Mrs. Frome's the other night?

Yeah. I heard they didn't take anything.

It's still frightening.

He could have been a sexual predator.

And he ended up at Mrs. Frome's?

That would have been a lose-lose situation.

Rex, that's not the point.

I don't feel safe. I was wondering

if you could spend the night.

You're in the NRA. You own four guns.

If somebody broke in I'd expect you to protect me.

Rex, the truth is, with the kids gone,

I'll be all by myself in this house

for the first time in 17 years.

I know it's hard to hear,

but the marriage counseling might not work out.

You need to get used to being alone.

You're right. That was hard to hear.

What are you doing? - That is for the kids' trip.

Oh, come on. I'm staying at a motel.

I haven't had a decent meal in weeks.

Honey, the marriage counseling might not work out.

You need to get used to bad cooking.

Hey. Screwdriver girl.

I took your evidence into the lab for fingerprints.

Really? That's great.

I'll call you if I hear something. - Ok.

Sorry! - Thanks.

Actually, I'd like to call you anyway

if that's ok.

Oh. You seem like a really sweet guy

in an interesting line of work

but I'm not really available.

Oh. You have a boyfriend? - Yeah, sort of.

Sort of. - It's hard to explain. Even to myself.

Unit 23, we have a 907A in progress.

Please respond.

Ten-four. I'm on my way. I gotta go.

Apparently there's a hostage situation.

So you're really turning me down?

Boy. My self-esteem can't take this. - I'm sorry.

No, it's just, now my ability to help

those hostages has been compromised.

Still, don't blame yourself for what might happen. - Blame myself?

Yeah. It's just hard to rescue folks when

you don't feel good about yourself.

Ah, they'll probably all die anyway.

Ok, fine. I'll go out with you.

Great. I'll call you.

Now that you've got your date,

you can tell me what 907A really means.

Someone's TV was playing too loud.

Thank god for The Thin Blue Line.

I'll call you.

I'll be outside doing my yoga.

I'll be right back.

Do you have to do that now? My mother's here.

I'm not gonna stop my life just

just because she decides to shows up unannounced on my add.

She's family. She doesn't need an invitation.

Whatever. It's rude.

It's real pretty, mama.

You were always good with your hands.

So, I assume you didn't insist

that I travel 2,000 miles

for small talk.

So why am I here?

She...

...is unhappy.

I've given her everything she ever wanted,

but it doesn't seem to make a difference.

I feel her drifting further and further away.

And lately I've started thinking that maybe...

So you think she's cheating on you?

I think so.

We can talk about your problems,

but I'm not gonna have any of that.

Do you have any proof?

No. It's just a feeling.

I had that feeling

with your father and that whore waitress.

And I was right. Always trust your feelings.

So what do I do?

You don't do anything.

I'll take care of it.

Thank you, mama.

I'm sorry I had to hit you, but we're strong people.

We don't cry about our problems.

We find ways to fix them.

While the residents of Wisteria Lane kept up their patrols

in an effort to prevent future break-ins,

Lynette hatched a plan to break her

children into Barcliff Academy.

Boys, wake up.

Come on. We're gonna have some fun today.

Come on. - Mom. Hi.

Come on! I bet you can beat me! Come on!

Go, go, go! Yes, yes, yes! Mush!

Mush! Mush! Mush!

Mom, I'm tired.

If I can still see your head,

the pool's not deep enough.

Are your boys usually so docile?

They're always a little shy at first.

Look at that concentration.

Porter loves his puzzles.

Mama, I'll be right back. I'm going to the store.

Gabrielle! I'm coming with you.

I want to make some tamales for Carlos.

No, I'm not going to the supermarket.

I'm going to the lingerie store.

Good. I need some bras. - I'm gonna be a while.

I might get a facial.

I have a face.

Hey, Mike. - How's it going?

Good. Just came by to say hello. - Hello.

So you remember the cop from the neighborhood watch meeting?

He agreed to run a fingerprint check on

the screwdriver I found at Mrs. Frome's house.

He did? Nothing was taken.

Still, somebody broke in. It is a crime.

So the weird thing is the cop asked me out,

on a date.

And I sort of said yes.

I was just curious what you thought about that.

You're asking my permission to go out with him?

No. No, I just uh...

was wondering your opinion.

I don't really have one.

Ok. Great.

Fine.

Thank you. - Susan, wait. Wait, I...

I'm sorry.

My life is just really complicated right now.

You don't have to explain.

Susan. - It's complicated. I get it.

Paul? Paul?

Oh. Hi, Zachary. Sorry, the door was open and...

It's ok. You can come in.

Is your father here? We're scheduled to do a patrol today.

He had to go out of town. Again.

Oh. Well, I guess I can do it by myself.

Wow. This place is just immaculate.

My mom liked things clean.

She would be very proud of you.

What happened to your varnish?

That's where my mother died.

I messed up the floor trying to get out the blood.

I'll tell my dad that you stopped by. - Ok.

Zach, do you have plans for dinner?

So you shop a lot, huh? - Yeah. So?

Most women that shop a lot, it's because

they don't have anything better to do.

What's your point? - Well, if you had children...

Here we go.

I'm just saying that children give your life a purpose.

You're so busy taking care of them

you don't have time to wonder if you're happy.

You know, Juanita, this is so like you.

I invite you on a nice shopping

trip and you find ways to upset me.

You didn't invite me. I invited myself.

You keep looking at your watch.

Is there some place you have to be?

No! And I am not one of those

women who has a hole in her heart

that can only be filled by a baby.

I like my life a lot. It's very fulfilling.

Excuse my daughter-in-law. She's very fulfilled.

So he just blew you off?

I told him another man asked me out.

It was a perfect opportunity for

Mike to be jealous, and nothing.

Did you bat your eyes? It doesn't work if you don't bat your eyes.

I batted everything that wasn't nailed down. Nothing.

Thanks. - So what's going on there?

Gophers.

I'm sorry about Mike. I know you like him.

Maybe it's my fault.

Maybe I just imagined an entire relationship

with this man that didn't exist.

There has been flirting. I have seen it.

And the flirting made me think he was kind,

trustworthy, honest and hygienic.

A guy just smiles at me three times

and I'm picking out wedding china.

I'm a mess.

But to be fair, that's part of your charm.

That's what happened with Karl.

I only dated him a couple of months.

I filled in the blankets, I married him.

It was a disaster.

You think Mike is a Karl in disguise?

I don't know. What does that mean anyway?

"My life is complicated."

If I wanted to sit around and wait for nothing,

I could do it on the can.

You're late. What's with the face?

I screwed up. I broke into the

Frome house and almost got caught.

What's "almost"?

I accidentally left something behind with my prints on it.

Did you ever hear of gloves? - It's the suburbs.

I didn't think it'd matter.

Anyway, the police are running

a check and I'm in the system.

I gotta pull up stakes before they come looking for me.

That's a sweet sound. Laughter like that, huh?

Pisses me off.

If and when your cover is blown, you disappear.

Until then, you keep fixing the neighbors' pipes.

The more time I spend at this town,

the more I think we're making a mistake.

These are nice people.

My money says one of them isn't.

Thanks.

No more screw-ups.

I'm getting something to drink. Do you want something?

Don't be mad. - I waited for three hours for you.

I had to use a month's worth of

lunch money to pay for that room.

It's not my fault.

Juanita hasn't let me out of her sight since she got here.

Really? Well, I don't see her now.

She's watching her Mexican soap opera.

The rebel's virgin daughter is about to

be seduced by the escaped desperado.

So until she puts out,

Juanita won't even know that I'm gone.

Come on. I said I was sorry.

Just so you know,

I've turned down half the pep-squad for you.

You can't be serious.

I'm starting to think that... maybe I

should be with someone my own age.

I thought teenage girls bored you, John.

I thought what we had was beyond that.

so did I.

Why go back to something you don't want?

I don't know. - Maybe you're tired of me.

No. I want to be with you.

Then why are we arguing?

Gabrielle! - Damn it!

The virgin gave it up already?

I want you so bad.

When can I see you again? - Tomorrow.

Meet me at the mall after school.

What about your mother-in-law? - I'll think of something.

Gabrielle! Gabrielle! - Coming!

A donation? Now Barcliff wants a donation?

Apparently we're in competition with one other family.

A generous donation will ensure our kids beat 'em out.

How generous? - 15 thousand.

We don't have that. - That's what I told them.

So what will we do? Public school is

out unless we move to a new district.

We're not moving.

Maybe it's time that we look into home schooling.

I know you did not just say that.

Honey, it's got its advantages.

Kids at home school do better in their later years.

They won't make it to their later years

if I have to spend all day with them.

Honey, sometimes you've just got to make the sacrifice.

It's probably the best thing for the kids.

Why don't we just put them back in me and cook

them until they're civilized.

You'd be cool with that?

I've never had plum pudding before.

I'm serving it for christmas.

I like to try out new recipes before the actual holiday.

That way, if the cookbook's gotten it wrong, I can fix it.

You must really like Christmas.

You and Mr. Van de Kamp always have the best decorations.

I adore the holidays.

I never get depressed if there's a decorated tree.

My mom and I would always decorate our tree together.

This Christmas is gonna be weird. - Oh, Zach.

You know, my mother died when I

was young. She was hit by a car.

It was right before Christmas, as a matter of fact.

We were all singing carols and the dog was howling

because everybody in my family sings off-key except for me.

Anyway, it was a terrible ruckus.

So no one noticed when my mother went

out to give the neighbors a gift.

The next thing we heard were brakes screeching.

Most of my family went to the hospital

but I stayed home because I was so young.

When I looked out the window

I saw my mother's blood on the street

and nobody was doing anything about it.

So I got a hose and I washed it off.

And once it was clean, I felt so much better.

I've never told anyone that story before.

Those are the most interesting ones.

The stories that we never tell anyone.

Yeah. You're probably right.

I have one.

It's more of a secret really.

I know why my mom killed herself.

You do? - It was something I did.

Something bad.

What did you do, Zach?

Zach. Sweetheart.

No. I shouldn't have said anything.

If my dad found out...

I won't tell your father!

I can't get you involved.

Zachary, it's all right!

I can't believe Zach said that.

What else did Zach tell you?

Just that Mary Alice killed herself

because of something he'd done.

You couldn't get any more out of him?

Oh, I tried, but he was so nervous.

He actually started shaking then he just left.

Ok, this is getting really weird.

I think we should go to the police.

And tell them what?

We don't even have the note any more. We gave it to Paul.

You have to get Zach to tell you something

so we have more to go on.

Girls, You don't understand.

This poor kid is scared out of his mind.

Bree, for god's sakes, you're a woman.

Manipulate him. That's what we do.

But how?

I don't know. How did you usually manipulate Rex?

Hello, Zachary.

Are you free for dinner tonight?

Sure.

Oh, good. Because last night you

put me in such a holiday mood.

I'm gonna make roast turkey and candy yams and eggnog.

Have you ever had real, old-fashioned eggnog?

I don't think so. - You are gonna love it.

It has quite a kick.

Mine!

Preston! - Boys, could you stop...

Lynette was desperate to avoid home schooling.

But she saw no options on the horizon.

Until a solution sailed into view.

Gabrielle, please. You bought me enough things.

You're the one who's supposed to be shopping.

Mama, you're in a rut.

We need to spice up your wardrobe. Ooh. Here.

Try this one on. Go on. Try it on.

Mama Solis, how are you doing in there?

Is it supposed to be so tight?

Yes, it's form-fitting. You'll look great.

Gabrielle, I don't think this dress is right for me.

I can't breathe.

Well, maybe I made a mistake.

While you change,

I'm gonna make a quick run to the book store.

Wait! I'm coming with you!

No! I'll just be a minute!

I'm coming with you!

Wait!

Gabrielle! Wait! - Ma'am!

Ma'am. Sorry, I'm gonna need to look in your bags, please.

Fine. Just hurry up.

Right on time.

I don't know where that blouse came from.

Security. - Keep your stupid blouse.

I have to find my daughter-in-law.

Don't touch me. Don't you dare touch me!

Ma'am, you have to come with us.

Get your hands off me! Gabrielle!

Hello.

Hey, it's me. - Oh, hi, Rex. How are you?

Is something wrong?

I was just about to grab dinner from that motel vending machine

and it occurred to me, "what the heck? I'll go out."

Would you like to have dinner with me?

Mrs. Van de Kamp. Guess what.

I found all my mom's old Christmas stuff.

Oh. Sweetie, I was just coming over to talk to you.

I am so sorry but something important

came up and I have to cancel.

Really? - We'll do it again.

We'll have our impromptu holiday dinner. I promise.

Bye.

Mm. I got one. Kelly Halstatter.

In eighth grade, she used to spit in my gym shoes.

Kelly Halstatter.

Kelly Halstatter. Here, look.

Two duis, one check-kiting and an open bench warrant.

How tragic. By which I mean, "yay".

You've been a good sport coming on my shift with me.

Well, time flies when you're on a stakeout in cracktown.

So when does our official date begin?

Taxpayers say 20 minutes. But I say now.

They're down. - Thank you.

Honey, you read up on home schooling?

Yeah. It gave me some good ideas.

Well, one, anyway.

Great. What have you got?

You know how we both agree that one of us

needs to stay home and parent the kids

and one of us needs to make a living?

And then I suddenly remembered that when I was working

I made a little more than you.

What are you doing?

You tossed out that little sacrifice comment a while ago.

It occurred to me, I've made

sacrifices over the past six years.

I gave up my career.

If another sacrifice has to be made,

I think it's your turn on the man go round.

Lynette? - So if I went back to work,

you could stay home and take care of the kids.

I can't be with the kids all day. I'd lose my mind.

Hey. Ok, I get it. Home schooling is out.

How are we gonna scrape together

15 grand for this endowment?

Mm. How, how, how...

Think. Think real hard.

Oh, no. - Aye-aye.

The restaurant's run by this little old guy named Arinello.

He will propose to you. Don't say yes

because he's dead serious.

But what if I like him?

Hey. I thought this went to the lab.

All right. You got me.

And that means what? - Look, Susan.

No one would authorize lab time or a

computer search for a case like this.

It's just not a priority. - So why

couldn't you just tell me that?

Well, I thought we were clicking.

Does this need to be a big deal?

Well, if you'd only lied to me about it once it wouldn't be.

All right. I get it. You want me to beg. Ok.

Look at me. I'm begging.

Come on. Don't be such a girl about this.

I know who you are. You're a Karl in disguise.

I'm done with you. All of you.

Oh, come on, drama queen. What are you doing?

Where are you going? It's not safe.

I'd rather take my chances on the street,

thank you very much.

Why do I always pick the psychos?

Excuse me. I'm a little lost.

You best be lost. This here's my corner.

Oh, yes. And a lovely corner it is.

And I hate to bother you while you're working.

I was just wondering if you

point me in the direction of a payphone?

Oh, if you have some change for

this five. Preferably quarters.

Honey, if I got paid in quarters,

I'd be doing something very wrong.

Right. Ok.

Thank you.

Hey. You want to use my cell? I have weekend minutes.

Thank you so much. You're saving my life.

Excuse me, honey. - Oh, yes. You do what you've got to do.

Oh, please answer. Come on. Pick up, Julie.

Oh, thank god. Don't ask any questions.

Just get somebody down here to pick me

up at the corner of Ninth and Foster.

Hey, babe.

Thank you. No. I'm on a break.

Hurry, please.

Excuse me. We got a call. Something about a break-in.

One of your neighbors was reporting seeing someone

forcing his way into your home.

We sent some guys out to investigate and uh...

What is it? - I gotta tell you, ma'am.

I thought I'd seen a lot on the job,

but this is something else.

So let me get this straight.

He chopped down one of our pine trees?

I'm afraid so.

Zach, why did you do this?

I don't know. - Take off those handcuffs, please.

Ma'am, he confessed to breaking in.

This is not up for discussion.

Go ahead.

Sir, you can't...

Zach.

Are you ok? - Yeah.

Then how much for a trip around the world?

I can't believe Julie sent you. She is soon gonna be dead.

Come on. Get in.

Wasn't that sent in for prints?

No. The cop lied to me.

I don't wanna talk about it. - Just asking.

Yes. Apparently they found a blouse in her bag.

I don't know, Carlos. At some point

older people start to get confused.

She probably thought she paid for it.

No, no charges. Everything's fine.

Ok. I'll tell her. Bye.

Carlos is gonna be late for dinner. It's just the two of us.

What would you like to eat? - I'm not hungry.

Ok. Suit yourself.

Don't go yet. I need to talk to you.

It's important. Please.

I married Diego Solis when I was 16 years old.

A few months into our marriage, he started to beat me.

I was so young as to but I didn't know what to do.

Juanita, I had no idea.

It got so bad that I started praying to god to let me die.

But god, in his infinite wisdom, gave me a reason to live.

Carlos.

Ah, he was a beautiful baby.

But my husband wasn't much of a father.

He never held him. He would yell and

scream at him for no reason at all.

One night, when Carlos was four,

Diego Solis came home drunk.

And he beat my Carlos.

Something inside me snapped.

At that moment, I found a way to be strong.

So I made sure that Diego Solis

never hurt my son or me ever again.

What did you do?

Well, if you pray hard enough,

God gives you the tools to your salvation.

Carlos said that his father left for a waitress in El Paso.

Mm-hm. That's what he was told.

All mothers know they have to protect their children.

But some of us take our job more seriously than others.

I don't know why you're telling me this.

I think you do.

Ok. I know you're mad at me.

I'm sorry I didn't stop you from going out with that guy.

I'm not mad at you. I mean I'm not just mad at you.

I'm mostly mad at myself.

Ok. - I'm mad that I like you so much

without knowing anything about you.

Oh. What do you want to know?

What's your favorite food? - Mexican.

What's your favorite sport? - Football.

Favorite band? - Elvis Costello.

That's a guy, not a band.

It's a guy with a band.

What do you think of me?

I'm sorry, could you repeat that?

I don't want to talk about it. - This is insane!

Do you even care about me? - Do not talk that way!

Mrs. Van de Kamp. - Hi, Zach.

I wanted to see if everything was all right.

Everything's fine. - Are you sure?

Yes.

Well, ok. I'll see you tomorrow then.

I'm sure that you will.

People by their very nature are always

on the lookout for intruders...

Trying to prevent those on the outside from getting in.

But there will always be those who

force their way into our lives,

just as there will be those we invite in.

But the most troubling of all

will be the ones who stand on the outside looking in.

The ones we never truly get to know.

DH SE01 E06

I know why my mom killed herself.

Secrets were revealed.

This is being really weird. I think we should go to the police.

Relationships got complicated.

Mama Solis. What are you doing here?

You think she's cheating on you? - I think so.

I will take care of it

We got a call, something about a break-in.

I thought I've seen a lot on the job

but this is something else.

And the mystery... - Zach, why did you do this?

I don't know. - Depened.

Zach.

Suburbia is a battle ground,

an arena for all forms of domestic combat.

Husbands clash with wives,

parents cross swords with children.

But the bloodiest battles often involve women

and their mothers-in-law.

The war for control of Carlos began the night he proposed,

and Gabrielle had been losing ground to Juanita ever since.

From the prenuptial agrement which she reluctantly signed...

to the selection of wedding music she despised...

to the color of the house paint she hadn't wanted,

Gabrielle had suffered one defeat after another.

And now that Juanita suspected her

daughter-in-law of having an affair,

it had become increasingly apparent, in this war

Mrs. Solis, I'll be at the market.

No prisoners would be taken.

Thank you, Yao Lin.

I don't see why you have her.

It's a big house. I need help.

It's only called help

when you do some of the work yourself.

I supervise.

You pay her $300 a week.

That's $15,000 a year.

Carlos, you always say you're not

putting away enough for retirement.

Baby, it would be a good idea to cut back on expenses.

You want me to take care of this place alone?

Other women manage.

That's nice.

You like that? - Oh, yeah.

God, I'm gonna miss this, Carlos.

What do you mean?

Well, since I'm gonna have to be doing the cooking

and the cleaning and all the shopping like the other wives,

I'm gonna be exhausted at night,

just like all the other wives.

Till I build up my stamina, of course.

And that might take a couple of years.

Sadly for Juanita,

she had ignored the first rule of war...

Good morning, Carlos. - The maid stays.

Never underestimate your enemy.

Of the many suburban rituals,

none is quite so cherished as the neighborhood yard sale.

The shoppers come to sift through

the discarded belongings of someone they don't really know,

in hopes of finding bargains they don't really need,

each so determined to save a few pennies

They often miss hidden treasures.

Hey, Paul. - Hi, Susan.

I was a little surprised to see Mary Alice's award for sale.

She got it for doing charity work from the Chamber of Commerce.

Zach and I are moving.

We don't need to carry any more than is necessary.

That makes sense.

I just wanted to make sure you didn't want it for Zach.

Something to remember his mother by.

Zach doesn't need a piece of glass to remember his mother.

I'm out of newspaper. Here.

Let's call it ten bucks for everything.

Great. Speaking of Zach... I haven't seen him around lately.

He's been a bit depressed.

I thought he could use a change of scenery,

so I sent him to stay with relatives.

Oh. Which ones? - You don't know them.

How did you get the fat lip? - The usual way

asking too many questions.

Did you find out where Zach is? - No.

But I can tell this much you he's not staying with relatives.

She's driven me crazy, mama.

It could be any one of these guys she's having an affair with.

Don't worry about it. I'm not letting her out of my sight.

Who the hell is that?

Look the way she is touching him.

Do you think that's the guy she's having an affair with?

Carlos, don't be stupid with that.

A guy she talks to in public

isn't someone you're gonna worry about.

So it's someone that she doesn't talk to.

What I have to do, beat up every guy in town?

Marriage takes work.

I'm not surprise that he's playing it close to the vest.

Paul knows we're onto him.

Zach said Mary Alice killed herself

because of something he'd done. Something bad.

Is there anyone else who'd know what he was talking about?

No. That's why we have to find him.

It's the only way we'll know the truth.

It just doesn't make any sense. Zach is such a sweet kid.

I can't imagine him doing anything that terrible.

He did break into your house.

I mean the kid's obviously troubled in some way.

Severe depression, borderline personality disorder.

Zach is a deeply troubled young man. - I'm aware of that.

What are you giving him?

Antidepressants and a mood stabilizer.

Good.

I'm also recommending extensive psychotherapy

to help unearth any repressed memory.

I don't think so.

Mr. Young, I can't just medicate him indefinitely.

Forget the Freud and stick with the drugs.

No new treatments without my permission.

Great version of little red riding hood.

It is your involvement

that makes the plays here at Barcliff Academy so special.

Thank you.

I would like to turn over the next part of our meeting

to our parent coordinator, the amazing Maisy Gibbons.

Thank you, Miss Truesdale. Now before everyone leaves,

we have new copies of the script up here.

Tilda and Frances and I went to the rehearsal yesterday,

and we were a little troubled by the ending.

Killing the wolf. It sends the wrong message to our kids.

We believe that animals should only

be euthanized as a last resort.

Do you find something amusing?

I'm sorry. I thought you were kidding.

No. - Oh. Ok.

In our version, the wolf is aggressive

because he has a thorn in his paw,

and the woodsman will take out the

thorn and send Mr. Wolf on his way.

I'm sorry. Aren't we doing little red riding hood?

Yes. - So then you are aware that the wolf is a bad guy.

He eats little red's grandma.

If you let him go, he's gonna chow

down on other defenseless old ladies.

I'm sorry. And you are?

I'm Lynette Scavo.

My twins just joined. They're playing oak trees.

Oh, of course. Lynette.

Let's see. You are signed up to

take tickets the night of the show, is that right?

Yeah. - Well, with all due respect,

let's leave the creative suggestions

to the mothers who have assumed the heavy lifting. Shall we?

Sure. Whatever.

I must say I'm jealous of how

much time you two spend together.

My mother-in-law would never want

to hang out with me all day.

She sounds nice.

Hey there, you two.

Hi, John.

Mrs. Solis.

I wasn't aware you two were friends.

We go to the same school. - Of course you do.

Mama, if you need anything.

We'll be upstairs in my room studying.

Have fun.

Doesn't it make you nervous?

A boy alone upstairs with Danielle?

Oh, no. I don't worry about John.

Both he and Danielle are in the abstinence club.

Coffee's a little hot.

Susan was infuriated by Paul's evasive answers.

She was convinced he was deliberately hiding Zach

and hiding the truth.

She hoped that finding one would lead to the other.

To succeed, Susan would have to be evasive herself.

Susan. Long time no see. - Mrs. Greenberg.

Do you remember those two eggs

I let you borrow last Christmas?

I need those back. - Gosh, honey, I'm fresh out.

But if you want, I could run to the store.

Oh, forget about it. It's not that important.

But since I'm here, do you still have

that old hatchback sitting in your garage?

Can I borrow it tomorrow? - You want to borrow my car?

Just for a couple of hours.

I'm not sure. Do you know how to drive a stick?

Yes, I think so. I learned in college.

It's like riding a bike, right?

I'm not sure, dear.

It's no big deal. It's just for a couple of hours.

I let you borrow my eggs for a whole year.

Fist off, I'm very pleased with the work we've

done in our sessions thus far.

We're making excellent progress.

Thank you. I feel good about it.

But there are a few areas of your

marriage we haven't covered yet.

Oh, really? Like what?

I've told Dr. Goldfine in our private sessions

that I'm not happy with our sex life.

And Rex feels that when the two of you have intercourse,

you're not as connected as you could be.

Connected? - Yeah.

Like you're thinking about other things.

Is your hair getting messed up?

Did you buy the toothpaste? You're just not there.

This kind of disconnect is often

a symptom of a deeper problem.

So we were talking and the idea

of a sexual surrogate came up.

This is a licensed professional

who'd work with you as a couple

on solving whatever sexual problems you may be having.

I have an excellent referral.

And what would this sexual surrogate person do?

She would coach us. - She?

She's very discreet. You'll hardly notice she's there.

Oh. So she would be in the room with us

while we make love?

Yes. Helping us to achieve maximum sexual potential.

Do you have any questions? - Just one.

How much longer is your mid-life crisis going to last?

Because it is really starting to tick me off.

Right. Everyone's down for a nap.

We've got no more than an hour. Let's get cracking.

Five-card draw. Nothing wild.

How is it going with mike, Susan?

It's going, finally.

We have a first official date next week.

I think he's taking me to see a play or something.

Might I suggest the Barcliff Academy

production of little red riding hood?

Oh, that's right. The twins' stage debut.

Are they having fun?

Sure. They play oak trees.

I have to deal with the drama behind the scenes.

Oh, I take it you've met Maisy Gibbons?

She's a total nightmare.

I guess I shouldn't have challenged her. - Oh, dear.

Because now no one on the play committee wants to talk to me.

Maisy does love to rule her little kingdom.

Hasn't changed since girl scouts.

Girls smile at you to your face

and then behind your back, make fun of you 'cause

you're the only one not shaving your legs yet.

That wouldn't happen in boy scouts.

When I worked with men,

I preferred the way they fought.

A guy takes his opponent on face-to-face,

and once he's won, he's top dog.

It's primitive but it's fair.

And a lot less sneaky.

Isn't it sexist of us to generalize like this?

It's science, Gabrielle.

Sociologists have documented this stuff.

Well, who am I to argue with sociologists?

Wow, this guacamole has got a kick.

I'm gonna run to the little girl's room.

You go ahead. I might be a while.

I hate playing three-handed poker. Let's take a break.

I'll play. - You play poker?

I used to play with my grandfather. - Pull up a chair.

You're just playing for chips?

My grandfather used to say

it's always more fun to play for money.

Why not? 50 cents a bet? - Make it a buck.

Three raise limit, $20 buy-in.

Mrs. Solis! What are you doing?

Why haven't you returned my calls?

I've been busy. - I've seen who you've been busy with.

Danielle? Come on. She's just a friend.

Before you get any friendlier, let me remind you,

I can do things to you she can't even pronounce.

A lot of good it does me with your

mother-in-law following you around all the time.

Maybe we should just cool it for a while.

No, John, please don't say that.

I have everything under control.

Now give me a boost.

Hey. So what did I miss?

Not much. Just a few friendly hands of poker with the girls.

I'm sorry I'm late.

As I'm sure you've all heard,

Celia Bond broke her wrist playing tennis.

Which means we are now in desperate need

of someone to do the costumes.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Are there any volunteers?

I'll do it.

Really? That's a --Do you know how to sew?

Absolutely.

Well, great. Thank you, Lynette.

Ok. So now that I'm going to do some "heavy lifting",

I believe I have the right to talk

about the changes made to the script?

Ladies.

We grew up with little red riding hood,

and survived it, scary stuff and all.

So I say to hell with political correctness.

Let our kids experience this classic

like it was meant to be enjoyed.

Let's kill the damn wolf and just

put on the best show we can.

Thank you, Lynette, for that impassioned speech.

But I believe that ship has sailed. - No! It hasn't.

We still have time to change the ending back.

And you know, Maisy, it is just a fairy tale.

I don't think it will upset the children.

I think you're wrong.

That's what's so great about democracy.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

Also, everyone has a right to vote.

So all in favor of the woodsman going

medieval on the big bad wolf's ass.

Dr. Goldfine.

Bree. - You're dining alone?

Actually, I am. - What a coincidence. So am I.

Seems a shame for us to eat by ourselves.

Shall I pull up a chair?

Bree, it's nothing personal,

but I never socialize with clients.

Oh, I get it. I'm so sorry. Of course. It's inappropriate.

It's just that after what happened yesterday

there's so much I need to say because...

I suppose it can wait.

No, Lynette, I'm sorry. Juanita's taking a bath.

How much did she win from you?

Jeez!

Yeah, I guess she'll take a check.

Ok. All right. Bye.

What was that about?

Turns out your mother is quite the card shark.

You let her play cards? How long did she play?

Not that long. Why?

Carlos, what is it?

I never told you this, but my mother

had a serious gambling problem.

Was this before we were married?

Yeah. It was bad.

She went into debt. Dipped into her savings,

started hocking jewelry.

Honey, it was only a small neighborhood game.

It doesn't take much for her to fall off the wagon.

I know she seems like a very strong woman but...

She has a major weakness.

Honey... Oh... It's ok.

You were right to tell me this.

And you understand I have to treat this as a session.

Of course. That's fine.

Shall I include the meal?

Oh, no. We'll split that.

Ok.

So let's talk about yesterday.

Do you think there might have

been some truth in what Rex said?

No, I don't.

Bree, you know. It's not uncommon for people experiencing

sexual repression to distance themselves during the act.

Is that how you see me?

As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish?

I love sex. - All right.

I love everything about it. The sensations. The smells.

I especially love the feel of a man.

All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body.

And then when you add friction!

The tactile sensation of running my tongue

over a man's nipple ever so gently.

And then there's the act itself. Two bodies becoming one,

and that final eruption of pleasure.

To be honest. The only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum.

Obviously it has its practical applications,

but I'm not a fan.

Can I get you something?

Uh... Just the check, please.

Sir, you haven't ordered yet.

We're not shopping?

Oh, I thought we stop you for lunch first.

This place has the best buffet in town.

All-you-can-eat crab legs.

Oh, no! - What's wrong? Let's go.

Oh, I didn't realize how late it was.

They are only holding the suit minute for me until two.

If we stay I'll never make it.

We'll just have lunch at the mall.

Wait. Uh... I'm really in the mood for crab legs.

Why don't you just drop me off and you can come back.

Well, if the mall is crowded it might take over an hour.

It's a buffet. There's no rush.

Hi, John. Motel. Ten minutes. Be there.

All right. Off you go. Thanks.

Lynette, I couldn't help notice

you forgot the coonskin on that hunter's coonskin cap.

Yeah. That was a creative call.

Look, I'm in the middle of a costumes crisis.

If I don't take shortcuts I'll never finish.

Jordana Geist manages to get her work done.

She runs the concessions, paints the sets,

and still has time to take care of her three kids and a husband.

Now, we can't have the students suffer

just because you don't understand

the concept of time management.

I hardly think the kids are gonna suffer

without a clump of fur on their heads.

Ok. I'll make a creative call. We'll cut the oak trees.

That forest is looking a little dense anyway.

My boys are the oak trees. - Are they?

Well, I wouldn't worry.

We'll find something for them to do backstage.

That's where the real action is.

I'll finish the costumes. - Well. Crisis averted.

You have lost your mind. - I checked up on Silvercrest place.

It's a treatment center for troubled kids.

Who is gonna notice. One more,

I create the distraction, you blend in and find Zach.

How could I blend in with messed-up teenagers?

I don't know, Julie.

You pretend to be bulimic. Gag a little.

Come on. Work with me here.

Mama, when this is over,

we need to talk about your parenting skills.

Ok, fine. You don't want to help me,

I'm not gonna force you.

It's not that I don't want to. It's just...

Why does this mean so much to you?

Because Mary Alice was a wonderful person.

And now all anybody thinks about her is that

she went off the deep end and did this terrible, selfish thing.

And I think there's more to it than that.

she was my friend, Julie,

and I owe it to her to find out the truth.

Juanita, what's wrong?

Juanita?

I didn't go to the buffet. I went gambling instead and I lost.

How much did you have on you? It couldn't have been much.

I used Carlos' credit card.

Ok. How much did you charge?

I don't know. It stopped working.

What do you mean it stopped working?

This thing has like a $15,000 credit limit.

The man at the desk said there were no vacant rooms.

Mind if I bunk with you?

Bree, what are you doing here?

It's a little chilly out here.

Do you mind if we discuss this inside?

Come on in.

Sure is nice and toasty in here.

You look amazing. - Thanks.

I was hoping you'd notice.

Well, it certainly isn't the Ritz,

but it has all the essentials.

I don't know what to say.

The perhaps you should say nothing.

Rex? Baby...

I just need a minute. - What?

Sweetie, just leave it, will you? Just leave it.

Ok, baby. Where were we?

I told you to leave it.

I'm sorry. I just...

Oh, come on. Are you gonna make a big deal about this?

You know? To tell you the truth.

Now is not really a good time for me.

It's obvious you've never had to remove a cheese stain.

Bree, I totally understand. Yeah, I already tried Susan.

And Gaby can't sew. Seriously, I'm gonna be fine.

Yeah. Ow! Thanks anyway. Bye-bye.

Well, I'm a little ahead with my painting.

If you need some help.

Oh, Jordana, you are a life-saver. Thank you.

Here. These pieces need trim.

I'll help for as long as I can,

but I have a lot on my plate tonight.

I have to make 25 mini Quiches for my book club.

You're not a human, are you?

You were sent by aliens to make humans race feel inadequate.

Seriously, how do you cram it all in?

Can you keep a secret? - Um... Sure.

That's ADD medication.

Oh, my kids take this or they almost did.

I thought it was supposed to calmed you down.

Has the opposite effect if you don't have ADD.

Ever chug a pot of Turkish coffee?

Seriously? You're taking your kids' medication?

Once in a while. Do you want a couple?

Oh, that's very kind of you but I just

smoked some crack a little while ago. So.

I'd better not mix.

This is what we will do. I'll sell some old jewelry.

Pay off the credit card, and Carlos will never find out.

You would do that for me?

Of course I would. Why wouldn't I?

For starters, you hate me.

Oh, that is overstating it... a little.

The bottom line is, no matter how much I dislike you,

I love Carlos more.

If Carlos finds out the money, he'll be devastated.

I don't wanna see him hurt.

You don't have to believe I'm a good person,

but at least believe I care about my husband.

Fine. To heck with it.

I'm not gonna risk my neck to protect you.

I'm calling Carlos.

Juanita might have ben the gambler of the family...

Wait. I believe you.

...but Gabrielle was

the one who knew how to bluff.

Hi. I'm Susan Mayer.

I have an appointment to see Dr. Sicher.

Yes, he's expecting you. Let me get him for you.

Hi. I'm Dr. Sicher. - Susan Mayer.

So you're doing research for a children's book?

I sure am.

Zach?

Oh. Hi, Julie.

What's wrong with you?

Just all the pills they make me take.

They kinda make me sleepy.

What are you doing here?

I came to see how you were.

And to ask you something.

Look, I don't have much time.

What is it?

Last week you told Mrs. Van de Kamp

your mom killed herself

because of something you did, something bad.

What were you talking about?

After my mom died, I started remembering

things that happened when I was little.

What happened to Dana. - Dana? Who's Dana?

What are you doing here?

I was just visiting my friend.

This patient is not allowed visitors.

I guess I have to go.

I am so sorry, Zach.

I don't want to disturb you.

I just left some important papers here.

What are you doing?

I'm repairing a chipped mug.

Why don't you just buy a new one?

Because I think it's better to fix what you already have.

Listen. Um...

About what happened today.

You humiliated me, Rex.

For no good reason.

I'm sorry. - I was there. I was willing.

Normal men don't say no to that.

You... You upset me.

See, I don't think that's the reason.

After I left the motel,

I did some thinking about us and our sex life.

I realized there has been a disconnect.

But it's coming from you. - That's ridiculous.

how many years we've been making love

and you've started to ask me something

but then you stopped.

I... I don't know what you are talking about?

You are unhappy with our sex life

because you're not getting something from me

but you're simplely too afraid to ask.

My problem with our sex life is that you can't stop

thinking about the housework.

Well, if that's the case,

then take me right here, right now.

The house is spotless.

There are no burritos around to pull my focus.

I'm not in the mood. - Why not?

We haven't had sex for months, Rex.

Most normal, red-blooded men

would be climbing the walls by now.

Please don't do this.

Rex, whatever you want.

I will go there with you. You just have to say it out loud.

Tell me. What do you want? What do you need?

I need for you to stop talking like this.

Why? - Because you sound like a whore.

No, I sound like a woman

whose husband won't touch her.

Rex, after Mary Alice killed herself,

it all hit me.

We all have our secrets.

I think it's time for you to tell me yours.

I'm going.

That night, while most of Wisteria Lane

dreamt the night away,

Lynette was in the middle of her own personal nightmare.

Determined her boys would not miss their fairy-tale debut,

Lynette had stayed up 18 hours straight, sewing.

But she began to fear her story

would not have a happy ending.

Luckily for Lynette, she had a magic potion handy.

And once she had taken it...

The magic kept working...

And working...

And working.

It wasn't until noon that Lynette finally took a break,

and the reality of what she had done began to sink in.

My. What big eyes you have.

I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?

I'm fine, thank you.

So what's been going on with her?

Have you found anything out yet?

Actually, Carlos, the more I watch her, the more

I think she's probably not stepping out on you.

Really?

Yeah. She's not perfect, Lord knows.

But she loves you. I can tell.

Mama. You don't know what a relief it is to hear that.

You know, it's funny. I really think she loves you, too.

Oh?

I got concerned when I heard you

played poker with her friends.

So I told her about your little problem.

You told her about my gambling problem?

Don't be mad, Mama. I just didn't want

you slipping into old habits.

And Gabrielle was very concerned about you. - She knew?

I don't get it. You and Zach never went

to school with anybody named Dana.

He didn't say it was somebody we went to school with.

Did it sound like a relative?

He said Dana. It sounded like "Dana".

Unless he was using a code,

that's all I got.

Ok, give me a break here. I'm just grasping at straws.

I'm sorry. I'm worried about Zach.

It's really creepy in there.

Can't we get him out?

Honey, that's up to his father.

Then I want to visit again.

That's not a good idea either.

Why?

I just have a feeling.

Juanita was now more convinced than ever

that her treacherous daughter-in-law was having an affair.

But the question remained, with whom?

And suddenly...

Juanita remembered

it wasn't the men Gabrielle talked to

that she had to worry about.

Hey, Jordana, Maisy.

Here are the costumes. Right on time.

Thank you, Lynette.

This is a bit awkward.

There has been an oversight with the programs.

Celia Bond is still credited with costumes.

They forgot to tell the printer.

Incidentally, who is "they",

as in, "they forgot to tell the printer"?

That would be me. I'm sorry.

But I was so overworked this week with

all the script changes you demanded.

Uh-huh. Well, these things happen.

Be right back.

Would you do something with this?

It looks like road kill.

Ok, lady, that's it.

I beg your pardon?

We have kids the same age.

Which means there're years ahead of us

having to deal with each other.

So instead of playing petty games,

why don't we put an end to this right now?

What are you saying? - Let's take it outside.

Let's take what outside?

Your sorry ass. We're throwin' down.

You are crazy. - Just being practical.

Isn't it better to settle this once in fraw

rather than endure all this Alpha-Mom crap

until our kids graduate?

Come on. I'll even let you take the first shot.

I don't have time for this.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

And just so you know, next spring,

when we do Bambi,

his mother's gonna take a slug to the heart

and you're gonna like it.

The search for power begins when we're quite young.

As children, we're taught that the power

of good triumphs over the power of evil.

But as we get older,

we realize that nothing is ever that simple.

Traces of evil always remain.

DH SE01 E07

Previously on Desperate Housewives

Exactly what is it that you hired me to do?

Someone sent that note to my wife.

I need to know who.

Some secrets were discovered.

After mom died,

I started remembering what happened to Dana.

Who's Dana?

What are you doing here?

Some secrets were uncovered.

It could be anyone of these guys she's having an affair with.

Don't worry. I'm not letting her out of my sight.

And some secrets...

Jordana Geist managed to get her work done.

How do you cram it all in?

...were shared.

That's ADD medication.

Competition. It means different things to different people.

In suburbia, it means keeping up with the Joneses.

On Wisteria Lane, that means

keeping up with Bree Van de Kamp.

Everyone knew Bree had the nicest lawn in the neighborhood.

And no one begrudged her this.

No one, that is, except Martha Huber,

whose own lawn paled in comparison.

No matter how carefully she trimmed,

or how lovingly she watered...

or how generously she fertilized,

the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence.

Hello, Victor. How are you today?

Out jogging again? - I can't... catch my breath.

Would you like a slurp from my hose?

Victor?

Victor?

Don't worry. I'm gonna get an ambulance.

Then one day, Mrs. Huber finally got

the chance to mow down the competition.

Help! Somebody help!

What happened?

He collapsed on your hydrangeas. Call 911!

Yes, Mrs. Huber understood the first rule of competition

In order to win, you have to want it more.

Desperate Housewives S01E07

When I was alive,

my friends and I came together once a month

for a meeting of the Wisteria Lane book club.

We found the problems of literary characters so absorbing.

The way they dealt with adversity,

conducted illicit affairs,

endured domestic dramas,

and planned romantic conquests.

But since my death,

my friends had lost their interest in fiction.

So, what did everybody think?

Their own problems had become absorbing enough.

I thought the character of Madame Bovary

was very inspirational.

Inspirational? She poisons herself with arsenic.

Really? - You didn't read until the end?

I stopped after page 50.

Am I the only one who read the book?

I saw the movie. It was really good.

Ladies, I'm sorry,

but what is the point of having a book club

if we don't read the book?

More wine?

Sue, Reba, Emma and Lori,

would you girls come and help me with the snacks?

Sure.

I will be right in.

God, I couldn't wait to get rid of them!

Ok, so Lynette said that you found Zach.

He's at a rehabilitation center.

Julie snuck in and actually talked to him.

Did he say anything about his mother's suicide?

There wasn't enough time.

But he did say one thing that was kind of mysterious.

He said something happened to someone named Dana

And that he could never ever talk about it.

Who the hell is Dana? - That's the mystery part.

I figure Dana has something to do with

what Mary Alice was trying to hide.

So somebody found out Mary Alice's secret...

And sent the note. - So who the hell is that?

Stationery is Parcher no.17. 100% cotton.

It's made by Cyprus Office products.

They have stores in 12 cities,

including yours.

We traced that postmark back to your local post office.

Meaning?

Meaning is that the blackmailer's probably someone you know.

A neighbor, milkman,

pool boy, soccer mom.

Soccer mom?

Mr. Young, sometimes evil drives a minivan.

I had this gig once,

checking on this PTA mom

who was hell-bent on landing her daughter

a spot on the parade float.

She fed antifreeze to half the homecoming committee.

Did you catch her? - Mr. Young...

The people who hired me didn't hire me to catch her.

Wow, honey! This place is spotless.

Thanks.

So Listen, I have come up with this

killer idea for the spotless scrub campaign.

Great. Want to run it by me?

No. I'm good.

But thanks. - Oh. Ok.

Well that's the thing... you know how whenever I pitch

Hennessey always tears my ideas down in front of the partners?

Yeah?

I invited the partners and their wives over

so I could pitch to them here.

I thought we could make a formal dinner for six...

We can sit, we can...

When exactly would this formal dinner take place?

Ah, the day after tomorrow. - Tom!

I know it's short notice. - You think?

How am I supposed to pull off a formal dinner with no warning?

I don't know.

Bree Van de Kamp does this kind of thing all the time.

What did you say?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that.

You know what. Forget it. I'll call and cancel.

Just don't worry about it.

No. No, let's do it.

Really?

Yeah. It's good for your career.

I'll pull it off.

Yes! Honey, thank you so much.

You know what. I promise, I land this account

and I am gonna buy you something awful pretty.

Luckily for Tom, Lynette had a recipe for success.

Unfortunately for her, she was missing the secret ingredient.

Yeah. - It's me.

Don't turn around! My mother-in-law can see you.

I hate that she's watching us.

So meet me at the motel in an hour.

John? - Uh... I've got plans.

So cancel.

They're with Danielle. We're going to the movies.

That sounds like a date. - Yeah.

Well, I have a problem with you seeing other girls.

I have a problem with you having a husband.

I guess we both have to learn to deal.

Don't even try to make it up to me by talking dirty.

Hello?

Mr. and Mrs. Van de Kamp.

So, your son decided to

entertain some of his friends yesterday

by shoving a freshman's head into a locker.

This was the Johnson boy?

Yes. He broke the boy's nose.

Because of our no tolerance policy,

your son may face expulsion.

You're gonna ruin his future over roughhousing?

Rex, this was practically assault.

Mrs. Stark, what Andrew did was clearly wrong.

But in his defence, his mother and I are going

through severe marital problems.

Is that relevant?

Our marriage is disintegrating.

Of course Andrew is acting out. He has every right to be angry.

If he's angry about you moving out the house,

perhaps he should shove your head into a locker.

All I'm saying is we need to take some of the responsibility here.

So does Andrew. Blaming his actions on our problems,

which are not serious, does not help him.

Our problems are serious.

Mrs. Stark, you handle this however you see fit.

Bree, I've gone to an attorney.

You're gonna be served with divorce papers later today.

You went to an attorney? - Yeah.

And a good one, too.

He'd better be, 'cause when I'm finished with you,

you won't have a cent to your name.

Bring it on.

Perhaps detention is the way to go.

Mom, you're getting too dressed up.

I know, but I wanna look really sexy.

I told my guys perheps you have to go home by 11

Hm. How about midnight?

All right, but no later.

You know how I worry. So, you got protection?

Oh, my god! We are so not having this conversation.

We are, because I enjoy being an only child.

Are you finished? - Almost.

You know I always assumed I'd have sex for the first time

before you had it again.

Ok, you can leave now.

What do you think? Trying too hard?

What do you know?

It's 80 degrees outside and you're wearing fur.

Hi, Mike.

Hey, Edie.

Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty!

I hardly recognize you. - Oh, this?

Well, I have a date. Right now. With Mike.

We kissed, F.Y.I.

Oh, love that jacket. Good choice.

Um, Susan, I am really sorry, but I've got to cancel.

I have an unexpected house guest.

Coming through. Ooh, sorry. Hi. I'm Kendra.

Susan.

I'm going to run to the car and get my stuff.

I know how this looks,

but there's nothing between us.

Kendra's just an old friend. - Old friend.

Yeah, you know...

Yeah, yeah... No, actually, no, I don't know.

By old friend you mean college pal?

Bowling buddy?

Saved you from drowning?

It's hard to explain. - Could you give it a shot?

Mike, I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower.

Look, I promise I'll make this up to you.

And... You look amazing. - Mike! where are the towels?

Thanks.

Hey. How was your big date?

Mike had to reschedule.

Oh. Because of the hot girl?

With the suitcase? Over there?

Gosh, how devastating for you... F.Y.I.

I just want to move this place fast.

I'll do whatever we have to do.

That's good to know.

You do realize that you'll have to disclose the fact that

your wife killed herself in the house.

I am? - Oh, yeah. Legal crap.

People get really freaked out by suicides.

You can't blame them.

Hell. I get the willies just standing here.

Is there any way to get around it? - Off the record?

You could say that she shot herself in the living room

and then crawled out back to die.

I'm just saying.

Oh, I gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow.

Edie, wait!

Paul had always known

Edie britt was capable of doing anything to close a deal.

But now he realized she was capable of so much more.

Hey, Danielle. - Hey, Mrs. Solis.

Oh, Danielle,

remember when you said you wanted to be a model?

You remember? That was last summer.

Well, as it turns out, Perchik Modeling Academy

has an opening for their summer program.

Would you like me to sponsor you?

Oh my god. That's one of the best schools in the country.

You would do that for me? - I sure would.

I would so love to go to New York.

Oh, and I would so love to help you get there.

Hey, Jordana. - Hey, Lynette. How are you?

You look a little tired. Is everything ok?

I'm getting ready for a dinner party tomorrow. Six people.

Sounds fun. - Big fun.

You wouldn't have any of your kids'

ADD medication you could spare,

just to get me over the hump?

Tina! Don't push your sister.

Gosh, Lynette... I'm really running low.

I need all my energy I can get.

My sister Elaine and her kids

are flying into town for a week.

That's exciting. I wish my sister would visit more often.

Yeah, sisters are great.

Three or four pills. I'm hitting the wall.

Yeah, the calm down can be a real bitch. I wish I could help.

I'm not gonna forget about this, Jordana.

What's that supposed to mean?

Come girl scout cookie time, don't bring around little Tina

Because we won't be home.

What's all this about?

You know your mother and I have been unhappy for a while.

After a lot of soul-searching,

we've decided that it would be better if we got divorced.

But whatever problems your father and I may have,

it doesn't change the fact that we love you very, very much.

I've got a question. - Go ahead. Ask whatever you want.

Can I live with dad?

Come on, mom, let's face it.

We drive each other crazy.

Danielle, is that what you'd prefer?

Danielle? To live with your father?

I don't really care, as long as I have my own bathroom.

Um... All this, um... wine is,

uh... giving me a... headache.

Six weeks in the suburban jungle, and this is all you got?

There are over 300 families in this subdivision.

It'll take time to check them all out.

Dad said last time he saw you, you were ready to quit.

Now I changed my mind.

This is a gigantic waste of your time and my father's money.

Are you afraid he'll spend your inheritance?

That's not funny.

Mike, here's the thing. - What?

Dad can't chase ghosts alone.

If you stop, he'll have to accept it's over.

Let me have my father back.

If I quit he'll just hire somebody else.

Not if you tell him there's nothing here to find.

I can't do that.

What happens when your girlfriend finds out

you're not just the sweet, neighborly plumber?

You're lying to her, Mike.

Oh, here it is.

Great. This'll keep the crab dip warm.

It took forever to shell the little buggers,

But it'll be worth it.

You shelled your own crabs?

Okay, I don't want to butt in.

Are you doing too much? Cause you look exhausted.

I'm fine. I just need some coffee. Thank you.

Oh, my god! Look at this embroidery!

"Dana." Where did this come from?

Paul Young's garage sale.

Dana.

Dana was a baby.

Surprise.

No way! - It's all yours. Here are the keys.

Rex, what's this about?

I went and splurged a little.

Oh, Danielle, here's your present.

Luggage? - Yeah.

It's to take with you to the Perchik Modeling Academy.

I'm footing the bill.

You mean I can go to New York? - Wait a minute.

What's this about a modeling academy?

It's my new career. Mrs. Solis is sponsoring me.

When were you planning on telling me?

She told me, I think it's a great idea.

Don't you two see what he's doing?

He's trying to buy your love.

For god's sake. Don't be paranoid.

A car? A modeling academy?

You should have discussed these gifts with me first.

I'm sorry, kids. But we cannot accept them.

You can't let her do this.

Bree, we just told the kids we're getting divorced.

Isn't it time to spoil them a little? - I said no.

You know what? They're my kids too,

and I can give them anything I want.

There you go.

Thank you, daddy. - Yes.

Did you offer to help Danielle get into modeling school?

What? Uh... Yes... No.

Um... is that how she heard it?

Yes. Gabrielle, did you or did you not offer to sponsor her?

I just wanted to help out.

It's in New York! For god sakes

Why would you suggest that?

It's her dream. Don't you want her to be happy?

No. And in the future I would appreciate you keeping

your ridiculous ideas to yourself.

Bree!

John.

John!

You're so jealous of Danielle.

You tried to ship her off to New York?

I'm not jealous. I just don't like to share.

Well, you know what? I quit.

The yard. Us. Everything.

Oh, don't be that way.

What's the point, if we can never be together?

You know, an hour here, an hour there.

I don't want us to end on a bad note.

Carlos has this black tie thing tonight and I could slip out...

Mrs. Solis! - John, please.

What we had was so special.

I think it deserves a proper goodbye.

We'd, um... we'd still be over, though.

Of course.

I knew this play day was a good idea.

Oh, yeah. Thank you for suggesting it.

Your boys are the only ones I know who could tire out Timmy.

Yep, he's a feisty one.

Word on the street is, um, you've been medicating Timmy?

Oh, yeah. For his ADD.

The pills have been a godsend. - I bet.

Can I use your bathroom?

As Lynette swallowed the stolen

medication of an eight-year-old child.

She vowed she'd never again sink to such depths

any time soon.

Looks like you've got your blackmailer.

Is it time to bring in the police?

That's not really an option for me.

Before my wife shot herself,

we lived a life that I was proud of.

We loved each other. We had values.

We went to church. We gave to charity.

We were good people, Mr. Shaw.

Oh, I believe you.

That's why it's so incomprehensible to me that

Edie Britt would try to destroy us.

Well, you've suffered a great loss.

For your pain to heal, that's gonna take some time.

I can't wait.

I need help now.

For five grand she's hurt, ten grand she's gone.

Mom, what's going on?

Oh, I'm throwing you out.

I've separated all your things into two sides.

This side is yours, Danielle,

and the other one is Andrew's.

Ok, you've lost it. - Where are we supposed to live?

Darling, if I know.

Danielle, everything in the north quadrant

of your side is clothes and books and such.

The south side are miscellaneous items.

Mom, this isn't gonna work. I'm not giving up my car.

That's smart. Because you'll probably gonna

have to sleep in it for a while.

Mom, you can't stop us from going back inside the house.

No? That's Mr. Conlin, the locksmith.

He's been very helpful today.

Of couse I could give you the new keys

if you'd adhere to my rules,

Which include giving back your father's gifts.

Ok, fine. You win. I won't go to New York.

I'm outta here.

Oh, hello. Welcome. I'm Edie. How do you do?

An open house in the suburbs? This is beyond kitsch.

Just behavior yourself.

This is one of the houses in the street

I've had a hard time getting into.

God, I wish you would let this go.

I'm taking you out for drinks tonight.

There's this cowboy bar called Saddle Ranch, you need to see.

Why?

It's the last place anybody ever saw your sister.

Susan. What brings you here?

I just wanted to say goodbye to Mary Alice's house

before somebody else moved in.

That sounds almost plausible.

I beg your pardon? - Oh, come on.

We both know why you're here.

And the answer is yes, they are having sex. No question.

You know what you are talking about, they're just friends.

Hm. Think so?

I over heared they say they're going to the Saddle Ranch tonight,

for drinks and dancing.

Still, friends can do that.

Oh, my god, I just want to slap and shake you.

Where did you say they were going tonight?

I don't know why I let you talk me into coming here?

There is obviously nothing going on between them.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the bathroom and then I'm going home.

I don't want Mike to catch me here.

It's only been ten minutes.

She could be waiting to make her move.

Oh, come on. You're not gonna beat a girl like that

by knocking off early.

It's not a competition. - The hell it isn't.

Good night, Edie.

Suit yourself. But for the record...

I was rooting for you to land him.

And why would you root for me?

I figured it'd be easier for me

to steal Mike from you than her.

She seems like fun.

Just take some antacid. - It's not those kind of cramps.

This is a business dinner. It's important.

Relax.

You and I can go alone.

Gabrielle can stay here and get better.

Fine. See you in a couple of hours. - Ok.

Take good care of Carlos. - Oh, I always do.

Go, Edie!

Oh, god.

Mike!

What a small, small world.

Yeah, it sure is. I caught Edie hiding in the back.

No kidding. Is she here?

Yeah. Yeah, she said, "the jig is up,"

and then she went to ride the bull.

And she said you two came together. - Oh, well, yeah.

We did. I just thought she left.

Were you following me? - What?

No! No, I just came here, you know, with Edie.

We just love to ride that bull.

You? Ride the bull? - Yeah. Yeah, it's a real rush.

Come on, Susan. Give me a break.

You give me a break. I did not follow you here.

Even if I had followed you here, it's just because

you've been secretive about Kendra.

Kendra and I are friends.

And I came here to ride the bull.

Whoo! We got another one to ride the bull!

Ok, little doggie, you're up.

Oh, fine. I'm a doggie.

Oh, yeah. I'm here to ride this bull.

Check it out. Whoo!

Baby! whoo!

Andrew, you promised you'd stay with your mother

that's why I gave you the car.

Dad, she wants me out.

She put all my stuff on the front lawn.

This is ridiculous.

I'm gonna call her and smooth all this out.

You're going home. - No, dad.

Why?

Now I can live with you without feeling guilty.

We'll be perfect. It'll be like our own little bachelor pad.

What? - Son, that's not gonna happen.

Why not? - Andrew...

These last few months have been incredibly difficult for me.

There are things I've got to work out for myself

and I can't do it if you're living with me. I'm sorry.

I don't care. I'm not going back there.

I don't think you have a choice. - But, Dad...

Oh, Come on now. Don't...

Heath? Yeah, it's me.

Do you still have your fake ID?

Yeah. I've got to go home and kiss my mother's ass

and I'm not going to do it sober.

... More than I needed to know.

He was in shock. He was totally shocked.

He said, "Congressman, this was the campaign

This was not the vote. You voted already."

That's what it was. - I love that one!

Oh, the desserts look wonderful.

Lynette, Do you need any help?

I got it covered. No problem.

Ok, Scavo. You're up. Let's hear this genius idea of yours.

Ok. Uh...

Ok.

The single greatest obstacle facing Spotless Scrub

is a lack of visibility

We need to concentrate ad spending in places

where women spend the majority of their time.

For example, large chain grocery stores.

Picture spotless scrub ads on the

side of every mother's shopping cart.

Interesting. - Oh, You know what'd be even better?

Dry-cleaning bags. - What?

No, Really. Hear me out.

Put a big Spotless Scrub ad

between a woman and her cashmere sweater.

I gurantee you'll get her attention.

Honey. That's great. I'm I'm in the middle of a thing here.

She's got a point. I would notice that.

And those dry-cleaning bags hang in our closets forever.

So it is like constant advertising. - Exactly!

You know, maybe that's the way we can work that in, but...

No, this is kind of a fantastic idea.

We go nationwide with this?

Why not? Start by targeting the top chain.

Then branch out from there.

Boom, boom, boom. Mass saturation.

And you know what else would be a great idea?

While Lynette was commanding everyone's attention...

Susan was trying to remain inconspicuous.

Everybody's looking at me, aren't they?

Just the slapstick fans.

Oh, god, why couldn't I have just been knocked unconscious?

Beer? - Absolutely.

Susan, this is Kendra. - We've been introduced.

No.This is Kendra. We've been friends for years.

She's only visit. She's leaving tomorrow

That's it. - It's true.

I have no designs on this man whatsoever.

I'll be right back.

Sorry about the misunderstanding. - Me, too.

So how long have you two been seeing each other?

Well, you sort of interrupted our first date.

But up until then, smoking-hot tension.

Sounds pathetic, I know.

No, it's good to take it slow.

You'd be smart to be careful.

Any particular reason? - Look...

Mike's a wonderful guy. Really.

But you should ask him why he moved to Wisteria Lane.

It's one hell of a story.

Here. Got some ice.

There you go. - Thanks.

Well, it's been fun. Thanks, guys. See you later.

Good evening. - Good evening.

Have a seat.

I could get used to this whole closure thing.

I love long goodbyes.

Wait around the corner. I'll be right back.

Smile, Gabrielle.

Well, that's it, then.

What are you doing? She had a camera.

We've got to catch her.

Mrs. Solis, your husband's going to kill us.

Come on!

Leave me alone. - Give me that camera!

I'm not kidding, old woman!

Stay away from me! Don't touch me!

No.

No, you go home. I'll take care of this.

And you were never here. Go.

Go!

Did you see that? A guy came barreling

around the corner and just hit her.

Do you have a cell phone? - Yeah.

Call 911.

What happened? - Is she breathing?

As Juanita Tetered dangerously close to the white light,

Lynette and Tom were headed into a black hole.

I was just participating.

Your participation was supposed

to be limited to making dinner,

not making my ideas look bad.

You konw. Maybe you need better ideas.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

No, we both know that your career

was going so much better than mine before we had kids.

You never let me forget that. - That is not fair.

You were always competing with me,

and judging by tonight, you konw what, still are.

Tom, I am sorry about tonight. Truly.

But these days if I'm competing with anyone

it's the Bree Van de Kamps of the world,

with their spotless kitchens and their perfect kids,

who throw fabulous parties where nothing ever goes wrong.

I try so hard to keep up but I can't.

Lynette. That's not my expectation.

And when you work on a pitch, you bring the parteners over.

I am reminded of a world I left behind,

where I was the winner and people tried to keep up with me.

I can't go back, I can't win where I am.

I am stuck in the middle

and it's really something that gets me...

Whoa! For your information,

I thought you threw an amazing dinner party tonight.

I was thrilled.

I don't know how you pulled it all together.

Yeah, well... - And whether you believe it or not,

everyone who knows you thinks that

you are a great wife and mother.

No, they don't. - Yes, they do.

Especially me.

Thanks.

What's wrong with your eyes?

Nothing. I'm tired.

Turn around. I want to look at you. - I'm fine. Really

What's going on outside?

Right there.

Oh my god. Thank god you're here.

Will you take care of Gabrielle? I have to come home for a minute.

All right.

Oh, Andrew. Thank god you're back.

I need your help, honey.

There's been an accident.

Andrew?

Mama?

Andrew!

Rex, you need to come home.

Something's happened and we need you.

Competition. It means different things to different people.

But whether it's a friendly rivalry

or a fight to the death...

Cheers.

...The end result is the same.

There will be winners...

and there will be losers.

Of course, the trick is...

to know which battles to fight.

You see, no victory comes without a price.

DH SE01 E08

Previously on Desperate Housewives

I want to move this place fast. - I'll call you tomorrow.

Edie, wait!

...Incomprehensible that Edie Britt would try to destroy us.

For five grand she's hurt, ten grand she's gone.

Some neighbors hired help.

How can I pull off a formal dinner

with no warning? - I don't know.

And some helped themselves.

I hate that she watches us.

Some just couldn't stop.

Smile, Gabrielle.

And one... didn't stop in time.

Andrew, I need your help, honey. - Mama?

There is a widely read book that

tells us everyone is a sinner.

Of course, not everyone who reads this book

feels guilt over the bad things they do.

But Bree Van de Kamp did.

In fact, Bree had spent most of her life

feeling guilty.

As a child, she felt guilty about not getting straight As.

As a tenager, she felt guilty about

letting her boyfriend go to second base.

As a newlywed, she felt guilty about

taking three weeks to get out her thank-you cards.

But she knew the transgressions of her past

were nothing compared with the sin she was about to commit.

Can't we just tell the police it was an accident?

This wasn't some simple D.U.I.

Not only was your brother drinking,

Andrew left the scene of the crime.

That makes it a hit-and-run.

Maybe I could go to Canada.

You know, till the statute of limitations is up.

You think mom and dad will foot the bill

while you go moose hunting for seven years?

If Carlos' mother dies,

there is no statute of limitations.

Because it's murder. - Shut up!

You shut up.

How could it be murder? It was an accident!

We have to get rid of the car.

But we can't sell it.

The police might find it and there could be D.N.A.

We'll take it to a bad part of town,

we'll leave the keys in the ignition and the doors unlocked.

If the police don't find it

we'll get the insurance money.

And if they do, it wasn't in our possession.

Anyone could have hit Mrs. Solis.

That sounds good.

Bree, are you sure?

Our son could spend the rest of his life in jail.

I won't allow that.

Bree knew what she was about to do was wrong.

But like most sinners,

she would worry about her guilt tomorrow.

Everybody should go wash up.

We're having pancakes for breakfast.

Desperate Housewives S01E08

Not since my own suicide

had violence intruded upon

the serenity of life on Wisteria Lane

in such a conspicuous fashion.

Needless to say,

my friends attacked the problem head-on.

Lynette brought the broom, Susan brought the trash bags,

and Bree brought the industrial strength solvent.

Whoo. That stuff is strong.

It has to be. I don't want Gabrielle and Carlos

coming home to this ugly reminder in front of their house.

Has anyone been over there?

Julie and I went over this morning.

How's Juanita doing?

She's in a coma ever since she came out of the E.R..

Nobody knows when or even if she'll wake up.

This is awful. Carlos must be just devastated.

I hope she wakes up

so maybe she can tell us who was driving that car.

We can only hope.

Slow down, you jerk! This is a residential neighborhood!

That's quite a pitching arm you've got there.

It pisses me off. I've got four kids.

I was up all night reading statistics online.

One out of every four traffic accidents

happens on residential streets.

I hope whoever hit Juanita gets put away for life.

Don't you think that's a little bit extreme?

An innocent woman gets hit by a car and

the driver takes off? I don't think it's extreme.

You should go home and get some rest. Eat something.

You have ton of messages from work.

Tanaka called. Said it was urgent.

Carlos, I can stay here with your mother.

I need to be here if she wakes up.

You can't go on like this.You have to take care of yourself.

And what if she dies?

People slip into comas all the time and never come out.

Don't say that. We need to stay positive.

Mr. and Mrs. Solis. - John.

Is it ok if I come in? - Of course.

Mr. Solis, I'm so sorry this happened.

It means a lot that you came.

I think I'm gonna go down to the chapel and pray.

You wanna come?

No. I think I will stay here with mama.

Is it all right if I come? - Of course.

We need all the prayers we can get.

Mrs. Solis, it's time for her sponge bath.

Come again?

Sometimes family members prefer to

administer sponge baths themselves.

I think I'll pass.

Martha.

Where's your purse? - Over there. Why?

What are you doing?

I am taking back the $40 you stole out of my purse.

Edie! - We both know you did it. Now hand it over!

I have taken nothing from your purse.

If you're missing money, I'd ask one

of those strange men you parade through here at all hours.

I am not going to apologize for having a healthy sex life.

Healthy? I'm going to have to burn every sheet you've touched.

I want my money. - And I want those non-fat peach yogurts.

They didn't just walk out of that fridge by themselves.

You can deduct it from the $40

that you're going to give me now.

You're my best friend. Why would I steal from you?

It's no secret that you've been having financial problems.

I hear you bitching on the phone to your bank.

that's it.

I can put up with your debauchery and your food theft,

but I will not tolerate spying.

I want you out. - You don't mean that.

Oh, yes, I do. I'm leaving tomorrow

to visit my sister for a few days.

I want you gone by the time I get back.

I'll do you one better.

I will leave today.

I hope this works.

My sleep cycle's totally out of whack.

I'm up all night, then dozing off during the day.

Trust me. This will do the trick.

In fact, you should be feeling more relaxed already.

You know, you're right.

Boys, I can hear you out there!

Now be quiet! Just sit there and color.

Now is not a good time to be moving. - I'm sorry.

Just block everything out

and let it go.

Imagine that you're in a forest.

There's a babbling brook nearby.

And the wind is just coming through the trees...

Mommy? - Parker!

I don't know... ow! ...what you think you're doing,

but put that back where it belongs.

Sorry. You were saying something about wind.

I was just creating a soothing image.

Oh, for the love of god.

Knock it off, you little monsters.

Mrs. Scavo, please lie down. We need to finish this.

I'm on my last nerves, so I'm gonna level with you here.

I've screwed up my entire system by

taking my kids' A.D.D. Medication.

Yeah, that's right, you heard me. I plan to stop.

But right now I need to sleep

and I need more than a few crappy needles, so what do you got?

I'm not licensed to write prescriptions.

I know you're not.

This will put you right to sleep.

It's a very powerful herbal remedy.

Promise me you'll use it judiciously.

Sure. Whatever.

Knock, knock!

Hey, come on in. - You're a mess.

I'm tearing out the leaky pipes in the upstairs bathroom.

Wall-to-wall rotten wood.

Sounds like a job.

So Julie said that you came by before.

Um... Yeah.

I was thinking about driving up to

the Germani Vineyard tomorrow for this wine tasting and...

What time do you want me to be ready?

About 6:00. - Six is good.

All right.

I thought maybe afterwards we could have a little dinner,

maybe some dancing.

Sounds great.

You do know that it's like a two-hour drive up there.

And isn't that kind of late to be coming back?

I thought if worse came to worse we could... grab a room.

Oh? Like a hotel room?

Yeah. As a last resort. - Of course. Of course. Yes.

So maybe we should make a reservation.

You know, just in case.

Yeah, I found some hotels online.

Let me get the print-out.

Hey, Bongo. Come here. Do you want a treat?

Where do you keep the dog biscuits? - Sorry, what?

Oh, never mind.

We'll just find them ourselves, huh?

I'm sorry, Susan. I couldn't hear you. What did you say?

Nothing. It's not important.

It's my tiler guy. Here. See what looks good.

Hey, Phil.

No, tomorrow morning I'm making a lumber run.

That's no good.

No, I'm gone tomorrow night, too.

I could let him in. - No, it's ok. Thanks.

It's fine.

Just give me the key. I'll be around all day.

All right. Thanks.

Phil, I'll give a key to my neighbor.

She'll be here to let you in.

Like every city, fairview had a neighborhood

that was less than desirable.

It was an accepted fact

anyone who lingered there after midnight

was usually up to no good.

Rex and Bree Van de Kamp were no exception.

You really think this is gonna work?

This is an impoverished neighborhood in the city.

Trust me. Somebody will steal the car.

How can you be so sure?

Because I have faith in the poor.

She's so beautiful.

I shot this last year on her birthday.

How are you going to do it?

I made contact with her at a bar.

She thinks I'm a real-estate developer.

Is she going to suffer? - No.

Edie Britt will disappear and

you'll go back to your life.

Before you do it, do you think you could ask her

why she sent this to my wife?

You can't think like that, Mr. Young.

You can't give in to your curiosity.

Curiosity leads to guilt.

Guilt leads to talking.

Do you still have questions?

I want to be clear about something.

If I walk away with this cash, it's done.

No refunds. No buyer's remorse.

I get it.

We won't talk again, so I'll ask one more time.

Are you sure you want this?

My wife is dead because of Edie Britt.

I absolutely want this.

You've been awfully quiet.

I've just been thinking about the kids.

They sure grew up quickly, didn't they?

They sure did.

I told them when they were babies

that they weren't allowed to get any bigger

because they were so adorable.

And we were so happy. - Yeah, well...

They sure didn't turn out like we expected them to.

No. They didn't.

Oh, we could have been better parents.

We weren't that bad.

We still have so much to teach them.

We need to show Andrew the enormity of what he's done.

I suppose we could punish him.

What's the appropriate punishment for

a child who drives over a woman?

I don't know.

No matter how the kids turn out, I still love them.

Course you do.

But I'll never forgive them for growing up so quickly.

Hey, look.

And I opened the cabinet and there was all this money in it.

I mean there was wads of it.

That's why you're freaking out?

A few stacks of cash? Come on.

Realistically, I've known this guy a few weeks.

He could be a hit man for the mob.

If you really think that why are you going on a trip with him?

I never get out of the house.

Mom. If you really need something to freak out about,

just remember that you're spending the night with Mike.

No man has seen you naked in years.

Except your doctor.

And he retired.

I try not to take that personally.

You look old in that.

Maybe I am being silly.

But going to a hotel with a man is a big deal to me.

What if Mike is hiding something?

Like what? - I don't know.

That's dad. I gotta go.

Now, listen to me. No more freaking out.

I need this weekend to go well.

Why do you care so much?

Because I'm gonna have a husband some day.

I really don't want you living with us.

Are the Lady Fingers ok? - They're terrific.

We just appreciate you all stopping by.

We just wanted you to know how much we care.

So have the police come up with any leads?

Not really. They'll be able to determine

the make and model of the car,

but without any eyewitnesses, no one seems very optimistic.

More importantly is there any good news about Juanita?

No change.

All we can do is wait and hope for the best.

We put her on our prayer list at church.

That's very sweet, Danielle. Thank you.

It must really help during times like these, having kids.

Yeah. They're a blessing.

Children make everything worthwhile.

You guys are the future. Legacy.

Thanks.

After we're all dead,

you'll be the only ones left to carry on.

Gabrielle and I are about to start a family.

Oh! Hey, that's great!

When did you decide this?

It's a fairly recent development.

I see.

We'll talk about this later.

Face it. We're shallow people.

Can our lives have any meaning if all we do is buy stuff?

That depends on what we buy. - I want a child.

In case you've forgotten,

before we fot married we made a deal. No kids.

Deals were meant to be renegotiated.

We're not negotiating my uterus.

We should probably be going.

Thank you so much.

That was weird. - I feel awful for Carlos.

That talk about children is obviously coming from his grief.

Whatever. I'm off the hook.

A weary Lynette drank her potent tea

in hopes of finally finding the sleep that had eluded her.

Unfortunately for Lynette,

there would be no rest for the weary.

Go to hell.

Go to hell, go to hell.

Sorry we're late.

Kenny Lipman couldn't find his neckerchief.

Come on guys

Lori Jean, the scout meeting is today?

Mommy! - What? Oh. Right.

Ok. Boys. This knot is called the bowline.

It is a remarkably useful knot. Now, pick up your ropes.

Ok, first we cross this end over here

and then we make a loop and then another loop

And then you sort of pull it through, I'm guessing,

and then you just... ready? ...Yank it taut.

Mommy, that doesn't look like the picture.

You're never gonna be a sailor. What do you care?

Ok, everybody. Let's just take a break.

Thanks.

Ok. It's all up there. Can I get a signature?

Oh, of course. - Thank you very much.

There you go. Have a nice weekend. - You too, lady.

Hey, ma'am!

Are you still here? I forgot to give you a receipt.

Ma'am?

Hello!

I need help! I'm up here!

I'm trapped in the floor! hello!

If you came in here to judge me, you can just leave.

Wait! Wait, no! Wait. Don't go.

Wait. I have an idea. Here, here, here.

Here. Grab the towel, Bongo.

Come on. Grab the other end. Good boy.

That's it. Get the other end.

Come on, Bongo. Pull the other end.

Come on, Bongo. What are you doing? Bongo, over here.

Bongo? Oh! Oh! Don't do that! Oh, Bongo!

While Susan remained hopelessly stuck,

Gabrielle was moving to confront the issue

of her young lover's restless conscience.

Nobody's home.

I know. I've been watching. I came to talk to you.

Although she would need to be discreet. - Keep working.

What were you thinking showing up at the hospital?

I had to see if she was ok.

You need to keep a low profile right now.

Look, you and I are finished.

From now on, I'm sticking with Danielle.

Why would you say that?

I hate myself for what we did.

Ok, I can't sleep at night. We've got to make a clean break.

We weren't driving the car.

We didn't chase Juanita into the street.

She wouldn't have been there if we weren't having an affair.

Oh, for god sake. Between you and Carlos!

Listen to me carefully. You didn't do anything wrong.

That's not what father Crowley thinks. - What?

I went to confession.

Have you lost your mind? What did you tell him?

Everything? - Including...

in the alley? Behind the truck stop?

Everything. - Damn you!

What is wrong with you?

Lassie would have had a fire truck here by now.

You stupid dog.

Good boy, Bongo! Run, Bongo, Run! Go get help!

Andrew, um...

I know the last few days have been stressful.

And you know, if you ever need to talk to anybody...

I know. You and Dad are here for me.

Actually, I was thinking we could arrange for you

to talk to a professional.

A shrink?

You think I'm crazy? - Of course not.

It's just that the accident probably

stirred up a lot of emotions.

And it would be normal for you to be feeling

confused or depressed or shamed.

I'm cool. Really.

Honey. You put a woman into a coma.

Surely that arouses some kind of emotion.

Yeah, well, it doesn't.

If you'll excuse me.

No! I won't. Not until you tell me.

Why do you care?

I need to know you're not a monster.

You want to know how I feel? - Yeah.

Here goes. I feel bad that she got hurt.

But I also feel bad that my car got dinged

Because somebody didn't have the sense to look both ways

before she cross the street.

And I feel bad that now I'm gonna have to ride my bike to school.

Andrew, you almost killed another human being.

She's an old lady, ok? She's lived her life.

I have my whole life ahead of me

and now it might be screwed up.

That's what you should be worried about.

What I'm worried about is that

Andrew you don't seem to have a soul.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't call the police.

Because I'm your son. That would make you the monster.

Hey, buddy.

Susan, is that you?

Mike? I'm upstairs. Sort of.

Hang on. I'll be right up.

What happened?

Well, you see. This bird flew in your bathroom window

and I tried to save it but uh... it died.

I don't think that's what happened.

I don't think so either.

Help me get out of here please. - Come on.

Oh! God.

Thank you.

Oh. You have no idea what that was like. Oh.

You went through my cabinets? - What?

Oh, I can explain that. - Get out of my house.

Mike... - Get out.

Hello there! - Good afternoon.

Oh! Well, isn't this just as pretty as a picture book?

The plan is to put in a small condo.

You want to make some money or you want to pussyfoot around?

What do you suggest?

I'm thinking? Strip mall.

I've run some numbers

Nice stationery. - Oh, it's stolen.

What do you mean?

After my house burned down,

I was staying with this neighbour Martha Huber.

That is until the old troll threw me out.

Anyway. I'd steal her stuff, she'd steal mine

It's the circle of life.

So this paper is hers?

Oh, god, Yes.

No, Tom, you can't do this to me.

Because I need you home!

Boys, stop it! I am on the phone!

Well. Yeah, I realize it's not your fault

that the meeting got postponed

But you promised you'd be back tonight.

Mom! - I gotta go.

The kids are... Yeah.

I know you're sorry.

Just will you try and get back as soon as you can?

Ok. Bye.

Boys, would you please, please stop it?

Really. Mommy's got a headache, ok? Just...

Turn that damn thing off!

What's the matter with you? Why won't you listen to me?

• All is groovy

• Slow down, you move too fast

• You've got to make the morning last

• Just kicking down the cobbled stones

• Looking for fun and feeling groovy

What?

I just came over to say I'm sorry.

And I'll pay for all the damage.

Don't worry about it.

Well... So...

In your mind, is the date off?

Well. You snooped around my house and went through my stuff.

Yeah. That's pretty much a deal breaker.

Hold on a minute. I started snooping around because

I found all that money by accident.

And then I found a gun.

Are you a drug dealer? - Is that what you think?

I wouldn't know because you never let me in.

You know this whole part of your life

that you kept completely walled off.

I have a gun for protection. I keep cash for emergencies.

I'm a good guy, Susan, and you should know that.

I'm not obligated to share every little detail of my life...

Every little detail is one thing,

weird creepy secrets, that's another.

You know what,

I don't wanna be with somebody who doesn't trust me.

Well, maybe we shouldn't be dating.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Do you mean that? - Yeah.

Well, I hope that your, you know,

blow secret keeps you warm at night.

Because you're throwing something

really great away to protect it.

Oh, Susan! You gotta take my kids for a while.

Lynette, this just really isn't a good time.

No, no I'm sorry but I can't do this.

It's just, it's too much.

Boys, you stay with your aunt Susan.

Lynette, when are you coming back?

Lynette!

Lynette!

There's Lynette's car. She's gotta be close.

I hope the kids aren't too much for Danielle to handle.

She'll be fine.

What do you think is happening with Lynette?

I don't know. But I'm scared.

Something's very, very wrong.

Lynette? Honey?

Are you ok?

Father. I'm so glad you could come and pray for mama.

Please, sit. - Thank you, Gabrielle.

Listen, since you're here.

There's something I've always wondered about.

That whole thing about priests not being allowed

to repeat what they hear in confessions.

Is that a hard rule or just a general guideline?

Rest assured, everyone's secrets are safe.

That's good to hear.

I'll keep yours too if you want to talk.

Me? No, no. Confession's not really my thing.

That's a shame.

Ok, you can stop condemning me with your eyes.

Right now.

I know you know about the affair.

But you know nothing about my life.

Look, it's not even an issue any more.

John and I are finished.

Gabrielle, the church is pretty clear on this.

If you commit a mortal sin and you die without repenting,

You go to hell.

Well, aren't you just a ball of fun?

So if I confess, it'll clean the slate, right?

Not only that.

If you want god's forgiveness you have to be truly sorry

and promise not to commit the sin again.

So what happens if I repent later?

Like, say, when I'm 75?

I wouldn't recommend waiting,

what if you die before then?

Well, let's say I don't die?

I do yoga. I eat well.

If I wait, does my repenting still count?

If you mean it, yes.

Thank you, Father Crowley.

You have been a tremendous comfort.

Um... I will let you do your thing.

Gabrielle.

We're all responsible for the choices we make.

Don't you want to be a good person?

What I want is to be happy.

That's the answer of a selfish child.

I know.

Then I started taking the pills because they gave me energy

but then I couldn't sleep at night

and I was so tired in the daytime and...

It totally messed me up.

I love my kids so much.

I'm so sorry they have me as a mother.

Lynette, you're a great mother.

No, I'm not.

I can't do it.

I'm so tired of feeling like a failure. It's so humiliating.

No, it's not!

So you got addicted to your kids' ADD Medication.

It happens.

You've got four kids. That's a lot of stress

and you just need some help.

That's what's so humiliating.

Other moms don't need help.

Other moms make it look so easy.

All I do is complain.

That's just not true!

When Julie was a baby,

I was out of my mind almost every day.

I got so upset when Andrew and Danielle were little,

I used their nap times to cry.

Why didn't you ever tell me this?

Oh, baby. Nobody likes to admit that

they can't handle the pressure.

I think it's just like we think,

you know, it's easier to keep it all in.

Oh, we shouldn't! We should tell each other this stuff!

It helps, huh? - Yeah.

It really does.

So it was Martha Huber all along.

Seems so. Edie didn't move in with Huber

until after your wife received the note.

My god, we almost killed an innocent woman.

Like I said, I don't do refunds,

but if you like, I'm willing to pay Mrs. Huber a visit.

No. Just keep the money.

This whole thing's been tearing me up

the nightmares, the guilt.

This isn't what Mary Alice would have wanted.

What would she have wanted?

Answers.

Hello, Mrs. Huber. - Paul.

Let me help. - That's not necessary.

I insist.

Ants, huh? - Yes.

I've had a little infestation problem.

I wanted to take care of it before my trip.

Never had a problem with ants.

Mary Alice and I had these little black flies once.

Oh? - She was so funny about it.

She ran out and bought herself a can of poison something

to spray them down.

So she's taking aim at one on the counter and

she just stops.

Puts the can down. Couldn't do it.

She told me later it felt too personal.

Literally couldn't kill a fly. That's how gentle she was.

Then you must have lived with quite a few flies.

I'm going to have to say good night to you now, Paul.

What are you doing here? - I want to know why.

I know you've got a lot of questions

and I also know I don't want to lose you.

So ask me anything you want.

You just told me everything I need to know.

All right. My idiot husband died

and left me with a worthless pension.

I was desperate for money

And it's better to take it from a bad person than a good one.

How was I suppose to know she'd shoot herself.

She was a good person.

A good person who leaves her child motherless?

Read the Bible, Paul.

Suicide's a big no-no.

Don't you feel any remorse or whatsoever? - Why should I?

Your wife didn't kill herself because I wrote a note.

She killed herself because of

what she did to that poor baby.

But rest assured I'm praying for Mary Alice.

After what she did, she'll need all of our prayers.

There is a widely-read book that

tells us everyone is a sinner.

Of course, not everyone feels guilt

over the bad things they do.

In contrast, there are those who assume

more than their share of the blame.

There are others who soothe their consciences

with small acts of kindness.

Or by telling themselves their sins were justified.

Finally, there are the ones who

simply vow to do better next time,

and pray for forgiveness.

Sometimes, their prayers are answered.

DH SE01 E09

Previously on Desperate Housewives

One was careless...

You put a woman into a coma.

Surely, that arouses some emotion. - Well, it doesn't.

You and I are finished.

One said goodbye.

I'm tired of feeling like a failure.

One almost lost it.

Your wife didn't kill herself because of my note,

she killed herself because of what she did to that poor baby.

And one got exactly what she deserved.

Gabrielle was waiting for her next great idea.

Her first great idea came when she was 15,

after her stepfather paid her a late-night visit.

She bought a bus ticket to New York

the very next day.

Her next occurred five years later,

when she decided to seduce

a famous fashion photographer.

One week later she began her career

as a runway model,

which soon led to her next great idea,

her decision to marry Carlos Solis.

Before she knew it,

she had jumped off the runway and moved to the suburbs.

Her most recent great idea was born

out of her boredom with her new life.

That's how she came to

start an affair with her teenage gardener,

which was cut short by a tragic accident.

So, once again, Gabrielle was

in need of a great idea.

Mrs. Solis, I know you're worried,

but it's gonna take time.

Hm? What is?

You look sad.

I assumed you were thinking about your mother-in-law.

Oh, no. - So, uh, what were you thinking about?

My life.

It hasn't turned out like I thought it would.

Oh, honey. - Oh, no. I know I shouldn't complain.

It's just there's something missing

and I don't know what it is.

Do you ever feel that way? - No.

When I go home at night, I sleep like a baby.

'Cause I know I did something

that day that helped people.

That must be a nice feeling. - Hm. It is.

There's times I wish I didn't have to work so hard.

We got a nursing shortage and they cut our budget.

Attention, all available personnel.

Code blue, stat, room 214.

Excuse me. - All available personnel.

Code blue, stat, room 214.

Damned! Get a doctor in here. I don't have an airway.

No time. I have to intubate.

Mr. Getz. Mr. Getz, listen.

You're not dying on me, ok?

This tube is to help you breathe.

I need you to be brave now.

It was then that Gabrielle got her next great idea.

She decided to throw the first annual

Sacred Heart charity fashion show

to raise money for more nursing staff.

Gaby, I can't do it.

I cannot walk down a runway in one of these dresses.

They all make me look so fat.

Please get someone to take my place.

Listen, Betty! Ok? You're not quitting on me now.

We'll find you a gown that's black

and slimming and you'll look great.

I need you to be brave now. - Ok.

And that night when she went to bed,

Gabrielle slept like a baby.

Desperate Housewives S01E09

News of the fashion show

spread quickly on Wisteria Lane.

Though the event was for charity,

Gabrielle soon discovered

when it came to the latest fashions,

women are seldom charitable.

No one knew this better than Edie Britt.

She understood that

treachery never goes out of style.

Susan. - Give me the dress.

I gave it a shot.

Hi, Helen. How's the dress fitting?

Great. Maybe it could be taken out

in the shoulder a little.

Sure. No problem.

There you go.

You know, Gabrielle, I never thanked you properly.

For what? - For what you did for my son.

It was so nice of you to hire John as your gardener.

Believe me, it's been my pleasure.

How's he doing? - Good, good.

I hear he's dating Danielle Van de Kamp.

For now.

It's just a matter of time before they break up for good.

What's wrong?

She just seems to want much more

of a relationship than he does.

You remember what it was like dating teenage boys.

Vaguely. - Thank you.

No, you tell Tanaka that if he doesn't call me

I'm gonna go down to his office,

find him and kick his ass!

Ladies.

Trouble at work? - I don't know what's the problem.

He's making money left and right.

I just wish he'd relax.

Crap, crap, crap!

I'm telling you, all of the good dresses are taken.

Now, what the hell am I supposed to wear?

Well, Mrs. Huber never showed up.

Why don't you wear this one?

This is an old-lady dress.

You won't even be able to see my body.

That is so like you, Edie.

You're always thinking of others.

So why isn't Mrs. Huber here?

Last I heard, she went to visit her sister.

I just can't believe that

Martha would agree to wear this.

She always says she'd never be caught dead in black.

Sadly for Mrs. Huber, this was no longer the case.

Hey, mom.

Julie, you got a letter from Zach.

Isn't that weird, him writing you? - Yeah.

Well, open. Open, open.

He could have said something about Dana.

I'll read it later.

Later? What's wrong with now?

I've got tons of homework, mom.

Julie, what's going on?

This isn't the first letter from Zach.

We've been writing each other the last couple of weeks.

Are you mad?

No. Just when I was your age,

my pen pal lived on a farm in Ohio,

not in a mental institution.

You know, that letter is one notch above prison mail.

Zach's not crazy.

He's just upset over his mom,

and his dad doesn't even seem to care.

He just... needs a friend.

I've packed the diapers,

I'm getting the juice boxes and carrot sticks...

Sunscreen? - Got it.

I go pick up the boys, we hit the park,

and that should give you a good couple of hours.

Enjoy the vacation.

What?

While you're gone, I'll be paying bills

and sorting laundry and cooking dinner.

So what part of that sounds like a vacation?

Ok, right. We'll pick up dinner.

You just take a hot bath, relax, recharge.

Ok, I get it.

It's gonna take more than a hot bath to recharge.

But don't forget, I'm here all week.

Then what?

And then we go back to normal?

Tom, our last version of normal

had me popping pills.

Normal is a bad, bad plan.

We'll put our heads together

and come up with a solution.

I think we need to hire a nanny full time.

God, it's just such a big commitment. - I know.

And I know we can't afford it.

And I know everything that's happened is my fault,

but if I don't get some help,

there's an excellent chance I will lose my mind.

Ok. Well, then, we have to make it work.

Next up

200-meter frestyle.

It's just not right. - What?

A woman is in a coma because of Andrew,

and there he is, happy as a clam.

We grounded him, took away the TV in his room.

How many more ways you wanna punish him?

Swimmers, take your marks.

I think we should make him quit the swim team.

Bree, this is the one thing

in his life that he's passionate about.

Maybe if we take it away from him,

and he'll start to understand what he did.

He has not shown an ounce of remorse since the accident.

Of course he feels bad. He's just keeping up a facade.

Well, he's doing a fabulous job.

If we take him off the team,

He'll lose his shot at a scholarship

and he's never gonna forgive us.

Well, if it ensures he grows up with some trace of humanity,

that's a risk I am willing to take.

Well, I'm not.

That because you just don't love him as much as I do.

Isn't that nice?

It's a fact. I'm his mother.

He lived inside of me.

He hung out in your womb back in the '80s.

Since than I have grown to love him as much as you.

What just happened?

That kid you both love so much, just won the race.

That's what she tells me, anyway.

John.

My mom said you needed volunteers, so I volunteered.

Finally got the charity bug?

You sound surprised.

No, not really. You were always a giver.

Would you knock it off? My mom's right over there.

Have a seat.

You can start by helping us alphabetize the donation cards.

So, word on the street is you and Danielle might break up.

Maybe. I don't know.

Is that because of me?

Not everything is about you.

Would you stop that? - Have you been thinking about me?

No. - Really?

Could have fooled me.

Hey. Do you need any help? - Please. Just pull up a chair.

Oh, gosh. - That's ok. I got it.

Susan, hi. Do you want to help with the seating cards?

Sure, do you want to tell me why you

had your foot in John Rowland's crotch yesterday?

Oh, that. He was helping me adjust the seam in my stocking,

and from your angle it must have looked a little weird.

You're sleeping with him, aren't you?

Ok, yes, but you have to promise not to tell anybody.

Gabrielle, he's in high school,

and... it's illegal and you're married.

If Carlos found out, this would kill him.

It's just sex. It's totally harmless.

How can you call something like this harmless

after everything you know about I went through with Karl?

This isn't about you. - Yes, it is.

It's about me and about every other person who was

screwed over by somebody they loved.

When Karl ran off with Brandi

you saw what a basket case I was.

I was crying,

I was tearing up his clothes.

I couldn't get out of bed all day.

You were there.

How could you do the same?

How can you compare me to Karl? That's not fair.

You have no idea about my life.

Why don't you enlighten me.

You're beautiful, you have money than you can spend

and you have a husband who adores you.

No, he doesn't adore me. He adores having me.

That's a rationalization and you know it.

I'll see you at the show.

Ok, honey, in you go. Hey, there.

How many nannies did you interview? - Ten. Ten!

Each one more incompetent than the last.

One asked me... There you go...

If she was expected to change diapers.

Good nannies are so hard to find.

That's why I hoped to take advantage of your expertise.

Oh, lord. What do you want me to do?

All your rich friends have nannies, a-list nannies.

I need to catch one without their bosses.

Why? - So I can poach me one.

Lynette!

At my old job we didn't wait for good people to come to us.

We went out and raided other companies.

It's no different with hiring a nanny.

I understand that good help is hard to find,

but stealing a family's nanny is so unseemly.

I'm not twisting anyone's arm. If I make a better offer,

why shouldn't a qualified person reap the benefits?

So, come on, where can I score some high-grade nanny?

Hey, Mrs. Solis. I have some awesome news.

I have some not-so-awesome news. You go first.

I broke it off with Danielle.

I passed her a note during French class.

So we can be together.

John, your timing is impeccable. - What do you mean?

Susan Mayer saw us last night,

and she knows everything.

Since the accident, Bree had started to worry

her son's sense of morality was going up in smoke.

She was right to be concerned.

Andrew? Can I come in?

Uh, yeah. Just a sec.

Hey, what's up?

Why are you smiling?

It's just a... joke that I heard.

Oh. What was it about? - Well, it's kind of dirty, mom.

Charming. What I was wondering is

if you've bothered to spend any time reflecting on

the reasons that you've been grounded

and the pain you've caused the Solis family.

Yeah. I totally get how my actions

have affected, like, everything else.

Really?

I mean, you know, like, when I do something like I did,

then you gotta do something like you did,

which is, you know, it's cool,

Because... Then everything just kind of balances itself out

and... and goes all smooth again.

You know? - No, I don't.

What's that smell?

Have you been smoking marijuana?

No, of course not. - You are strung out!

No! no, no, no, mom. - Excuse me.

What's that? - The container you'll urinate into.

Come on. - Ow! ow! ow, that hurts!

Dr. Sicher, what are you doing here?

Mr. Young, I didn't want to upset you

by telling you over the phone.

What is it? - Zach is missing from Silvercrest.

It happened yesterday evening,

we think during the shift change.

I know this is difficult to hear. I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, uh, it's just been one of those days.

I still don't get why you're not with Danielle any more.

She looked so slutty at Ray's party.

She's not my type, I guess.

You still hung up on your mysterious married lady?

What is it with her? Besides the obvious, of course.

We talk about real stuff.

She doesn't treat me like some lame yard boy.

But you are a lame yard boy.

It's all messed up now anyway.

Her friend found out about us.

If it gets out, her husband's gonna kill me.

On the upside,

your social status at school is going to explode

when people find out you're doing a hot housewife.

Shut up, dude.

Please explain to me how he could just walk out.

With the money I pay, you can afford a padlock.

With all due respect, we are not a high-security facility,

and you restrict our ability to treat Zach.

What the hell does that mean?

You insist we medicate him without psychotherapy,

that is a recipe for disaster.

Zach is a troubled young man,

and he's getting progressively worse.

Hungry?

I'm starving.

Bree had given Lynette the low-down on Valley View Park.

It was a gathering place for upscale nannies

and their young charges.

It was Lynette's first time there,

and she was determined not to go home alone.

Of course, Lynette had high standards,

so making a connection...

...wasn't easy.

Still, she was desperate to find that special someone.

And that's exactly who she found.

Ok. All right.

Here's one for you, and one for Amy.

All right, have fun,

and I'll be right here if you need me, ok?

From the moment she saw her...

Is this seat taken? - No, go ahead.

...Lynette knew she had to have her.

You are wonderful with those children.

Thanks.

I'm Lynette. - Claire.

Claire? I always loved that name.

So, Claire...

Do you come here often?

What's this? - Your son's urine.

I'm gonna need a moment.

I think Andrew has been smoking marijuana.

So I want you to take this and get it tested right away.

Why?

Because I want to pull him from the swim team.

And I don't think they will allow it without proof.

Proof or no proof. You're not taking him off the team.

Yes, I am.

If you try, I'm gonna go to the coach

and tell him to ignore you.

We're not gonna screw up Andrew's future,

because he sparked a doobie.

I mean, come on, we've all done it. - Not all of us.

Rex, I thought you moved back home

to try straighten Andrew out,

To teach him the consequences of his actions.

I don't understand why are you fighting me on this?

Because I disagree.

Because we're still getting divorced.

And I don't have to let you push me around any more.

I never pushed you around.

We always made our decisions together.

No, you always make decisions then tell me I agree.

18 years of smiling and taking it.

What a liar I was.

Thank god you're out of my life. - Rex...

What are you doing?

Same thing you just did to every memory I have of our marriage.

You know what? If you were my mom, I'd smoke pot too!

So your boss made you return her underwear?

Yeah. After she had already worn them once.

Couldn't you have just said no?

You don't say no to Alexis... If you want to keep your job.

She sounds awful.

What can I do? I love the kids.

If we had a nanny like you in my house,

we would treat her like gold.

Did I mention I have four very lovable kids?

Really? - Oh, yes.

Claire! - Oh, no.

What? - It's Alexis.

I don't want her to get the wrong idea. So you should go.

Are you gonna be here tomorrow?

I wanna see you again. - No, I'm busy.

I just want to talk.

Lynette, this isn't right.

Claire, please.

All right. I will be at this address until noon tomorrow.

Now go.

Ok.

Hi. Where are the kids?

What are you doing here? - I know you know.

And you're probably freaking out,

so I just wanted to explain.

What me and Mrs. Solis have, it's deep, you know?

We've got a future. It's not just sex.

Listen to me. There is no future for you and Gabrielle.

She's not gonna divorce Carlos and run away with you.

Why not? - Because he has money, a lot of it.

I'm not gonna be mowing lawns for ever. I have big plans.

Just stop talking. John, how old are you?

Almost 18. - Exactly.

You are not mature enough

to have a realistic perspective on this relationship.

You would be much happier with a girl your own age.

She's the one I want.

You know, I really love her.

Please welcome Mrs. Arlene Nord.

We have Arlene and Norris to thank

for all our folding chairs.

So, please remember, for all your folding chair needs

...Rent Nords.

Next up, we have Mrs. Betty Nolan!

Thank god Tom could fill in in the last minute.

Why did Carlos have to back out?

Some work emergency. He wouldn't talk about it.

Sometimes I could just kill him.

Oh, look on the bright side. Tom's having the time of his life.

Hands off, fellas. She's all mine.

I guess he does sort of have a dorky charm.

Ok, Bree, you're up first, followed by Lynette,

and then Edie. Edie?

Where's Edie Britt? - Over here.

Edie, what did you do to that dress?

Well, I made it audience friendly.

Can you tell I'm not wearing underwear?

Yes. - Good.

Sorry I'm late.

You should never take this dress off for your entire life.

Really? I look ok?

Oh, Susan, you look so gorgeous.

Doesn't she, Edie? - Ah... It's a bit much.

Gabrielle. You have to change the line-up.

Susan has to go last.

Nothing is gonna top this.

Oh, no. Isn't Helen Rowland going last?

She never showed up. Somebody gonna take this place.

I think that's a great idea. Ok, let's go.

You really do look fantastic.

Next up, we have Mrs. Bree Van de Kamp

in a pink party dress

with laser cut, full skirt and silk belt.

Here is another exquisite ball gown by Halston,

modeled by the devastatingly sexy Lynette Scavo.

Notice the fine detail, the clean lines.

The dresser is nice, too.

Next up, please welcome Edie...

...Britt.

Edie Britt!

Please tell Gabrielle I'm sorry I backed out of the show.

I'm just not in a very festive mood right now.

Helen! Helen, you're here.

Did they tell you about the change in line-up?

I'm gonna go last. If that's ok.

There's a special place in hell for people like you.

I'm sorry. It wasn't my decision.

You're an adult. Take some responsibility!

What is wrong with you?

She is wearing a dignified classic,

perfect for a Sunday tea or christening.

For god's sake, Helen, this is for charity!

Edie Britt, everyone!

Keep your hands off my son! - What?

And finally, to cap off our evening...

Come on, you're up.

...Please welcome the radiant Susan Mayer.

Tom, say something!

A vision in white silk...

chiffon with gold, hand-beaded French lace

and lavender marabou.

Susan Mayer!

She's never looked better.

Susan, I feel awful about what happened.

Susan, talk to me.

Ok, you want me to talk? You're gonna find Helen Rowland

and you gonna tell her the truth

before everyone in the neighbour thinks

I'm the one sleeping with an underage boy.

I can't do that. - Why not?

Because she will tell Carlos and he will divorce me?

So what?

You obviously don't love him.

I do love him. I do. It's just... complicated.

You know, there's gotta be another way to fix this.

God, you are so weak.

Susan, don't be like this.

What did you expect? A hug?

Hey... - Shh! Alexis is still here.

She was supposed to go to Pilates,

but she got her period. You gonna go.

Give me a second.

No. She saw you at the park.

She knows what you're trying to do.

You're not the first who approach me.

Claire!

How can you stay here after the way she treats you?

She can be tough, but it comes with the territory.

I would never treat you that way.

Claire what did you do with the aspirin?

I will give you a 20 per cent bump

on what she's paying, you plus overtime.

Dammit, Claire! Where the hell are you?

I don't take orders from your friends

I'm not a telephone answering service

and I don't do laundry.

Dishes? - Only the kids'.

How fast can you pack?

I got a nanny!

Where are you gonna go? - I don't know.

But I can't go home.

Are you afraid of your dad? - No. It's not him.

It's... It's me.

My life is really messed up. It's bad.

What's bad? You can tell me. - No, I can't!

It's better that you don't know.

I already know a little.

Hi, Danielle. How was school? - It was ok.

Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?

Bree had resorted to extreme measures to save her son's soul.

As she rummaged through Andrew's private possessions,

it occurred to her that sometimes a little betrayal...

is good for the soul.

I was really young, like four.

I heard my mom and my dad yelling.

I heard 'em yell my name... and hers.

Dana? - Mm-hm.

So... I went down to the room and I saw them cleaning it up.

Cleaning what up?

Blood.

Was it Dana's?

I think so.

I couldn't remember this for the longest time,

and then my mom killed herself

and I started having these dreams.

I don't even see Dana. I just... I see the blood

and my mom picking me up and putting me on my bed

whispering that it's not my fault.

And after that, every time I'd say her name,

they'd get upset.

So I wasn't even allowed to say it any more.

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying.

I killed my baby sister.

Zach, oh, my god.

And they buried her to protect me.

Helen, do you have a minute? - Oh, Gabrielle.

I didn't tell you how sorry I was about

what happened to the fundraise.

I didn't intend to cause a scene.

No, it's okay. People didn't even notice.

This is a little awkward.

I know you're friends with Susan Mayer.

But let's just say I had my reasons.

It wasn't Susan.

It was me.

What?

I'm the one who was sleeping with your son.

I'm so sorry.

For how long?

Almost a year. But it's over now.

So when it started,

he was... 16?

I think.

But, Helen, you have to believe me, it's over now.

No, you're wrong. It's not even close to being over.

Dude, coach wants to see you. - Really?

Hey, I bet it's about my scholarship.

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

Marijuana in his locker? Oh, I'm just horrified.

There must be some sort of terrible mistake.

Um, yeah, ok. Well, I will be right down.

Elsewhere, another darker secret was

the object of an investigation.

Mr. Linder? Mr. Linder?

Detective Beckerman.

This is detective Burnett.

We were hoping for a minute of your time.

If you know anything about Zach's whereabouts,

you need to tell me now.

Honey, what's going on?

Zach's gone from Silvercrest.

They found letters in his room from Julie.

They were writing to each other.

I need to see those letters.

Mom... They're private.

My son is missing.

Julie, in the letters, did zach say

anything about running away?

No.

There's your answer. - Susan...

If we hear anything, I will let you know right away.

I understand how worried you must be.

Obviously you don't.

Paul, my daughter doesn't lie.

This was a very popular design.

I must have sold

several hundred of these just like it, ten years back.

Do you keep any documentation?

I have a list of customers' names on the file.

Somewhere. It's been a while.

We'll need a copy of that list.

Oh, sure. Wow, this chest looks like it's been through hell.

We pulled it out of Rockwater lake,

you could say by way of hell, considering.

Was there anything in the chest?

It had a body inside. Adult female.

Yeah, but how do you fit a body into a chest that size?

It was chopped up.

Of all the stupid, boneheaded decisions.

What were you thinking?

I was set up. The coach got an anonymous phone call.

Andrew, what does it matter? The pot was there.

I was holding it for a friend. - You know...

I can't decide which is more humiliating,

the fact that my son got caught with pot in his locker

or that he can't even come up with

a decent enough lie to explain it.

Gabrielle believed there was a excellent chance

Helen Rowland would inform Carlos of

his wife's extramarital activities.

Gabrielle knew she had to come clean.

Carlos? - Yeah?

But coming clean...

I, uh...

...Was not one of Gabrielle's specialties.

I'm going to bed. - Thanks for the newsflash.

She turned me in!

Carlos. Carlos, I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry. - Sorry for what?

Just know that whatever happens, I love you very, very much.

F.B.I. Open the door. - Oh, my god.

F.B.I. If you do not open the door,

I am authorized to enter the premises by use of force.

Carlos Solis, I have a warrant for your arrest.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can be used against you.

Call our lawyer.

Carlos, what's happening?

If you cannot afford a lawyer,

one will be appointed for you, the government spence

Carlos, wait!

Gabrielle, this will all be taken care of, I promise.

I'm innocent, I swear to god. It was Tanaka. He set me up.

People are complicated creatures,

on the one hand able to perform great acts of charity,

on the other,

capable of the most underhanded forms of betrayal.

It's a constant battle that rages within all of us,

betwen the better angels of our nature

and the temptation of our inner demons.

And sometimes the only way to ward off the darkness...

...is to shine the light of compassion.

They took him away in... handcuffs.

DH SE01 E10

Previously on Desperate Housewives

Zach's gone from Silvercrest. - Hungry?

Sometimes...

If I don't get help, I will lose my mind.

Where can I score some high grade nanny?

...No matter how hard you try...

FBI! Open the door!

Carlos Solis, I have a warrant for your arrest.

...Some problems...

I'm Sorry, and you are...?

I take you've met Maisy Gibbons.

She's a total nightmare.

Maisy does love to rule her little kingdom.

You are unhappy with our sex life.

You're not getting something from me

but you're simply to afraid to ask.

...Can't be easily solved.

To understand Maisy Gibbons,

you first need to know how she spent her afternoons.

Her mornings were spent running errands for her husband.

Her evenings were spent

washing dishes and helping with homework.

Ok, so, nine plus one is...

But her afternoons,

well, they were spent in the company of men.

Frustrated,

misunderstood,

lonely men, willing to pay money

to feel a little less lonely.

And Maisy Gibbons was willing to help them.

Maisy, I've always wondered.

Nobody knows about your little hobby, do they?

Is it hard keeping a secret like this?

Well, maybe if it was just my secret

but the way I see it,

I keep the secrets of every man who comes to me.

And I find that absolutely exhilarating.

A few years back, Harold lost his job

and we had to give up our membership at the country club.

And then one day one of my club friends

asked why she hadn't seen me around lately.

I told her that we couldn't afford it any more.

She waved it off like it was nothing,

but I saw her get that look in her eye,

that look of... pity.

Maybe she was just trying to be nice.

Anyway, is that so bad, feeling sorry for someone?

When they say something, they are being supportive,

but when they say nothing,

it's because they think

you're so far gone, you're never coming back.

Gotcha you.

Anyway, a couple months later, I started my little hobby,

and the most wonderful thing happened.

This woman's husband became one of my regulars.

Oh, would you be a lamb and go out the back?

That's my next appointment. - Sure.

It's the husband of the woman I was telling you about.

Hello, there. - Hey, Maisy.

Desperate Housewives S01E10

Every morality play has its cast of characters.

There is always an innocent victim,

a deceitful villain,

a prosecutor who seeks the truth,

a magistrate who dispenses justice

and a lawyer who charges too much.

This morality play was being produced

at the fairview county courthouse.

Its themes were trust and betrayal.

So what's your issue with bail in this case, Ms. Mccready?

We want bail denied, your honor.

The defendant's company imported goods

manufactured by slave labor.

His business partner, Mr. Tanaka,

has already fled the country,

and Mr. Solis himself has refused to surrender his passport.

Dog ate your client's passport, Mr. Hartley?

It's been temporarily misplaced, your honor

but we maintain that Kisho Tanaka set up

and executed the entire operation.

Mr. Solis is no business partner

but merely a hired contractor.

I'd also like to point out that

my client is the sole provider for his wife and his mother,

who is hospitalized in a coma as we speak.

Bring me the passport

and Mr. Solis can visit his mother.

Until then, your client is denied bail

and remanded. What's next?

You'd better finish those Brussels sprouts.

Don't think I can't see them hidden under your macaroni.

I hate Brussels sprouts.

Yeah. Well, brussels sprouts help you grow.

You don't want to be short your whole life, do you?

Look. You know what we'll do?

We're gonna dip'em in a little cheese. Here you go.

Good. Yummy. - Disgusting!

Fine. Be 3'8" the rest of your life.

See if I care. Good luck finding girlfriends.

Didn't you have a lunch? - I'm gonna cancel it.

The boys are in rare form,

and you're still finding your way.

Lynette, it's been two days.

I... don't want to shock them by suddenly disappearing.

Deep down they're very sensitive.

That's a paper airplane.

They'll be fine. Now go. Get out of here.

You have my cell phone number. You call me if you need anything.

I will. - Ok.

Boys! Come here and give momma a three-bear hug.

Come on. Whoo! One, two, three...

Get in! Get in!

Bye, mom. - Bye.

Bye! - Ok.

Watch your hands!

I'm gonna eat upstairs. I've got a ton of homework.

What, are you storing up for winter?

I'm just really hungry.

Oh, I talked to dad.

And apparently he and Brandi might break up.

Oh, how awful.

Mom, you're smiling. - Am I?

Anyway, because of all the drama, he can't take me this weekend.

So I'll be home after all. Goodnight.

Oh, great. Our romantic weekend's off.

We can move it to my house. - No.

Why not?

I just want it to be special.

And it can't be special at my house?

Ok, I know this sounds weird,

but I just need to have my things around me.

What things? - Perfumes and oils.

I wanna pick out the outfit you're gonna tear off me.

And plus I need to be in complete control of the lighting.

Ok. We'll wait till next weekend.

You are just the sweetest guy.

I can't wait till next weekend. - No, me neither.

What about tomorrow?

While Julie is at school. I've got an early job and that's it.

Oh, no good. My publisher's got me under the gun for something.

What about Friday?

I'm re-piping a house.

Damn Karl!

Not even married any more

and he's still keeping me from having sex.

I can't hide you in my room for ever,

and I think we need to tell my mom.

You can trust her, I promise.

You didn't tell her what I told you, did you?

No! I would never tell anyone that.

What are you doing? - I don't wanna cause problems for you.

I'm just gonna go.

Zach, stop. Don't go.

I won't tell her.

I swear I'll be out of here soon.

I'll think of something, ok?

Hello. - Why are you up?

I could ask you the same question.

I'm going to bed.

I didn't ask you to wait up for me.

Remember, I'm here as our children's father,

not your husband.

What are you doing?

Were you with a woman?

Did you tell her that you have a wife

or does that hinder your pick-up style?

All right, even if I was seeing someone,

I have every right to.

Exploring options is the whole point of being separated.

Options! I'm not a mutual fund, Rex.

Oh, that's not...

Bree, you should get out there,

try and meet someone.

Meet someone? I'm raising your children.

I am just trying to move on with my life.

It is nothing to be ashamed of. - Oh, ok.

Let me tell you what then, why don't you just call up

your mystery woman and invite her over?

I'll pull out the sofa bed

and you can take her right there.

Andrew! Danielle!

Daddy's gonna fornicate for us!

Just keep your voice down.

Why? Are you feeling ashamed?

The next morning started with a banging.

No one knew where Martha Huber was,

and Edie Britt was starting to worry.

Edie didn't like worrying.

She felt it gave her wrinkles.

So, out of concern for her face, and Mrs. Huber,

Edie decided to find out what was going on.

Yao Lin, listen to me.

It's very important that we find Carlos's passport.

I already looked through his office.

I need you to search the bedroom.

What?

With Mr. Solis in jail, how you gonna pay me?

I have children.

Yao Lin, your kids are in their twenties.

But if it'll make you shut up...

Here. Three weeks in advance.

If you don't mind,

can I call your bank?

Yao Lin, don't be stupid.

People don't become poor overnight.

That's my car. Oh, my god.

Hey! Hey! What are you doing?

Where are you taking my car?

The government's impounding it. Here's your receipt

Call that number if you have any questions.

Oh, my god

You call this a paint job?

I don't want to see it again till it's perfect!

I wonder what's going on over there.

Claire did ok with kids yesterday.

But that could have been beginner's luck.

Do you think I should call? I should call

Lynette, for the first time in years you finally have some free time,

and you're wasting it obsessing about the kids.

It's just.. I don't know this woman. I mean not really.

So she has a degree in sociology,

big deal. Who doesn't?

My boys are a lot to handle. What if she's not up to it?

If you really have that many doubts,

you should go buy a hidden camera.

What, a nanny-cam?

Yeah. People do terrible things

when they think no one's watching them.

Yeah.

I don't really think that I could videotape Claire.

It would be a breach of trust.

Trust is overrated.

So... How are things with you and Rex?

Fine. Why do you ask?

I'm just curious. He moves out, moves back in.

Is he back for good?

The situation is...fluid.

Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.91,0:12:58.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,我也不知道他到底作何打算\NI’m not certain what his plans are yet.

So if you're not sure he's back for good,

why are you ironing his shirts?

Because I have faith that he'll come back

and that he'll do the right thing.

That's good. It's good to have faith in people.

Yeah.

But I'd still buy that camera.

Hello? - Mike? My oven's out.

Come over and help me find my pilot light.

*lay all my trouble down

*here I am, baby come and take me

*here I am, baby won't you come and take me?

*take me by the hand

*show me here I am, baby...

Oh, candles. Candles

*here I am, baby come and take me

*here I am, baby come and take me...

*take me by the hand

Mike, is that you?

I'm up here!

Mike?

Oh, my god! oh, god. - What the hell?

I'm so sorry. I thought someone was in the house.

So you took your clothes off?

No, my clothes already off, I was going to seduce you.

Didn't really work.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you ok?

Well...

Please don't be mad.

Hey, there.

Zach? What are you doing here?

Later that day, while Claire was out

getting the boys wired on ice cream,

Lynette did some wiring on her own.

You can't do this.

You can't send Zach back.

Julie, what else can I do? He can't stay here.

His father sent him to a psycho ward.

Actually, they call it a rehabilitation center.

What do you think?

Paul is his father.

He has a right to know his son's ok.

If he finds out you're hiding him,

you could get in a lot of trouble.

He's right. Sorry, guys.

Mom, please don't do this.

If you knew what Zach had been through...

Julie. Julie, it's ok. I'll be fine.

I'll take him back over so you two can...

Listen, if Paul sees Zach and freaks out...

I'll bring him right back. - Thank you.

Young lady, we need to talk about what you did.

I really don't feel like talking to you right now.

Listen, Zach...

If things ever get really bad...

it's got my cell number on it.

Give me a call... any time.

Thanks.

Oh, thank god.

How did you...? - We'll talk later.

Remember, any time.

I heard you moved back home. - Yeah, I had to.

We had some problems with Andrew.

I'll move out eventually.

Spikes or pearls? - Your choice.

You know what I think?

You don't really want to leave her.

Don't psychoanalyze me.

You're still in love.

I never said I wasn't. - Then why divorce?

So now you're rooting for us two crazy kids to work it out?

You know me. I'm just a romantic at heart.

Scarves or cuffs?

Up to you. Even if I could find a way to deal with

Bree's obsessive-compulsive thing,

it's not the only problem.

As you know, I have certain needs.

Boots or stilettos?

Stilettos, please.

Why don't you just tell Bree what you need?

Tell her what you want.

Because she'd say no. - So?

I've said no to some things you've asked me to do.

Yeah, that's different. I don't care if you reject me.

Rex, would you trust me on this?

Sometimes when you love somebody,

you just gotta make sacrifices for them.

Love or passion. That's an awful choice to make.

Yes, it is.

I have to warn you, this might hurt a little bit.

How am I supposed to live without a car?

Tanaka's still at large

and they want Carlos to flip on him.

So this is their way of playing hardball.

I'm guessing that they're not done yet.

Why? What else could they take from us?

Pretty much anything.

It's all fair game if they even think

they can trace it to ill-gotten gains.

No, some of this stuff is mine,

when I modeled, before I even met Carlos.

See this? Kosta Boda.

I bought it when I landed my first cover.

This... I spent eight hours on a rock in a bikini

for that painting.

I understand how you feel. - No, you don't understand.

I have dug myself up from dirt to afford these things

and no one is gonna take them away from me.

Then I suggest you find yourself a good hiding place.

They can't take what they can't find.

And if you can scare up that passport too, that would be good.

Oh. Hi, Gabrielle. - Hi.

What have you got there? - My china.

I know how you've always loved it.

And I thought you might wanna borrow it for a while.

Oh. Well, that's... very thoughtful of you.

Say, can I store some

odds and ends in your garage?

Sure. Why don't you come by tomorrow?

Sooner's better than later.

Just like... - Come on now.

Rex?

Rex?

Rex!

I need an ambulance... Right away.

Hello?

Yes, this is she. Yes, he's my husband.

Excuse me. I'm here to see Rex Van de Kamp.

Apparently he had a heart attack. I'm not sure...

He's being prepped for surgery right now.

If you'd like to wait?

Could I at least poke my head in? I'm his wife.

You're his wife? - Yes. Why?

I was thinking of a different patient.

Let me get the doctor.

As Claire prepared for bed,

she was unaware that somewhere else in the Scavo house

the day she had just finished was starting all over again.

Lynette was relieved to see that

Claire was doing a good job.

But after further viewing...

Give me a three-bear hug.

...It dawned on lynette...

...Claire might be doing herjob a little too well.

Here's the candles I borrowed.

Thanks.

I'm trying to read, so if you don't mind.

I cannot believe, after everything you did,

you're mad at me.

I told Zach that he could trust you

and you turned him in.

Well, someone had to be responsible.

Like it or not, I've got a birth certificate

that says I'm your mother.

Since when? - What is that supposed to mean?

Since dad left, if there's been

a mother around here, it's been me.

Julie!

Do you remember after the divorce you stayed in bed for a week

and I had to beg you to eat.

Yeah, but...

For weeks I had to clean the house,

make sure the bills were paid,

I even had to schedule my own doctor's appointment once.

I was in bad shape back then.

It's still going on.

And now that I need some support,

you decide to play the mom card?

I had to send Zach back.

We could have gotten in a lot of trouble.

Yeah, well now Zach's the one who's in trouble.

You sent him back to a man who hates him.

As Gabrielle considered

the vast emptiness of her new surroundings,

she was surprised to find

there was only one thing she truly missed...

... her husband.

Mrs. Solis. We have a warrant to enter your house

and repossess any goods we suspect

may have been obtained... illegally.

We're not into clutter.

All right. Harvey the flying turtle.

Doesn't this look fun?

Where's Claire? - I gave her the afternoon off.

Who wants to turn pages? - Is she sick?

No. She's fine. I just wanted us all to spend

the day together, you know, like we used to.

Here we go. "Once upon a time

there was a young turtle named Harvey."

"Everyday Harvey would tell the other turtles 'One day

I'm going to fly off and cause I'm gonna go see the world."'

"The other turtles said

'turtles can't fly!'"

It's getting good now, huh?

Well, what's wrong?

When Claire reads. She does funny voices.

Does she, now? Ok.

"Harvey didn't like the turtles laughing

so he told them 'I'll show you!

One day I will fly higher than the birds.'"

That's not funny. - Yeah, well, I'm just warming up.

"Then Bruno, the big bad turtle, took Harvey

up on the cliff and threw him over."

"He proclaimed ' we'll see

if you can fly! Fly or die! Fly or die!"'

When's Claire coming back?

What happened to your nails?

Oh, I... I moved all our stuff

to keep it from the feds.

It kills me that I'm putting you through this.

Hands on the table.

It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.

I'll take care of everything

until you're back to do it yourself.

And you will be soon.

I gotta be honest. I didn't know how you would hold up.

I knew you were a strong woman,

but I had no idea.

You're a good wife, Gaby. A real partner.

Oh, Carlos, I love you so much.

I would give up a houseful of expensive junk

just to put this behind us and have you home with me.

That sounds pretty good right now.

I'm gonna kiss my husband now. - Hands on the table.

There's a false panel on the back wall of my closet.

My passport is there, along with some papers.

Take the passport to the lawyer and burn the papers.

Carlos, did you know what Tanaka was doing?

Just burn the papers.

Hey, Lynette.

Did Martha Huber leave a spare key to her house with you?

No. Where is she, by the way? I haven't seen her in days.

You got me. She kicked me out so fast

that I forgot my laptop,

And there's just some stuff on there

that I don't want anyone else to see.

Oh. Well, good luck with that.

You know, you're not looking half bad.

What have you done with our little posse of yours?

They're with the new nanny.

Wow. Your own personal nanny?

Smell you.

Trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Our mothers are smart.

They didn't get us nannies or put us in daycare,

because they knew if they did

we'd find out there are other women out there who

were better mothers than they were.

You know, I had a nanny for a while growing up.

Mrs. Muntz. - You had a nanny?

Well, actually, she was more like

a court-appointed social worker.

My mom did a little time.

She had a thing for bourbon and...

shoplifting.

Oh. Sorry.

Muntz was a hard-ass. No mercy.

In fact, she was such a disciplinarian

that when my mom made parole,

I was actually happy to see her.

Really?

Yeah. Lesser of two evils.

Anyway, I gotta find a key.

See you later. - Bye.

Thanks for your help with Zach before.

It's my pleasure. I hope he comes out of this ok.

He's a little squirrelly, but he seems like a good kid.

Yeah.

So, how's Julie taking all this?

Not well. She accused me of not being a good mother.

No, you're a great mom.

Well, she was sort of right.

After my divorce, I really leaned on her a lot.

Seems natural.

And I still kinda do it.

I just want somebody to talk to about all my adult stuff,

and she's right there, and she just acts so mature,

I forget she's thirteen.

Well, the good news is that from now on,

if you ever want to talk to somebody about grown-up stuff,

you got me.

I can't talk to you about everything.

What if I want to talk about the big crush I have

on the plumber that lives across the street?

Big crush, huh? - Oh, yeah.

Well, you'd have to tell me more.

Well... He's got a smile that's to die for.

And don't get me started on his tattoo.

Thanks.

Oh, Bree.

What a nice surprise.

Would you like to come in?

Well, that depends.

Are you having an affair with my husband?

Would you like some more potatoes?

You already asked me that.

Sorry. I'm so relieved you're safe,

I'm not thinking straight.

Does that mean you're not gonna send me back to Silvercrest?

You've gotta understand, your behavior, the violence,

breaking into the Van de Kamps...

I just didn't know what you were going through.

You could have asked me.

I've been remembering things...

things from when I was little.

What kind of things? - Awful things.

Zach, listen to me.

Sometimes it's not good to look back on the past.

But I can't help it.

These images just keep popping into my head.

You've got to find a way to push them back out again.

Ok.

More potatoes?

Yes, please.

Sure is nice to be back to normal.

You should know that Rex still loves you... very much.

He said that? - Yes.

Then why is he so unhappy?

He has certain needs,

and he's afraid to discuss them with you.

Needs? Like... sexual needs?

Yes.

And have you fulfilled those needs?

I see.

You are pretty brazen for a woman who just admitted,

however tacitly, that she just slept with my husband.

If I told anyone in this neighbor,

they would never speak to you again.

You're not gonna tell a soul.

Yeah, you may hate me,

but you'd hate the humiliation a lot more.

Oh, I don't hate you, Maisy. I pity you.

Hi. - Oh, hey, Lynette.

You heading out now? - Yep.

I'll be home late, so just the usual routine.

A nap for penny and...

I know, no sugar after five. I got it.

You're the best.

Oh, one more thing.

Since the boys are having corndogs for dinner,

I'd like you to make sure they get a vegetable to go with it.

Brussels sprouts? - They're full of iron.

Make sure they clean their plates.

Not a problem. I have this trick.

I cover the veggies with some cheese.

Ooh. You sly dog.

That night Lynette settled in to watch her personal pick

for fell-good movie of the year.

You need to eat your Brussels sprouts.

Brussels sprouts? Disgusting! - I don't want this!

Hey! Yes, you do! Don't throw them.

Hey! Hey, stop it! - I hate Brussels sprouts!

You guys, stop it!

Do not throw them at me. Cut it out!

They operated, huh?

They sure did.

How'd it go?

It went well.

The surgeon says you're gonna be as good as new.

You look like you've been crying. - I have.

I was so afraid you were gonna die.

There's so many things I haven't had a chance to tell you.

I'm sorry you were so worried. - That's ok.

How are you now, Rex?

Are you strong enough

to listen to the things I need to tell you?

Sure, honey.

I know you still love me.

Maisy told me.

She did?

As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife.

I am gonna go out and find

the most vindictive lawyer I can find,

and together we are going to eviscerate you.

I am gonna take away your money,

your family and your dignity.

Do you hear me? - Bree...

And I am so thrilled to know that you still love me.

Because I want what's about to happen to you...

...to hurt as much as is humanly possible.

I'm so glad you didn't die before

I got a chance to tell you that.

Trust is a fragile thing.

Bye, guys! - Bye, mom!

Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom.

But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover.

Of course, the truth is, we never know who we can trust.

Those we're closest to can betray us.

Police, open up!

And total strangers can come to our rescue.

In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves.

It really is the simplest way

to keep from getting burned.

DH SE01 E11