Season-01

DH SE01 E01

Desperate Housewives Season-01 episode-01

My name is Mary Alice Young.

When you read this morning's paper,

you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week.

Normally, there's never anything newsworthy about my life,

but that all changed last thursday.

Of course, everything seemed quite normal at first.

I made breakfast for my family.

I performed my chores.

I completed my projects.

I ran my errands.

In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day,

quietly polishing the routine of my life

until it gleamed with perfection.

That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet

and retrieve a revolver that had never been used.

My body was discovered by my neighbor,

Mrs. Martha Huber,

who'd been startled by a strange popping sound.

Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason

for dropping in on me unannounced.

After some initial hesitation,

she decided to return the blender she

had borrowed from me six months before.

It's my neighbor. I think she's been shot.

There's blood everywhere.

Yes, you've got to send an ambulance.

You've got to send one right now.

And, for a moment,

Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen,

grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy.

But only for a moment.

If there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for,

it was her ability to look on the bright side.

I was laid to rest on a Monday.

After the funeral, all the residents of Wisteria Lane

came to pay their respects.

And, as people do in these situations,

they brought food.

Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken.

Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken.

Of course, she didn't cook much

while moving up the corporate ladder.

She didn't have the time.

But when her doctor announced she was pregnant,

her husband Tom had an idea.

"Why not quit your job?"

"Kids do better with stay-at-home moms."

"It would be so much less stressful."

But this was not the case.

In fact, Lynette's life had become so hectic

she was now forced to get her chicken

from the fast-food restaurant.

Lynette would've appreciated

the irony if she'd thought about it.

But she couldn't. She didn't have the time.

Stop it, stop it, stop it. - But, mom.

No. You are going to behave today.

I am not going to be humiliated

in front of the entire neighborhood.

And, just so you know how seerious I am...

What's that?

Santa's cell-phone number.

How did you get that?

I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf.

And if any of you acts up,

so help me, I will call Santa

and I will tell him you want socks for Christmas.

Are you willing to risk that?

Ok. Let's get this over with.

Gabrielle Solis who lives down the

block brought a spicy paella.

Since her modeling days in New York,

Gabrielle had developed a taste

for rich food...

...and rich men.

Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisitions,

proposed on their third date.

Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes.

But she soon discovered this happened

every time Carlos closed a big deal.

Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot.

However, her relationship with her

husband was considerably cooler.

If you talk to Al Mason at this thing,

I want you to casually mention

how much I paid for your necklace.

Why not pin the receipt to my chest?

He let me know how much he paid

for his wife's convertible.

Look, just work it into the conversation.

There's no way I can just work that in, Carlos.

Why not? At the Donahue party,

everyone was talking mutual funds.

You found a way to mentioned you slept with

half the Yankee outfield.

I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation.

Hey, people are starting to stare.

Can you keep your voice down, please?

Absolutely. We wouldn't want

them to think we're not happy.

Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door,

brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch.

Bree was known for her cooking,

and for making her own clothes,

and for doing her own gardening,

and for re-upholstering her own furniture.

Yes, Bree's many talents were known

throughout the neighborhood.

Everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of

Bree as the perfect wife and mother.

Everyone, that is, except her own family.

Paul. Zachary.

Hello, Mrs. Van De Kamp.

Bree, you shouldn't have gone to all this trouble.

It was no trouble at all.

Now, the basket with the red ribbon

is filled with desserts for your guests,

but the one with the blue ribbon

is just for you and Zachary.

It's got rolls, muffins,

breakfast type things.

Thank you.

Well, the least I could do is make sure

you boys had a decent meal

to look forward to in the morning.

I know you're out of your minds with grief.

Yes, we are.

Of course, I will need the baskets back once you're done.

Of course.

Susan Mayer, who lives across the street,

brought macaroni and cheese.

Her husband, Karl, always teased her about her macaroni,

saying it was the only thing she knew how

to cook and she rarely made it well.

It was too salty the night she

and Karl moved into their house.

It was too watery the night she

found lipstick on Karl's shirt.

She burned it the night Karl told her

he was leaving her for his secretary.

A year had passed since the divorce.

Susan had started to think how nice it

would be to have a man in her life.

Even one who would make fun of her cooking.

Mom, why would someone kill themselves?

Well, sometimes people are so unhappy,

they think that's the only way to solve their problems.

Mrs. Young always seemed happy. - Yeah.

Sometimes people pretend to be one way,

when they're totally different on the inside.

Oh, you mean like how dad's girlfriend always smiling and says

nice things, but we know she's a bitch.

I don't like that word, Julie.

But, yeah, that's a great example.

You're welcome.

What's going on?

Sorry I'm late.

Hi, Susan. - Hey.

So, what did Karl say when you confronted him?

You'll love this. He said...

"It doesn't mean anything. It was just sex."

Ah, yes, page one of the philanderer's handbook.

Yeah, and then he got this zen look on his face,

and he said, "you know, Susan,

most men live lives of quiet desperation."

Please tell me you punched him.

No. I said, "Really? And what do most women

lead lives of noisy fulfillment?"

Hmm. Good for you.

I mean, of all people,

did he have to bang his secretary?

I had that woman over for brunch.

It's like my grandmother always said --

an erect penis doesn't have a conscience.

Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.

This is half the reason I joined the NRA.

Well, when Rex started going to those medical conferences,

I wanted it in the back of his mind that

he had a loving wife at home

with a loaded Smith & Wesson.

Lynnie, Tom's always away on business.

Do you ever worry he might?

Oh, please, the man's gotten me pregnant three times in four years.

I wish he was having sex with someone else.

So, Susan, is he gonna stop seeing that woman?

I don't know.

I'm sorry, you guys, I just...

I just don't know how I'm gonna survive this.

Listen to me.

We all have moments of desperation.

If we can face them head-on, that's when

we'd find out how strong we really are.

Susan.

Susan.

I was just saying Paul wants us to go over on friday.

He needs us to go to Mary Alice's closet

and help pack up her things.

He says he can't face doing it by himself.

Sure. That's fine. - Are you ok?

Yeah. I'm just so angry.

If Mary Alice was having problems,

she should have come to us. She should've let us help her.

What problems could she have had? She was healthy,

had a great home, a nice family. Her life was...

Our life.

No. If Mary Alice was having a crisis,

we'd have known.

She lives 50 feet away, for god sakes.

Gabby, the woman killed herself.

Something must've been going on.

I wouldn't eat that if I were you. - Why?

I made it. Trust me.

Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?

No, I just refused to believe that anybody

can screw up macaroni and cheese.

Oh, my god.

How did you...? It tastes like

it's burnt and undercooked.

Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.

Thanks. I'm Mike Delfino.

I just started renting the Sims' house next door.

Susan Mayer. I live across the street.

Mrs. Huber told me about you,

said you illustrate children's books.

Yeah, I'm very big with the under-five set.

What do you do?

Plumber. So if you ever have a clog...

...or something.

Now that everybody's seen that I brought something,

I should probably just throw this out.

Ease up, you little vampire.

Lynette, I've been looking all over for you.

Are you aware of what your sons are doing?

Cannonball!

Stop!

What are you doing? We are at a wake.

Oh my god. You said we could go in the pool.

I said you could go by the pool.

Do you have your swimsuits on?

Yeah, we put 'em on ourselves before we left.

You three planned this? All right. That's it. Get out.

No. - No?

I am your mother. You have to do what I say. Come on.

We want to swim and you can't stop us!

Here.

No! - Get out.

Think I won't get in this pool and just grab you? Get out!

Get over here.

Get over here.

All right, give me your arm.

You...

That's right. Get over here.

Go, go, go, go, go. Move it.

Out. Get out.

Paul, we have to leave now.

Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Go.

Lynette shouldn't have been so concerned about my husband.

He had other things on his mind. Things below the surface.

The morning after my funeral, my friends

and neighbors quietly went back

to their busy, busy lives.

While some did their cooking...

...And some did their cleaning...

...And some did their yoga...

...Others...

...did their "homework".

Hi...

I'm Julie. I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard.

Oh, ok. Well, let's go round and get it.

Stay

His wife died a year ago. He wanted to stay in LA,

but here were too many memories.

He's renting for tax purposes,

but hopes to buy a place soon.

I can't believe you went over there

Hey, I saw you both flirting at the wake.

You are obviously into each other

Now you know he's single, you can ask him out.

Julie, I like Mr. Delfino, I do.

I just... I don't know if I'm ready to start dating yet.

You need to get back out there.

Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex?

Are you mad that I asked you that?

No, I'm trying to remember.

I don't want to talk to you about my love life any more.

It warns me out

I wouldn't have said anything.It's just...

What?

I heard dad's girlfriend ask if you'd

dated anyone since the divorce.

And dad said he doubted it.

And then they both laughed.

Hey, Susan.

Hi, Mike. I brought you a little house-warming gift.

I should've brought something by earlier, but

Actually, you're the first to stop by. - Really?

Susan knew she was lucky.

An eligible bachelor had moved on to Wisteria Lane - Welcome

and she was the first to find out.

But she also knew that good news...

Hello there. - ...Travels quickly.

Edie Britt was the most predatory

divorce in a five-block radius.

Her conquests were numerous.

Varied.

and legendary.

Hi, Susan. I hope I'm not interrupting.

You must be Mike Delfino.

Hi, I'm Edie... Britt.

I live over there.

Welcome to Wisteria Lane.

Susan had met the enemy. And she was a slut.

Thank you. What's this?

Sausage puttanesca.

It's just something I threw together.

Well, thanks, Edie.

That's... great. I'd invite you both in,

but I was sort of in the middle of something.

I'm late for an appointment.

I just wanted to say hi.

And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun.

For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie

would remain friendly.

Oh, Mike, I heard you're a plumber.

But she was reminded that when it came to men...

Do you think you could stop by later and take a look at my pipes?

...Women don't fight fair. - Sure.

Thanks.

Bye, Susan.

You can't order me around like I am a child.

Gabrielle.

No, no. I'm not going.

It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives.

Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.

I made over 200,000 doing business with him last year.

If he wants to grab your ass, you let him.

John.

Mr. Solis, you scared me.

Why is that bush there? You were supposed to dig it up last week.

I didn't have time. - I don't want to hear your excuses.

Just take care of it.

I really hate the way you talk to me.

And I hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace

which you couldn't live without.

But I'm learning to deal with it.

So can I tell Tanaka we'll be there tomorrow?

John, we have bandages top shelf in the kitchen.

Thanks, Mrs. Solis.

Fine, I'll go.

But I'm keeping my back pressed

against the wall the entire time.

See, now this is what a marriage is all about.

Compromise.

Is your finger ok? - Yeah, it's just a small cut.

Let me see. Mmm.

You know, Mrs. Solis, I really like it when we hook up,

but, um, you know, I got to get my work done and...

...I can't afford to lose this job.

This table was hand-carved.

Carlos had it imported from Italy.

It cost him $23,000.

You want to do it on the table this time?

Absolutely.

Why can't we ever have normal soup?

Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.

Just once,

couldn't we have a soup that people have heard of?

Like French onion or navy bean.

First of all, your father can't eat onions.

He's deathly allergic. And I won't

even dignify your navy bean suggestion.

So... how's the osso buco?

It's ok. - It's ok?

Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal.

How do you think it makes me feel when you

say "it's okay" in that sullen tone?

Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?

Excuse me?

Tim Harper's mom gets home from work,

pops open a can of pork and beans,

and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy.

You'd rather I serve pork and beans?

Apologize now. I am begging.

I'm saying,

do you always have to serve cuisine?

Can't we ever just have food?

Are you doing drugs? - What?

Change in behavior is one of the warning signs,

and you have been as fresh as

paint for the last six months.

That certainly would explain

why you're always locked in the bathroom.

Trust me, that is not what he is doing.

Shut up.

Mom, I'm not the one with the problem here, all right?

You're the one always acting like

she's running for mayor of Stepford.

Rex... Seeing that you're the head of this household,

I would really appreciate you saying something.

Pass thee salt?

Three days after my funeral,

Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion.

Indignation.

Tom, this is my fifth message,

and you still haven't called me back.

Well, you must be having a lot of fun

on your business trip. I can only imagine.

Well, guess what -- The kids and I want to have some fun, too,

so unless you call me back by noon,

we are getting on a plane and joining you.

Mom.

Not now. Mommy's threatening daddy.

Mom. - No, I...

Where are your brothers? - Noodles, my favorite.

Lyneettee Scavo? - Crap.

Natalie Klein. I don't believe it.

Lynette. How long has it been?

Years. Uh, how are you?

How's the firm?

Good. Everyone misses you.

We all say if you hadn't quit,

you'd be running the place by now.

Yeah, well.

So... How's domestic life?

Don't you just love being a mom?

And there it was. The question that Lynette always dreaded.

Well, to be honest...

For those who asked it, only one answer was acceptable,

So Lynette responded as she always did. She lied.

It's the best job I've ever had.

You know what I don't get? - What?

Why you married Mr. Solis.

Well... He promised to give me

everything I've ever wanted.

And did he? - Yes.

Then why aren't you happy?

Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.

So do you love him?

I do.

Well, then, why are we here? Why are we doing this?

Because I don't want to wake up one morning

with a sudden urge to blow my brains out.

Hey, can I have a drag? - Absolutely not.

You are much too young to smoke.

How would you feel about me using your

child-support payments for plastic surgery?

Stop being so nervous. You're just

asking him to dinner. No big deal.

You're right.

So is that your project for school?

You know, when I was in fifth grade,

I made the White House out of sugar cubes.

Stop stalling and go.

Before Mike figures out he can do better.

Tell me again why I fought for custody of you.

You were using me to hurt dad. - Oh, that's right.

Oh, god.

Hi. - Hey, Susan.

Are you busy?

No, not at all. What's up?

Well, I... I just, uh, was wondering if...

...if there was any chance that you, uh...

...I just wanted to ask if...

Edie. - Hey, there, Susan.

What are you...? - I was making ambrosia.

And I made too much so I thought

I'd bring some over to Mike.

What's going on?

Susan was just going to ask me something.

I have a clog. - Excuse me?

And you're a plumber, right? - Yeah.

The clog's in the pipe. - Yeah,

That's usually where they are.

Well, I've got one.

Ok. Let me get my tools.

Now? You want to come over now? You have company.

I don't mind.

Just give me two minutes. I'll be right over.

That's it.

Just stuff the hair down there. - I stuffed it.

It's not enough to clog it. - Here. Okay, look.

Put in this peanut butter

and this cooking oil.

Mom - And these olives.

Mom, I'm telling you, it's not working.

Oh, god. That's him.

How am I going to stop up the sink?

Well, here's your problem.

Looks like somebody stuffed

a bunch of popsicle sticks down here.

I've told Julie a million times

not to play in the kitchen. Kids, you know.

All right, I'll go put in your orders,

And I'll be right back with your drinks

and your plates for the salad bar.

Thank you.

Andrew, Danielle, napkins?

They have video games.

Could we go play until our food gets here?

Andrew, this is family time. I think that we should all

Go ahead and play.

I know that you think I'm angry about coming here,

but I'm not.

You and the kids wanted a change of pace,

something fun I get it.

Probably we'll want

something healthier tomorrow night, though.

I'm thinking about chicken Saltimbocca.

I want a divorcee.

I just can't live in this...

...this detergent commercial anymore

The salad bar's right over there. Help yourself.

Thank you.

Um, I think I'll go get your salad for you.

Bree Van De Kamp. - Oh. Hello, Mrs. Huber.

We didn't get a chance to talk at

Mary Alice's wake. How are you doing?

Bree longed to share the truth about

her husband's painful betrayal,

but sadly for Bree,

admitting defeat was not an option.

Great. Everything is just great.

Okay, well, I got you the honey mustard dressing.

The ranch looked just a little bit suspect.

Are we going to talk about what I said?

If you think I'm going to discuss the dissolution

of my marriage in a place

where the restrooms are labeled "chicks" and "dudes,"

you're out of your mind.

What's in this?

What do you mean, what's in this? It's salad.

With... with onions. - What?

You put onions in my salad. - No, I didn't.

Oh, wait.

The sound that awakened my son was

something he'd heard only once before.

Many years ago when he was quite young.

But he recognized it instantly.

It was the sound of a family secret.

Seven days after my funeral, life on Wisteria Lane

finally returned to normal.

Which, for some of my friends, was unfortunate.

Mommy, mommy! - Now what?

Daddy's home!

Come on! Hey, is anybody home?

I wasn't expecting you for a week.

I have to go back to 'Frisco in the morning.

But I got your call. You sounded frazzled.

Yeah.

It's been a little rough. - Hi. Yeah. Peaches.

Did you buy us any presents?

Oh, god, presents. Wait up. Let me see.

Ohhh! - Yeah!

But I'm not giving it to you unless

you promise to go outside right now

and practise throwing for 20 minutes. You promise?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! - Punks. Get out!

Who's open? Go out. Deeper. Deeper. Touchdown!

Oh, my god.

Oh, no.

You got to be kidding. I'm exhausted.

I look terrible. I'm covered in peaches.

I'm sorry, baby. I got to have you.

Well, is it ok if I just lie here?

Absolutely.

I love you. - I love you more.

Wait. I gotta tell you I was having trouble with swelling.

The doctor took me off the pill.

You just gotta put on a condom.

A condom? - Yeah.

What's the big deal? Let's risk it.

Let's risk it? - Yeah.

I can't believe you tried to kill me.

Yes, well, I feel badly about that.

I told you Mrs. Huber came over

and I got distracted. It was a mistake.

Since when do you make mistakes?

What does that mean?

It means I'm sick of you being

so damn perfect all the time.

I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move.

I'm sick of you making our bed in the

morning before I've used the bathroom.

You're this plastic suburban housewife,

with her pearls and spatula,

who says things like "we owe the Hendersons a dinner."

Where's the woman I fell in love with...

...Who used to burn the toast and

drink milk out of the carton?

and laugh.

I need her.

Not this cold, perfect thing you've become.

These need water.

Bree sobbed quietly in the restroom for five minutes,

but her husband never knew.

Because when Bree finally emerged...

...she was perfect.

I found my earrings. We can go now.

Was John here today?

Well, yeah.

The lawn hasn't been mowed. I've had it.

We're getting a real gardener.

Why? - Are you deaf?

I just said he's not doing his job.

It's dark. You just can't see the lawn has been mowed.

It hasn't been. Feel this grass.

I'm not feeling the grass.

Let's just get going. Come on, we're late.

Take care of it. - Yes, sir.

There's Tanaka. Time for me to go and do my dance.

Good luck, sweetheart.

Excuse me. - Ma'am.

You see that man just walked away?

Can you make sure he has a drink in his hand all night long?

Yes, ma'am.

Susan? Susan! - Mrs. Huber, how are you doing?

Not too well, I'm afraid.

I'm trying to find something to soothe my stomach.

It's upset? - Yeah.

I had the worst macaroni and cheese at the wake.

It's been running through me ever since.

And I need to be at my best.

Edie Britt's son is spending the night tonight.

He's spending the night?

Apparently Edie is having a gentleman friend over for dinner,

and I think she plans on entertaining into the wee hours,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, here's some antacid. Have you ever tried this?

I can't believe it. This can't be happening.

Mike can't like Edie better than me. He just can't.

You don't know what's going on.

Maybe they're just having dinner.

You're right. They're doing it.

Edie?

Edie?

Hello? Anybody home?

I need to borrow sugar.

Oh, my god! Oh, yes! Give it to me!

And just like that, the possibility Susan had clung to,

the maybe of Mike Delfino, was gone forever.

And despite the precariousness of her situation,

Susan took a moment to mourn her loss.

It didn't take Susan long to realize,

this was just not her night.

Is somebody out there?

Oh, my god! That's smoke!

Oh, my god.

She left candles unattended in the den.

Paramedic said she was lucky.

She could've been killed.

She ran out with nothing on.

She was having sex with some guy when the fire started.

What happened to him?

He got smoke inhalation. He's at the hospital.

Susan, are you all right? You look awful.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I just, uh, feel really bad for Edie.

Oh, honey, don't worry about Edie. She's a strong lady.

Absolutely. She'll get through this.

She'll find a way to survive.

We all do.

Come on.

Wow! What happened? - Mike!

And suddenly there he was.

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

I... I thought you were... Uh... Where were you?

I just got back from the movies. Edie had a fire, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, but she's fine now.

Everything's fine now.

And just like that, Susan was happy.

Life was suddenly full of... possibilities.

Not to mention a few unexpected surprises.

Hello. - It's me.

Have anything yet? - No, nothing yet.

But don't worry. I'm definitely getting closer.

I brought some champagne.

I thought we should have a toast.

The next day my friends came together

to pack away my clothes,

my personal belongings and what was left of my life.

All right, ladies, lift 'em up.

To Mary Alice, a good friend and neighbor.

Wherever you are, we hope you've found peace.

To Mary Alice. - To Mary Alice.

Let's get this show on the road.

You guys, check out Mary Alice's clothes.

Size eight? Ha! She always told me she was a size six.

We found the skeleton in her closet.

Not quite, Gabrielle, not quite.

What's that? - A letter addressed to Mary Alice.

How ironic.

To have something I tried so desperately to keep secret,

treated so casually.

What are you doing? That's private.

It's open. What's the big deal?

What does this mean?

I don't know. But check out the postmark.

Oh, my god. She got it the day she died.

Do you think this is why she...?

I'm so sorry, girls.

I never wanted you to be burdened with this.

Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

DH SE01 E02

If Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis,

we'd have known.

She lives 50 feet away, for god's sakes.

Gabby, the woman killed herlf.

Something must have been going on.

Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.

I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year.

If he wants to grab your ass, you let him.

Why aren't you happy?

Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.

What's that?

It's a letter addressed to Mary Alice.

Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

An odd thing happens when we die.

Our senses vanish.

Taste, touch, smell, and sound

become a distant memory,

but our sight -- ah, our sight expands,

and we can suddenly see the world we've left behind so clearly.

Of course, most of what's visible to the dead

could also be seen by the living,

if they'd only take the time to look.

Like my friend Gabrielle.

I should have seen how unhappy she was,

but I didn't.

I only saw her clothes from Paris...

and her platinum jewelry...

and her brand-new diamond watch.

Had I looked closer,

I'd have seen that Gabrielle was a drowning woman

desperately in search of a life raft.

Luckily for her, she found one.

Of course, Gabrielle only saw her young gardener

as a way to infuse her life with a little excitement.

But now she was about to discover

just how exciting her life could get.

Damn it.

Come on, come on, come on! Hurry up! Let's go!

Where are the rest of my clothes?

I'll find them. Just get out.

Where?

Out the window. - What?

Go, go, go, go, go!

Hi, honey. You're home early.

My meeting got canceled.

Didn't you take a shower this morning?

I, uh, I just finished a workout.

Where's John?

John?

Yeah. That's his truck out front.

Gabrielle was panicked.

She knew if her husband discovered her secret,

she would feel the full force of his wrath.

Hey, Mr. Solis.

Hey, John, take care of that ficus yet?

I'll get to it as soon as I'm done here. - All right.

But she was quickly reminded that...

What Carlos couldn't see...

Yeah, sure. No problem.

couldn't hurt her.

The peaceful facade of Wisteria Lane had recently been shattered,

first by my suicide...

and then by the discovery of a note among my belongings

that suggested a suspicious reason for my desperate act.

My friends gathered to discuss its implications.

I think we should give it to Paul.

He's still mourning, Susan.

He'll probably freak out.

It doesn't matter. She was his wife.

He deserves to have all the facts.

Well, we could do it gently.

We could tell him about it over coffee and pastry.

That would be fun.

"Paul, we have proof your wife killed herself

over some deep, dark secret.

Another bear claw?"

We could always call the police.

Maybe it's just some sort of sick joke.

Well, if it was a joke, it was in very poor taste.

No, this was serious. I know it was.

We got to find out what was going on.

Let's say we do.

There's a chance we're not going to like what we find.

Well, isn't it worse to be in the dark?

I mean, imagining she did all these horrible things.

It's the age-old question, isn't it?

How much do we really want to know about our neighbors?

My friends were right to be concerned.

They knew that every family has its secrets,

and as my son and husband could have told them,

you need to think carefully before digging them up.

After talking for hours,

my friends still hadn't agreed on

what to do with the note.

So they decided to talk about it in the morning

after a good night's rest.

But no one could fall sleep that night.

They each kept thinking of my suicide

and how terribly alone I must have felt.

You see, loneliness was something

my friends understood all too well.

It's okay. I'm up.

Good.

I have a question for you.

OK.

Do you remember when you proposed?

For god's sake --

We sat on Skyline Drive and drank a bottle of apple wine,

and when we finished it, you turned to me, and you said,

"if you marry me, Bree Mason,

I promise to love you for the rest of my life."

And even though I was engaged to Ty Grant,

and even though my father didn't like you,

I said yes.

That was a long time ago.

You're going to cancel the meeting with that divorce lawyer,

and we're going to find ourselves a marriage counselor.

Bree... - You promised.

All right.

Good. I'm going to go, uh, make myself some warm milk.

Would you like something to drink?

Anything but apple wine.

Susan awoke that night alone and parched,

but as she gazed out her window,

she saw the tall drink of water she needed to quench her thirst.

"Dear diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive."

Shut up.

If you want to date him, you're going to have to ask him out.

I keep hoping he'll ask me out.

How's that going?

Shouldn't you be making brownies

for your nerdy friends?

I can't find the measuring cup. Have you seen it?

The measuring cup?

Yeah.

I -- well, it's -- it's got to be here somewhere.

Just keep looking.

I know you're awake.

I know you're a jerk.

Dinner with Tanaka ran long. I'm sorry.

You know, Carlos, I didn't marry you

so I could have dinner by myself six times a week.

You know how bored I was today?

I came this close to actually cleaning the house.

Don't be that way. I got you a gift.

Nope. No, no, no, no.

You're not going to buy your way out of this one.

It's a good gift.

Is that white gold?

Yeah. Put it on...

and then make love to me.

I'm not in the mood.

But we could stay up and talk.

When a man buys a woman expensive jewelry,

there are many things he may want in return, for future reference,

conversation ain't one of them.

Hey, that was a joke. - Yeah, right.

What the hell is wrong with you? - Let go of me.

Hey, you've been acting like a nightmare for a month. What's wrong?

I can't fix it unless you tell me.

It's not exciting anymore, Carlos.

So what am I supposed to do?

I don't know.

Be the way you used to be.

Surprise me. Take my breath away.

Okay.

Okay.

Hey, Susan. - Mike.

What's wrong?

I didn't realize anybody was going to be out here.

I just sort of rolled out of bed.

I'm sure you look fine.

Oh, Bongo, stop.

Sorry, uh... he scares easy.

No, it-- it's fine. I-I get it.

I didn't mean to disturb you.

I'll see you later.

Do you want to have dinner with me?

Just the two of us?

Well... and Julie.

It's a thing we do when somebody new moves into the neighborhood,

we invite them over for a home-cooked meal.

Sort of a tradition.

I thought you were a lousy cook.

Well, I order take-out.

You invite 'em for home-cooking and give 'em take-out?

Yeah, ah, it's sort of a new tradition.

I'm working out the kinks.

I'll tell you what. How about I cook?

You guys come over to my place.

Oh, great.

Friday night at six? - I'll be there.

Right. Come on.

Bye, Bongo.

Julie! Mike Delfino just invited us

to dinner Friday night.

He did? Cool.

But only I'm going because you're

gonna come down with something serious

that requires bed rest and fluids.

Julie was glad Susan was rekindling her love life.

Of course, she was unaware of her

mother's recent track record with fire.

It's all gone. Everything my ex-husband

worked for all those years, gone.

Don't worry about clothing.

I already started a collection from the neighborhood.

What? I don't want to wear other people's old crap.

Edie, you can be homeless or ungracious.

You really can't afford to be both.

That reminds me. My insurance check still hasn't come yet.

Could I stay with you a few more weeks?

Of course. What kind of christian would I be

if I denied shelter to a friend in need?

Oh, look. Here's something we can salvage.

Your measuring cup.

We can scrape of the burnt part and

it'll look good as new.

That's not my cup. Mine was plastic.

Well, how did it get in here?

I don't know. Who cares?

Now, would you put that down and start looking for jewelry?

Dr. Albert Goldfine was the most accomplished

marriage counselor in the city.

He had dealt with problems ranging from substance abuse...

...to infidelity...

...to domestic violence.

Yes, Dr. Goldfine thought he had seen it all.

And then he met the Van de Kamps.

Hi. I'm Bree. And this is my husband Rex.

And I brought you some homemade potpourri.

The answer is yes.

You're about to make a fortune off us.

Ah, get off! - Boys!

Guys, I'm begging you.

Sit in your seats.

I'm not gonna tell you again. Buckle up.

I mean it, so help me...

Oh, shoot. Crap!

I was playing with it first!

License and registration, please.

Ma'am, you know why I pulled you over?

I have a theory.

The kids should be sitting wearing seat belts.

I yelled at them. They never listen. It's very frustrating.

You have to find a way to control them.

After all, that's your job.

Though he'd been a policeman for six years,

officer Hayes had never found himself

in a truly dangerous situation.

Then again, he had never before told

a woman how to raise her children.

Are you saying I'm a bad mother?

Get back in your car, please.

I have no help. My husband's always away on business.

I'm gonna have to ask you to step back now.

My babysitter joined the witness relocation program.

I haven't slept through the night...

...in six years - Ma'am.

And for you to stand there and judge me...

Ok. I'm not gonna give you a ticket.

I'm just gonna let you off with a warning.

I accept your apology.

Mom! He's kicking me again!

Buckle up.

Mrs. Solis. - Hello, Jonathan.

Well, this is my room. Sorry about the mess.

Oh, uh, don't worry about it.

You just missed my mom.

On friday,she coaches my sister's soccer team.

Yes, I heard that.

John, we need to talk about what happened the other day.

Mr. Solis isn't catching on, is he?

No, no, he doesn't have a clue, god love him.

It's just I was thinking that when you come over to garden,

you might actually have to garden.

Great, you're breaking up with me.

In my own bedroom.

No, no. I'm not dumping you.

Lately, you've been the only thing keeping me going.

But we can't do it at my house anymore.

Oh, so then, where do you want to do it?

Well, what time does your mom get back from soccer practise?

Mrs. Solis!

Better hurry. We don't have much time.

And so there's just the four of us.

My older son, Andrew, is 16, Danielle is 15 and...

I don't need to see pictures. Bree,

you've spent most of the hour

engaging in small talk.

Oh, have I ? - Yes.

Rex has been very vocal about his issues.

Don't you want to discuss your feelings about your marriage?

Um, doc...

This is the thing you got to know about Bree.

She doesn't like to talk about her feelings.

To be honest, it's hard to know if she has any.

Does she feel anger, rage, ecstasy?

Who knows?

She's always pleasant, and I can't

tell you how annoying that is.

Whatever she feels, it's so far below the surface,

no one can see it.

I feel like she's using all these...

Bree?

Bree? - What? I'm sorry.

Would you like to respond to what Rex just said?

Oh, um... - Is there some truth there?

Do you use housework as a way to disengage emotionally?

Of course not!

This is great. I got tons of homework tonight.

It's easy to concentrate after sex.

I'm glad I could help.

Education's very important.

Oh, I got something for you.

I was gonna give it to you next time I

mowed your lawn, but since you're here.

Oh, it's a rose. - It's not just any rose.

Look at all the petals. There's no flaws.

It's perfect. - Oh, John.

Just like you.

The truth hit her like a thunderbolt.

I spent days looking for just the right one.

I finally found it.

For John,

this was no longer a meaningless little affair.

Gabrielle could now clearly see

he was falling in love with her.

It's just beautiful.

I... I got to go.

Goodbye.

Hey, you. What are we having?

I talked to Julie and she suggested rib-eye steaks.

She said that's your favorite. - I love my steak.

Hi, Mike.

Susan.

Edie.

I'm sorry about your house. How you holding up?

All right, I guess. Oh, is somebody having a party?

No, Susan's just throwing me

a traditional welcome dinner.

Only I'm cooking. And having it at my house.

Traditional? Hm! I didn't get one.

Oh, it's a new tradition.

It won't be anything fancy. Just a little home cooking.

Mm. That sounds so good.

Susan suddenly had an awful

feeling in the pit of her stomach.

I've been having nothing but fast food lately.

As if she was watching an accident in slow motion.

She knew it would happen, but was powerless to stop it.

Edie, would you like to join us for dinner?

Oh, that's so sweet. No, I don't

want to intrude. Three's a crowd.

No, it's not like that. I mean, Susan's bringing Julie.

It's not like that. The more the merrier.

Well, this'll be fun. - All right. Tomorrow night.

We'll eat at six. - Great.

Oh, and Susan... - Yeah?

This'll make up for the dinner that you never threw me.

Right.

Ta-ta.

Should I have told her we were having steak.

She's not a vegetarian or something?

Oh, no.

No, Edie's definitely a carnivore.

Here's, um...

Here's what I pulled for Edie.

Most of the clothes aren't that stylish.

Don't worry about it. Edie's a beggar now,

which means she can't be a chooser.

Of course, we don't have to add salt to the wound.

Listen, I was just getting dinner ready...

Say no more. I'll get out of your hair.

No, no.

By the way, was that you I saw getting pulled

over by a policeman?

Yeah, the boys were acting up in the car,

I couldn't get them to sit down.

Young boys can be so willful.

I try everything.

I scream. I threaten. I reason.

I beg. Nothing works.

I don't know if it's because

they're too young and they don't understand,

or if they're just getting some perverse joy out of testing me.

My mother used to have the worst time with me in the car,

so one time when I was acting up,

she stopped and left me on the side of the road,

and she drove off.

You're kidding?

Oh, she came back immediately,

but I never misbehaved in the car again.

You should try that.

Mrs. Huber, I could never leave

my kids by the side of the road.

When it comes to discipline,

sometimes you must be creative.

My mother knew that. Smart lady.

Of course, she's in a home now.

And her mind has just turned to mush.

Well, like I said, I should go back and get dinner ready.

Oh, right, well... Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Susan, have you been able to find old clothes for Edie?

She has nothing to wear.

I thought that was the look she was going for.

Oh, Susan, Edie may be trash,

but she's still a human being.

Zach, is your dad home? I need to talk to him.

Hey, Paul, I hope I'm not interrupting.

Actually, I was getting ready to go somewhere.

I just wanted to come by and say hello,

you know, see how you guys are doing.

We're trying to move on. It's been pretty tough.

I can only imagine.

Not knowing why Mary Alice...

Why what? - Why she did it.

Oh. Here, let me help you. - I've got it. I've got it.

I'm sorry if I upset you.

Can I be frank?

Of course.

I don't care what her reasons were.

Maybe she was depressed, maybe she was bored.

It doesn't matter.

She abandoned her husband and her son

and I'll never forgive her.

As I watched Susan, I couldn't help feeling sorry for her.

She wanted so much to know why I did it.

Why I killed myself.

It's not enough to want the truth.

You must know where to look for it.

And the truth is elusive

because it knows where to hide.

Hello, Julie, I talked to your mom

about donating some clothes for Edie.

She's at Mrs. Van De Kamp's,

but I'll see if she left some stuff upstairs.

Oh, Julie, I-I was, um, just admiring your new measuring cup.

Yeah, we've lost ours. - Really?

So I couldn't find the clothes. Sorry.

That's ok.

If you want me to keep looking.

No. You've done more than enough.

Truly.

Bree. Rex just called. He won't be able to meet you here today.

Apparently, there was an emergency at the hospital.

Oh, well, I wish he'd called me.

He suggested perhaps you'd like to meet with me by yourself.

You've been very quiet in our joint sessions.

What?

Oh, oh, oh, no, thank you.

I have some things I need to do today.

Are you sure? - Uh, yeah, I'm sure.

Ok.

Dr. Goldfine, there is something you can do for me.

What's that? - Take off your coat.

So you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike?

Well, if Edie's gonna be there,

I'll need emotional support.

I can't believe she wormed her way in.

How did you let her do that?

I don't know. I was going to take her out at the knees,

but it all happened so fast.

Well, you know what you need to do.

You need to get there early,

spend a little time with Mike before the little barracuda gets there.

That's a good idea. Edie will get there at 5:45,

which means her breasts will arrive at 5:30,

so I should shoot for 5:00.

That a girl.

I'm just going to take these upstairs.

I'm going to keep my one little bag and go home.

That is a beautiful rose. Where did you get it?

Oh, John gave it to me.

John... your gardener, he gave you a rose?

Yes... I am having some new bushes planted outside,

and he gave me that as a color palette.

Ok.

Sure is beautiful, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

I'm sure Freud would not approve of this.

Oh, who cares what he thinks?

I took psychology in college.

We learned all about Freud.

A miserable human being.

What makes you say that?

Think about it.

He grew up in the late 1800s.

There were no appliances back then.

His mother had to do everything by hand,

just backbreaking work from sun up to sundown.

Not to mention the countless

other sacrifices she had to make

to take care of her family, and what does he do?

He becomes famous peddling a theory

that the problems of most adults

can be traced back to

something awful their mother has done.

She must've felt so betrayed.

He saw how hard she worked.

He saw what she did for him.

Did he even ever think to say thank you?

I doubt it.

There you go.

Just so you know, many of Freud's

theories have been discredited.

Good.

Boys, I am not gonna tell you again. Sit.

I mean it. I am serious.

You guys are gonna be in so much trouble

if you don't sit back in those seats.

For the first time,

Lynette could see this was not the innocent play of children.

She was being challenged.

So she decided it was time to get creative.

Out! Can't behave,

you heard me, you cannot ride.

You, out, move it.

Where is she going?

Ok. Mommy's a genius.

Five, six, all right.

Uh, mommy'll be right back.

Boys? Boys?

Boys?!

Porter! Preston! Parker!

If you're hiding, you've got to stop now,

cause mommy doesn't think it's funny!

Oh! excuse me.

I'm sorry. I'm looking for my boys.

Three boys with red hair. Have you seen them?

Yeah. I also saw you drive away and leave them.

I know. I was just trying to scare them into behaving.

Did you see where they went?

Yeah, they're in my kitchen.

Listen, it seems to me that you

have some anger management issues.

I have four kids under six.

I absolutely have anger management issues.

I think you need to talk to somebody

because abandoning your children...

I didn't abandon them. I came back.

I'm just saying it's not normal.

My kids aren't normal

and now I don't have time for this, lady, so --

Boys, get out here.

I don't think they should go anywhere

until you calm down.

Get in the car. - She's got cookies.

Bring them, we're leaving. - Stay put.

I don't think so. Oh! - Listen, lady...

Leave my mommy alone. - Let go of me.

What's the matter with you? - Son of bi... Ah!

Run, boys, run! - Come on!

Oh, crap. - Get back here.

Boys, you're gonna need to put on your...

Get back or I'm gonna call social services.

Oh, my god! Carlos, what have you done?

I saw it when I drove by the dealership.

I thought Gabrielle will look beautiful in this.

Carlos!

It cost me an arm and a leg.

It's got GPS navigation, 200 watt stereo system...

It is beautiful.

So did I take your breath away?

Absolutely.

Is it the best gift you've ever gotten?

Gabrielle could see what this gesture had cost Carlos,

so she responded the only way she knew how.

She had a feeling the truth would've

been lost on her husband anyway.

After all, it's the rare man who understands the value

of a single perfect rose.

Susan. - I hope you don't mind.

I came by early to help you set up.

Oh, um... - Hey, Susan.

Don't worry, we have everything under control.

Bongo! I don't know why he barks at you.

I wouldn't take it personally.

Dogs are very sensitive.

What's up, Bongo?

You never know what freaks them out, huh?

In the distance, Susan thought she heard a bell ring.

Is it a strange noise?

What is it? A weird smell?

Round one...had started.

All I'm saying is

this whole it takes two to mess

up a marriage theory is bull.

The problems that we have are because of her.

That is not true, Rex.

What have I been doing for the past

20 years that's been so awful?

You're not saying anything because

I've been a great husband.

And it kills you to admit that.

Rex, I'm curious.

Do you ever acknowledge the benefits of living with Bree?

Huh? - By your own admission,

your home's always clean,

your clothes always freshly pressed,

sounds like a wonderful cook,

despite her flaws,

do you ever remember to say thank you?

Thank you? - Yes.

Bongo! Get down! Down!

Go away. - Down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

So who's the guy that lives across from Mrs. Huber again?

That's Mr. Mullen. If he invites you in,

you have to meet all of his pets.

That's ok. I love animals.

He's a taxidermist.

Oh, ok, thanks for the warning.

Isn't Mr. Mullen's brother your divorce attorney?

Uh, yes, yes, he was.

Can I say something?

In my heart, I still believe that you

and Karl are gonna get back together.

Really? - Oh, yeah.

I've never seen two people more in love.

She's never gonna find that kind of

chemistry with another man. Never.

It was everything Susan could do to keep a smile on her face.

Round two was underway,

and she was already taking a beating.

You know, Mrs. Britt...

What Edie hadn't counted on...

I always liked...

Susan had someone in her corner.

Mr. Rothwell, your fourth husband.

He was my second husband. I've only been married twice.

Twice? You weren't married to the tattooed

guy they took away in handcuffs?

No, Julie, she wasn't married to Javier.

That was just one of her special friends.

I think we should change the subject.

Unless you want to keep talking about it.

Bongo, get down. - Wait.

Let me show you something. - He loves that gravy.

Come. While you were in there tossing a salad,

I taught him something.

Up. Oh...

Susan was furious with Edie

for using a dog to ingratiate herself with its owner.

She was also furious with Mike for not

seing through this blatant maneuver.

But mostly...

...I'm gonna get the desserts.

...She was furious with herself for not having thought of it first.

I can barely get him to sit.

Best dog ever. Yes, you are.

I've never seen him walk on two legs.

He knows who to come to.

Here's your dessert.

Thank you. Mike, this looks yummy.

Oh, look at that. Looks like bongo's

finally warming up to Susan.

Ooh, we just got off on the wrong foot.

We're best buddies now.

Oh, what a good boy!

Bango, are you ok? - What's wrong with him?

I don't know.

I've never heard him make that sound.

You ok, fella? - Mom?

You all right?

Where is your earring?

You ok?

Call the vet, the number's on the fridge.

Tell him I'll be right there.

Don't worry.

I'll stay here and get everything cleaned up.

Thanks, Edie.

Is there anything I can do?

No.

How's Bongo doing?

I'm waiting to see if they'll have to operate.

Oh, god!

I stopped and I got this for...

I am just so sorry for this.

I'm really sorry I snapped at you. I just...

Oh, no, it's ok. - Good news.

We won't have to do surgery. - Oh, that's great.

We've given him something to help pass the earring.

When he does, would you like us to retrieve it for you?

I'm gonna say no.

Ok. You should be able to take him home in about an hour.

Wow. You must be so relieved.

I'm sorry, I was just really worried.

It was your dog. I get it.

Actually, he was my wife's dog,

one of the last thing's she said to

me in the hospital before she died

was to be sure I looked after

him and I promised her I would.

And just like that,

Susan could suddenly see something she'd never seen before.

He, uh, meant so much to her.

Mike Delfino was still in love with his late wife.

And if something had happened,

I would've felt like I'd failed her.

I know that sounds stupid, but...

And she knew right then,

neither she nor Edie would be laying

claim to his heart any time soon.

No, it doesn't. Not at all.

So she decided, for now, she could

settle for just being his friend.

This is for you.

Well, for Bongo. You give it to him.

Yes, as I look back at the world I left behind,

it's all so clear to me.

The beauty that waits to be unveiled.

The mysteries that long to be uncovered

But people so rarely stop to take a look.

They just keep moving.

It's a shame, really.

There's so much to see

DH SE01 E03

She was his wife.

He deserves to have all the facts.

She abandoned her husband and her son and I'll never forgive her.

It's the age-old question,

how much do we want to know about our neighbors?

You gonna cancel the meeting with the divorce lawyer.

We'll find a marriage councilor.

I'm Mike Deifino.

Susan Mayer. I live across the street.

If you wanna dating him,

you're gonna have to ask him out.

I keep hoping he'll ask me out.

I really hate the way you talk to me.

I really hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace,

but I'm learning to deal with it.

Do you love him? - I do.

So then why are we here? Why are we doing this?

Because I don't want to wake up one morning,

With a sudden urge to blow my brains out.

After I died,

I began to surrender the parts of

myself that were no longer necessary.

My desires, beliefs, ambitions, doubts --

every trace of my humanity was discarded.

I discovered when moving through eternity,

it helps to travel lightly.

In fact, I held on to only one thing

my memory.

It's astonishing to look back on the world I left behind

I remember it all -- every single detail.

Like my friend Bree Van de Kamp.

I remember the easy confidence of her smile,

the gentle elegance of her hands,

the refined warmth of her voice.

But what I remember most about Bree

Rex, wasn't that lovely --

Was the look of fear in her eyes.

Bree had started to realize her world was unraveling,

and for a woman who despised loose ends,

that was unacceptable.

Rex. Rex. You need to get up.

It's not even light out.

Please hurry.

If the kids see you sleeping down here,

they're going to start asking questions.

Let 'em ask. I don't care anymore.

Well, I care.

They don't need to be burden with our marital problems

While we're working things out, the least

we can do is try to keep up appearances.

Oh, yeah. Appearances.

I keep forgetting about appearances.

Oh, Rex, you look so tired.

I didn't sleep.

This damn thing is so uncomfortable.

Well, why don't you move back upstairs and sleep in our bed?

We're in marriage counseling, Bree.

I think that would confuse things.

It's just--

I miss you.

I know you do.

Of course, if I don't find out start

getting some sleep, pretty soon

I'll be forced to move back upstairs out of sure exhaustion.

Yes, Bree was afraid of many things,

but if there was one thing she wasn't afraid of...

it was a challenge.

The day on Wisteria Lane began like any other.

With a cup of coffee and the moring paper.

Just give me a second....

And while Lynette read the business section.

And Gabrielle studied the fall collections

And Bree searched for decorating ideas

Susan scanned the front page and saw something

that caught her eye

What's about time.

Be nice. I come bearing snacks.

Lynette, these cards are sticky

I know. Preston used the three of diamonds

to took scoop jam out of the jar.

Gorgeous, thankful we have 49 cards to play with.

Hello. Sorry I'm late.

So, Susan and I was just telling the girls,

I want to throw a dinner party

Really? - Yes.

Well how long have we all lived on this street

we've never done a big group thing

I think it's a great idea

Paul never likes to have people over

but the heck with him I'm doing it.

So when is this shindig?

How about a month from tonight?

That would be the 16th. Good for everyone?

Works for me. Should we all make something?

Oh, no. This is my party.

I've been wanting to have everyone over for years.

I'm so happy we're finally doing this.

It's gonna be so much fun.

I know. Her dinner.

How could we have all forgotten about this?

We didn't exactly forget, it's just usually

when the hostess dies the party's off.

Lynette

I'm not being flip. I'm just pointing out a reality.

Mary Alice was so excited about it.

It's so sad.

I think we should go through with it.

Really? Wouldn't that be in poor taste?

No. It's sort of a way to honor Mary Alice.

It was so important to her

We could all use a fun night.

Well, good, because I have some new flour

that I have been just dying to show off.

Lynette?

I'm in. - I'll make braised lamb shanks.

I'm still in.

So how many I will be cooking for?

Seven. Three couples and Susan. Does that sound right?

No, it sounds very, very wrong.

Is there somebody you'd like to invite?

I have an idea.

A dinner party.

Honey, I may be working late.

The Dillman proposal's a complete mess.

No, no, you promised to be home every night this week.

I'll try but I can't guarantee anything.

This is business.

Says the prince as he rides off into the sunset.

Boy the movies ever get that wrong.

You know what your problem is?

You're very tense.

You should go to a spa or go shopping.

Find a way to relax.

Hello?

Where are you?

Algebra.

You free at 4:00?

I'm not sure. I got track after school.

Well, get here as fast as you can.

My husband says I need to relax.

You, uh, want me to keep my gym clothes on like last time?

If you would, please.

A dinner party?

Yeah, it'll be fun.

Bree's cooking, everyone's coming.

You know what? I haven't even had

a chance to unpack yet, honey.

I just, uh, I just need to chill out for the next few days.

Oh, Tom.

There'll be liquor and hors d'oeuvres and

grownups without children and -- and silverware.

Remember silverware?

Honey, can you take this in for me?

Have you heard anything I just said?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just -- I'm wiped out.

Three cities in six days -- my head is just pounding.

I'm not ready for a dinner party.

I already got a sitter.

Can you cancel her?

Please? Look, let's just stay in tomorrow night.

We can get a bottle of wine and rent a video,

and-I just want to hang out with my best gal.

That's all.

I was looking so forward to a night out.

I know, sweetie, I'm sorry, but...

I'm beat.

I mean, do you remember what it

was like to work a 60-hour week?

A dinner party?

Do I have to go?

Well, given that we're hosting it, I'd say so.

By the way, you won't be drinking at this party.

Why is that?

Because when you drink, you get chatty.

No one needs to know that we're seeing Dr. Goldfine.

You know, if you spent half as much time working

on our problems as you do covering them --

Not a drop.

You know, this -- this is ridiculous.

And this whole thing about us taking tennis lessons?

Well, the nurses at your office may start wondering

why you're disappearing three times a week.

Tennis lessons are a plausible alibi.

All right so, these tennis lessons we're taking --

how are we doing?

My backhand's improving immensely,

but you're still having problems with your serve.

Of course.

A dinner party?

It's tomorrow night, so if you could

just keep Julie an extra day.

Fine, but that's all. Brandi and I leave

sunday for a week up at the cabin.

What cabin?

Brandi wanted some place where we could get away.

Escrow just closed yesterday.

You can afford a cabin,

but you can't scrape up child support?

The check is in the mail.

Oh. No, it's not.

I found my dental guard. I'm ready.

Stop fighting.

We are being as nice as we possibly can to one another.

Like I said, stop fighting.

Excuse me, Brandi.

Do you mind?

Oh, okay.

Wait. Susan, you're right there. You can pick it up.

I could, but she's the one who threw it.

Come on. Don't be petulant.

Just pick up the stupid can.

No.

I can pick it up.

Honey, stay out of this.

Fine.

This is so typical.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was that petulant, too?

You know what? You can pick up the damn can yourself.

Yeah, well, you just go to hell.

You want me to pick it up?

Mrs. Warmington said she looked for

mom's obituary and couldn't find it.

Did you put one in?

I've had other things on my mind, Zack.

But how could you not do that?

People are going to think we didn't care about her.

I doubt people will give it much thought.

Don't worry about it.

You never talk about her.

She hasn't even been dead a month,

and it's like you've totally forgotten she ever existed.

It's a little early for this kind of talk.

Maybe when you die,

I won't put in an obituary.

That will be your choice to make.

Assuming you outlive me.

Mom, it's no big deal.

Carlos and I are driving in for the baptism.

Problem solved.

Okay, fine.

You go with aunt Maria,

and I will take Nana to church.

Take your clothes off.

Okay. I got to go, mom.

Yes, right now.

Okay, you can give me directions later. Bye.

Hi. How was school?

Got an a-minus on my biology exam.

You did?

Well, let's see what you've learned.

Who's that?

I don't know.

Hey, you!

So did Mike say anything?

No, but, god, you should have seen the look on his face.

I'm sure it's not that bad.

I mean, he's coming to the party, right?

I left three messages.

Oh, he's not going to come. Big surprise.

I did everything but foam at the mouth.

God, I hate when I get that way.

It's like every time I get within 10 feet

of Carl, I just become this monster.

You know what? It's not going to change until

you resolve your issues with that man.

What, you mean forgive him?

You know, I've lived with this bitterness

so long, I think I'd be lonely without it.

Honey, get a pet.

See ya.

Son of a - It's a business meeting.

It's a frat party.

Regional manager, corporate manager, head of sales.

Margarita, cigar, sombrero.

Honey, what do you want me to do, sit around

the hotel the whole time watching cable?

No. But when I say,

"we've been invited to a party,"

Don't whine about your exhausting 60-hour week.

Put on your dancin' shoes and take the

mother of your children out for a good time.

Fine. You know what? You're right.

Let's go to that party.

I can't. I already canceled the sitter.

Okay, well, we'll throw the next one.

Throw a dinner party?

I don't even have time to wash my face.

No, you know what?

I'm going to go to this one.

You can stay home and babysit the kids.

Fine.

I can handle that.

Thank you.

Gabrielle spent her morning searching

for the mysterious little girl.

Sadly for her,

the mystery was solved a bit too quickly.

What's going on?

Have you met Ashley?

Found it!

Babe, this is Sheila Bukowski, our new neighbor.

They just moved into the miller's old house.

My daughter left her ball in your yard. I'm so sorry.

Oh, oh, no -- no problem.

Nice to meet you, Ashley.

She's shy. She doesn't say much.

Yeah, but I can see her little mind working away.

Nice meeting you.

Come on, Ashley.

Private sessions?

I don't understand. Why do we need private sessions?

Private sessions allow us to work on

the personal issues of both partners.

Oh, well, I don't have any personal issues.

My only issue is that my husband wants to leave me,

and how can I work on that if he's not in the room?

There are things I need to discuss with

Dr. Goldfine, and I can't have you there.

Why?

I'm your wife. You can say anything in front of me.

All we need is a few more sessions, and I'm sure we can --

Damn it, Bree,

a few more sessions isn't going to fix us.

This is bigger than that.

Why don't we do it this way?

Rex, you can take the first half-hour.

Bree, you can take the second.

Fine.

Oh, and, doctor,

if what he's about to discuss has anything to do with

adultery, prostitution, or internet pornography,

I would really appreciate you taking a moral hard line.

Hi, Ashley.

Remember me? We -- we met earlier.

Aren't you the little artist?

What are those -- flamingos?

No.

Well, they're very pretty.

It almost looks like they're kissing.

Funny thing about kissing --

It's not just for husbands and wives.

Sometimes we kiss our mom or our grandpa.

Sometimes we even kiss our dog. Ha ha.

Sometimes we even kiss people who are just our friends,

kind of like a high-five on the lips. Right?

Hey, Ash,

I was at the mall, and I saw this.

I thought you might like it.

She's Hawaiian.

Her name is princess Kahalua,

and I think it means "little waterfall,"

or "big pond" or something.

So we're good, right?

Well, you enjoy your new little friend,

and if there's anything else you need, you just let me know.

What I'd really like

is a bike.

Where did you find that?

She used this to kill herself.

Why would you keep it?

Why?

Because I thought we might need it someday.

For what?

Protection.

I want to talk about mom.

You need to take your medication.

We are going to talk about mom.

Hello, Zack.

I hope this isn't a bad time.

What can I do for you, Mrs. Van de Kamp?

Well, I wanted to invite you and your

father to a dinner party tomorrow night.

I'm not sure where he is right now.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry it's such late notice, but, well,

we weren't sure that you and your father were

ready for any kind of social engagement yet,

but, we're sort of throwing it in your mother's honor.

Really?

Yes, it's just going to be a casual night with the gang.

We're going to eat and tell fun stories about your mom.

Zack... Are you okay?

Hello, Bree.

Oh, hi, Paul. I was just --

I heard.

Thank you, but we already have plans for tomorrow.

Oh. That's too bad.

Well, I should go.

Thank you, Mrs. Van de Kamp.

For what, Zack?

Remembering my mom.

That night, Paul gave his son something

to calm his nerves,

And the next day, Gabrielle calmed her own nerves

by giving something to her new best friend.

Here you go.

Top of the line, 3-speed, aluminum frame,

handlebar ribbons, and a bell,

and you'll notice it's royal blue

to match your pretty little eyes.

My eyes are green.

Yeah, well, you'll be cruising so fast

on this, no one will even notice.

It's all yours, hon.

Have fun.

What? What's wrong?

I don't know how to ride a bike.

What?

Well, then, why did you ask for one?

Why can't you show me?

Sure, one of these days.

What's wrong with now?

After her talk with Lynette,

Susan decided to take a look at her old photo album,

and she began to see herself in a whole new light,

and the picture wasn't flattering.

Yeah, you got Karl. Leave a message.

Hey, Karl, it's me.

I was hoping you'd be there.

Um, listen, we need to talk,

so maybe when you drop Julie off tomorrow,

we could have a moment.

It's important.

Give my best to...

Brandi.

Call me.

Susan was proud of herself.

She was finally ready to let go of her anger.

Almost.

The boys will be hungry at 5:30,

so put the fish sticks in the toaster oven at 5:00.

For half an hour. Honey, I know.

This is the third time you've told me.

Well, if the food's late, god help you.

Beautiful, I don't need a pamphlet.

It's not brain surgery.

They're just kids, for god sake.

Preston, would you come here?

Sweetie,

you know our rule about eating cookies, right?

Yeah, we can't have them after 5:00,

cause sugar makes us hyper.

Yeah, but tonight, anything goes.

Make sure you share with your brothers.

Thanks, mom.

Don't look at your feet. Don't look at your feet.

Look at the road. Look at the road. Good.

Find your balance. Find your balance.

Okay, it's all you. It's all you! you're doing great!

Okay, stay to the right. Watch the car.

Watch the car! Watch the car!

Oh! Are you okay?

Yeah. Let's go again.

Oh, honey, these heels don't have another block in them.

What about tomorrow?

Well, you won't be around tomorrow, 'cause you have school.

I'm homeschooled.

I'm always around.

It was in that moment that Gabrielle

realized this ride was far from over.

I'm coming!

Karl, what are you doing here? I asked you to come tomorrow.

You said you wanted to talk. It sounded important.

Tomorrow. I'm in a towel.

We were married 14 years.

I know what's under there. Come on.

I'm not really ready for this.

I was going to have a whole speech prepared.

Brandi and I have plans tomorrow.

I suggest you wing it.

Um, okay.

Here's the thing, Karl --

I was thinking about what happened

in the driveway yesterday,

and I-I just don't want to --

I don't want to live like that.

I don't want to be that kind of person,

and I just thought if the two of us,

you know, if we had a nice, calm --

I need an apology, Karl.

A what?

An apology for the way you ended our marriage.

You never took any responsibility for your behavior.

I don't know what to say, Susan.

The heart wants what it wants.

What does that mean?

I fell in love.

While you were married to someone else.

The heart wants what it wants.

Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you,

But I can control myself.

I-I don't want to go back to that ugly place, really,

and if you do, I suggest that you get some help.

You know what?

I don't need an apology.

I don't need anything from you.

You're humiliating yourself.

No, you're the one who's been humiliated, Karl.

Why don't you see that?

You walked out on your family.

People think you're scum, not me,

so worry about yourself. I'm okay with me.

I can walk down the street and hold my head high.

As the sun slowly settled on Wisteria Lane,

an unsettled Susan racked her brain

to find a way into her own house.

Lying naked in her shrubs,

it occurred to Susan this could be the

most humiliating moment of her life.

Susan?

She was wrong.

Uh, whatcha doing?

Locked myself out...

naked.

And then I fell.

So how are you?

I just got back.

I've been gone all day,

and I got your messages about dinner,

and, um, I would love to come if that invite still stands.

It's a date.

All right. I, um...

assume the dress is casual.

Yeah. It's -- it's casual.

Thanks for helping me break in.

Do you think it'll be hard to replace that screen?

It depends.

If you nail it in yourself, you might want to wear gloves...

Or pants. Pants wouldn't hurt.

Okay, I know what just happened is funny in theory,

but I'm nowhere near ready to laugh about it,

so please, no jokes.

Hey, where have you two been?

Uh, Susan had a problem finding something to wear.

Oh, is that the kind of thing you meant?

Pretty much.

The kids are bouncing off the walls? Huh.

Well, I'm sure you can figure a way to put them to bed, Tom.

I mean, for god sakes, Tom, they're just kids.

Hey. Are you okay?

Yes, I-I went jogging today,

and I think I just pushed myself too hard.

Oh, you're probably not wearing the right shoes.

Yea, that thought did cross my mind.

So Gabrielle says that you and Bree are

taking lessons three times a week.

I'm actually thinking about playing again.

I mean, it's such great exercise.

Mm. That it is.

And my drop shot could use a serious tune-up.

Think you can give me the number of your pro?

Yeah. I'll, uh, I'll give it to you later.

Well, what club does he work out of?

W-We're not really taking tennis lessons, Carlos.

You're not?

That's a story

Bree concocted to cover the fact that

we're seeing a marriage counselor.

Bree -- Bree...

He wouldn't stop asking about the tennis pro.

Bree and I are in marriage counseling.

Everyone knows our secret now.

Did the sky fall?

Has your life come crashing down?

If everybody would please take your seats,

dinner is served.

With the winds from the northwest at 4 miles per hour,

it's currently 55 degrees.

Now we go to rich... live on the scene in Westbrook.

A grisly discovery was made today in Westbrook

when a chest was found in Rockwater Lake,

discovered by a local area businessman and

his grandson while they were fishing.

Investigators recovered a wooden chest

containing what appears to be human remains.

Now, a police spokesman says the body was --

Okay, I got to break the ice here.

So you're in counseling. Big deal.

You want humiliation?

I'll give you humiliation.

I locked myself out of my house

stark naked and got caught by Mike.

Oh, my god. When did this happen?

Today, right before the party.

What can I say? Right place, right time.

I think I can top that. Try getting thrown

out of Disneyland for lewd behavior.

What? When was this?

When Tom and I were first married,

things got a little out of hand on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

You're kidding.

No. We got perp walked down main street, USA.

Well, since we're doing true confessions,

Carlos and I once broke a waterbed in Cancoon.

How'd you manage that?

Well, he used to have a thing for spiked heels.

I'd just like to make it clear -- she was wearing them.

Rex cries after he ejaculates.

You think we left too early?

I was thinking we left too late.

So is, uh, Rex gone for good?

I don't know.

God, I hope not.

I mean, they've always been wound a little tight,

but I've never seen them like that.

Then again, who am I to judge?

You mean people who live in glass

houses shouldn't throw soda cans?

Okay, you have got to know that I

only get that angry around Karl.

He just treated me so badly at the end.

I haven't been able to get past it.

Well, maybe he did you a big favor.

What do you mean?

Let's look at Karl as a starter marriage

you know, boot camp.

Preparing you for something better next time.

Listen, Mike...

About the whole seeing me naked thing, I...

I don't -- I just want to thank you for

being such a... perfect gentleman.

Oh, I wasn't a perfect gentleman.

I might have snuck a peek.

Good night.

And, um, for what it's worth...

Wow.

How was your night?

We are raising little terrorists.

You know that, don't you?

Oh. You didn't have a good time?

Okay, you know what? Drop the act.

I know you gave them cookies.

Oh. Who cracked, anyway?

Porter.

So how was your, uh, dinner party?

Well, there was dinner, but it wasn't much of a party.

Uh-oh. What happened?

I don't know.

Rex announced that he and Bree are in counseling.

She retaliated with this whole revelation

which I won't even go into now,

and the bottom line is he stormed out.

Clearly, there's trouble in paradise.

Honestly, I'm not that surprised.

Why not?

I don't know. I just never got the

idea that they were really happy.

Are we happy?

Man, oh, man.

I keep seeing that look on Rex's face,

and then him taking off like that.

Some night.

Then again, I would probably cry, too,

if I had to have sex with that woman.

I mean, you watch a man get torn down like that,

it makes you wonder why he let her get away with it.

Believe me, if a woman ever

humiliated me like that in public,

Hm-- it would only happen once.

So, uh, where are you going?

I'll be staying at the motor lodge.

The hotel by the Interstate has better rates,

and it's closer to your work.

Fine.

I'm packing your swimsuit.

There's a pool there,

and I know how swimming relaxes you.

When our kids ask where I am, what are you going to say?

I could tell them that you went to tennis camp.

That was a joke.

Yeah. I got it.

Obviously, if you've forgotten anything,

you can, um, come right back and get it.

Well, I'll call you.

Rex.

In college, when we first started dating,

people were so jealous of us.

We were the golden couple.

Everybody knew we were going to have this wonderful life.

Why is this happening?

Because you can't even let me pack my own suitcase.

All right, see ya. Have fun.

Where are you going?

Just a sec.

Mom?

Don't worry. I'm not packing heat.

Hey, Brandy, would you scoot a little?

Just scoot. Thank you.

What are you doing?

I'll be quick.

Brandy, I'm sorry for the way I treated you.

It was uncalled for and childish,

and it won't happen again.

I have built up a lot of anger towards you, both of you,

and I realize now that I just

can't carry that around anymore,

so apology or no apology,

I'm moving on.

Mrs. Mayer?

Brandy.

Brandy, get in the car.

Mrs. Mayer.

Please, call me Susan.

I just wanted you to know

what happened between me and Karl,

things got out of hand.

Because I thought your marriage was over.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know

I'm sorry. I really am.

Thank you.

And though it came from an unexpected source,

Susan finally got the apology she'd always wanted.

Hey. Let me take those.

You're wearing a really big hat.

Yes, I am.

Listen, the kids are watching a video,

which means that we've got only about 45

minutes until they actually find Nemo,

so I suggest that we make the most of it.

By reliving your night out with the guys?

Lynette...

I'm trying.

You look... ridiculous in that thing.

Sexy ridiculous?

Maybe.

I can live... with maybe.

You know, it's going to take more than just this one night.

I know.

Looks like we have an audience.

Let 'em look.

As long as they don't try and cut in.

Dr. Goldfine.

Bree. We're not scheduled now, are we?

I didn't have time to make an appointment.

Rex moved out today.

Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that,

but unfortunately, I'm completely booked right now.

I don't need much time.

It just seems that you have more insight into my situation

than I do, and I just think --

Bree, we can't talk now.

If you could just tell me what he told you,

then I could fix the problem.

I can't do that. It's completely unethical.

Well, why can't you --

That's my next appointment.

You really need to go.

Dr. Goldfine, please.

Hold on. I'll go and talk to my client.

Bree searched for Rex's audiotape

hoping to find answers.

She found answers, all right,

but to entirely different questions.

I understand completely.

I'll -- I'll be out in just a minute.

Bree, I'm -- I'm sorry. He can't wait,

but I can see you first thing

in the morning -- 8:00.

8:00.

Sorry to interupt.

Bye.

Yes, I remember the world --every detail.

And what I remember most is how afraid I was.

What a waste.

You see, to live in fear is not to live at all.

I wish I could tell this to those I left behind,

but would it do any good?

Probably not.

I understand now --

there will always be those who face their fears...

And there will always be those who run away.

DH SE01 E04

Anybody home?

Susan played with fire... - That's not my cup.

And could get burned.

Go to a spa, go shopping. Find a way to relax.

Gabrielle... - Get here as fast as you can.

found herself a playmate.

Lynette couldn't get her kids to stop playing.

Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?

I have a theory.

If I don't get some sleep, I'll be

forced back upstairs out of exhaustion.

And Bree played hard ball.

Everyone has a little dirty laundry.

When I was alive, I maintained many different identities.

Lover, wife and, ultimately, victim.

Yes, labels are important to the living.

They dictate how people see themselves.

Like my friend Lynette.

She used to see herself as a career woman,

and a hugely successful one.

She was known for her power lunches,

her eye-catching presentations,

and her ruthlessness in wiping out the competition.

But Lynette gave up her career to assume a new label.

The incredibly satisfying role of full-time mother.

Scavo residence. Yes, this is me.

But, unfortunately for Lynette,

this new label frequently fell short of what was advertised.

How in the world did they...?

I left the door to the art supply

cupboard open for five minutes.

That's all. - Five minutes.

The little girl, why didn't she say anything?

Your boys work quickly.

Well, obviously they will be punished for this severely.

I hesitate bringing this up, since you

got so ugly about it last time...

They don't have attention deficit disorder,

and I won't drug my boys

just to make your job easier.

I'd rather change teachers.

The boys are in my class because I'm the

only teacher who can handle them.

What if we separate the twins,

put them in different classes?

They're much calmer when they're not bouncing off one another.

We can try that, but if it doesn't work,

we may no longer be able to accommodate them.

It suddenly occurred to Lynette,

her label was about to change yet again.

And for the next few years, she would be known as

the mother of the boys who painted Tiffany Axelrod blue.

It looked to be an interesting afternoon on Wisteria Lane.

A mysterious cassette tape had

been discovered by my friend Bree.

She had stolen it from her marriage counselor.

A counselor I'd once spoken to in strictest confidence.

So how have you been?

I had the nightmare again.

It's weird to hear Mary Alice.

Still the same one? - Yes.

But this time I was standing in a river

and I saw the girl under the water.

She kept screaming "Angela" over and over again.

What do you think the significance of the name "Angela" is?

Actually, that's my real name.

Her real name?

That doesn't make any sense.

I've seen her driver's license. I did not say Angela.

Bree, what does it say in the rest of the tape?

Just more about her nightmares,

and this girl she was afraid of.

So what the hell do we do now?

I think we should show Paul the note.

Are you sure? He's gonna freak.

It's now or never.

I saw what he's asking for the place.

It's gonna sell quickly.

Can I say something?

I'm glad Paul's moving. - Gaby.

I'm sorry. He's just always given my the creeps.

Haven't you guys noticed, he has this dark thing going on?

Something about him just feels...

Malignant? - Yes.

We've all sort of felt it.

That being said, I do love what he's done with that lawn.

Mom, the dish is clean.

I still don't understand why you don't just

ask him out on an official date date.

I'm trying a new strategy. I'm playing hard to get.

How long do you think you can keep that up?

Maybe until noon.

Then I'm going to have to run over there

and beg him to love me.

Uh, mom, I don't think you're

gonna be able to wait that long.

You got to be kidding. She washed her car yesterday.

Oh, no, she's not.

Yep, she's bringing out the big guns.

You better get over there. She's wearing cotton.

What am I supposed to say? "I saw you half-naked

and I thought I'd drop by"?

What's that?

A piece of Mike's junk mail we got by mistake.

I held onto it in case of an emergency.

God bless you.

Hey, Susan.

We got this by mistake.

Oh, thanks.

I hope it's not important.

No, it's just a promotion for the Rialto Film Festival.

Well, I guess I've done my good deed for the day.

I'll just head back home.

Bye.

Hey, you like old movies? - I love old movies.

I hate Susan Mayer.

Every time I see those big doe eyes of hers,

I swear to god I just want to go out and shoot a deer.

What has she done this time?

She is out there throwing herself at Mike Delfino,

again.

Susan likes Mike?

Where the hell have you been, Martha?

She's been lusting after him ever since he moved in.

I got your message. What's going on?

The boys refuse to be separated.

They refuse? They're six years old. Make them.

The school regulations are pretty strict

about me wrestling with the boys.

But if you want to give it a shot, be my guest.

Fine.

Oh, which one goes and which one stays?

You pick.

Come on now. Stop it! No. No.

I'm gonna take the whole table. That's right.

Come on now. I mean it.

I love taking baths. Especially with you.

It's like taking a vacation from the world.

I hated taking baths when I was a kid.

Of course, back then,

the only thing I had to play with was my rubber ducky.

Who's that?

It's Mr. Solis.

Relax. Carlos is at work and he doesn't ring the doorbell.

It's the cable guy. He's three hours late.

Use the side entrance.

Gabrielle knew her vacation from the world had ended.

What she didn't know was John had left behind a souvenir.

I'm telling dad didn't come home last night.

They had a fight. A bad one. - How bad?

Like divorce court bad.

Listen to her.

She always overcompensates when she's worried.

If dad moves out and leaves us with her,

I'll lose my mind.

Dinner is on the table.

Mom, where did dad go last night?

He got a last minute call to speak at

a medical conference in Philadelphia.

Take your seats.

This marriage is so over.

Andrew?

Again sorry I was late.

The scheduler overbooked me.

How long are you going to be? - Almost done.

What is that scent? Is that sage and citrus?

That's amazing.

Try to hurry. I have stuff to do.

Come on.

What's happening?

The cable guy fell.

He hit his head on the tub. He may have a concussion.

It's almost eight. - He was late.

Mrs. Huber.

Hello, Susan. I made you a pie.

Oh, wow! Why?

Do I need a motive to do something nice?

I can't wait for you to try this.

It's mincemeat.

Actually, I just had dinner.

That's ok. You can save it for later.

What's so funny?

I was just thinking of that expression,

"I'll make mincemeat out of you".

Mincemeat used to be an entrap of mostly chopped meat,

so it was like saying,

"I'll chop you up into little bits."

but that was centuries ago.

Today, mincemeat is mostly made of

fruit, spices and rum.

There's no meat in it and still people say,

"I'll make mincemeat out of you."

I don't know that people really say that anymore.

I do.

So, Susan, how are you?

I'm fine.

Good. You know, I have a confession to make.

I've always wish I'd been more supportive when Karl left you.

Oh, you don't have to apologize about Karl.

Really, Karl and I are over.

I've moved on. - Yes, I know.

You've moved on to that nice Mike Delfino.

He's quite a catch, isn't he?

You like him, don't you?

Ah, sure, as a friend.

Oh, Susan.

Being coy is a strategy best employed

by virgins at their first dance.

For women of our age,

it's just annoying.

You sure you don't want pie?

No, thank you.

I hope it works out with you and Mike.

You've been so desperate to land him.

What? I am not desperate.

Good lord, Susan,

you burned your rival's house down.

If that isn't desperate,

I don't know what is.

Mrs. Huber, with all due respect, you're crazy.

What's that? - I think you recognize it.

I found it in the ruins of Eddie's home.

Well, that's not... - Shh. My point is this.

I wasn't there for you when Karl left,

but I am here for you now.

As far as I'm concerned, this is our secret.

And no one ever need know.

Oh, Susan.

You don't know how good it feels

to finally be able to help you.

You look so pale.

Now, I insist you try some of my pie.

Go on.

Did I mention it's mincemeat?

Open the door, please. - Hang on.

What? - May I come in?

No. - I want to talk to you.

Then talk. - Where were you last night?

Brian's. - I just spoke to Brian's mother.

Tell me again where you were last night,

and this time don't lie to me.

Where did you say dad was again? In Philadelphia?

Andrew, don't change the subject.

Sorry, I thought the subject was telling lies.

I called dad's cell phone.

I know he moved out.

Well, it's just temporary and...

...I thought it would upset you so I was protecting you.

Whatever. You lied.

So stop pretending like you have

some sort of moral authority.

Andrew, just because I chose not to

share my marital problems with you

doesn't give you the right to be rude.

How about driving my father away.

Do I get to be rude then?

What's this?

It's a sock. - It's a man's sock.

I found it under our bed.

It's not mine.

Oh, for god sakes, Carlos, it's Yao Lin's.

Our maid wears size 13 gym socks?

No, she dusts with them.

See? Socks instead of rags.

Susan, hello. - Mrs. Huber.

Did you and Mike come together?

I saw him over in the fresh produce aisle.

No. Like I told you. We're just friends.

Oh.

By the way, if I didn't make it clear yesterday,

I absolutely did not do that thing you accuse me of.

Hey, Susan. Hey, Mrs. Huber.

Nice to see you, Mike.

Hey. You like Alfred Hitchcock?

They're doing a retrospective at the rialto.

Uh... ...I'm not really a fan.

Come on, how can you not like Hitchcock?

I just, uh, don't.

Oh. Ok.

Well, uh, nice to see you.

You too, Mrs. Huber.

You're so silly.

Pretending not to like him on my account.

I mean, really.

Will you just drop it?

You shouldn't be rude to me.

Your secret is not an easy burden to bear.

That insurance company is putting Eddie through hell.

But still I've said nothing. - Well...

The longer it takes for her payment,

the longer she'll be staying with me.

Eating me out of house and home. Using up my hot water.

What exactly is it you want from me, Mrs. Huber?

Are these together?

Ring it up.

If the school and the pediatrician

think the twins could be medicated,

then what's the problem?

I used to run a company with 85 people,

and now I can't wrangle three

small boys without doping them?

Talk about feeling like a failure.

Lynette, you are a great mother.

But, let's face it,

your kids are a challenge.

Thank you. That's the nicest way you could've said that.

You know, the truth is

when they're not making me want to tear my hair out,

they're actually really sweet.

I'm afraid if I change the bad stuff,

I'm going to change the good stuff.

It's a tough call.

Like this mug.

I love this mug. If I medicate them,

will they still make me a mug like this?

You know, it's leaking.

Yeah, I know.

We talked to Paul. We told him

we need to show him something.

He's on his way over.

So, Paul, we notice that you're selling the house.

Yes, too many painful memories. I'm sure you understand.

Before you move, we thought there's something you should know.

It seems there may be more to Mary Alice's

death than you are aware of.

Remember when you asked us to pack her things?

Well, when we did, we found a note.

And we think that you should have it.

You can see from the postmark,

Mary Alice probably got it the day she died.

Paul, are you going to be okay? - No.

Have you always cleaned with socks? - Yes.

What is that, a Japanese thing?

I am Chinese.

I don't like lying.

I don't like your ironing, so there.

Mrs. Solis, what are you doing here?

Carlos found this under the bed.

Oh, crap.

It's ok. It was close call,

but I managed to cover.

I got you these, so from now on,

we can't let Carlos see you wearing

anything resembling a gym sock.

You want me to mow your lawn in sandals.

I could lose a toe.

Imagine what you'd lose if he finds out

you're trimming more than the hedge.

Why are your friends staring at me?

Did you tell them about us? - No.

They're staring 'cause they think you're hot.

Oh... Ok.

It's 9:30. What is your brother thinking?

Want my advice? Call dad.

Tell him to go kick Andrew's ass.

I am perfectly capable of handling this without your father.

I'm sorry. - Where's your cell phone?

Call Andrew. Find out where he is.

He'll know you're behind this.

He won't. Just act normal.

Hey, it's me. Ah, what's going on?

He knows.

Andrew, this is your mother.

I am rapidly reaching the end of my patience with you.

Where are you? Are you at a bar?

Andrew? Andrew?

Mom? - He hung up on me.

What are you gonna do?

Heath. Lan. Andrew.

Mom, how did you even know I was here?

You went in my room? - You think that's bad?

Tomorrow morning, I'm cleaning it.

Oh, by the way, Heath.

I didn't get a chance to tell you,

that was a lovely solo last week at church.

Thank you. We're out of here.

I hope it wasn't something I said.

Well, Andrew, shall we?

You just humiliated me in front of my friends.

I'm not going anywhere with you. - Fine.

What are you doing? - I'm staying for the show.

I'm dying to see what all the fuss is about.

Excuse me, waitress. I'll have a glass of your house Chardonnay.

Of course, ma'am.

I'm curious. Andrew,

as you fantasize about this woman,

do you ever stop and think how

she came to be on this runway?

That's someone's little girl.

And that someone probably had a lot of dreams for her.

Dreams that did not include a thong and a pole.

It's not going to work, ok? I'm not budging.

God knows what she's had to deal with in life.

Abject poverty, drugs, domestic violence,

maybe even molestation.

Mom!

Now she treats herself the way

other men treat her. Like an object. A piece of meat.

That does it. Kid, get her out of here.

She's killing it for the rest of us.

We're not here, leave a message.

It's Mrs. Huber, Susan, are you there?

I can see your lights are on.

I hope you're not screening. That's so tacky.

Listen. I need to talk to you.

My water heater just burst

and it's gonna cost me $600 to get a new one.

And I can't afford that.

I'm just beside myself. Call me as soon as you get in.

Julie, honey, wake up.

We need to talk.

Can't this wait until morning?

I think I'm being blackmailed.

And when I realized I couldn't put out the fire, I ran.

I must've dropped the measuring cup in the process.

Why do I even let you out of the house?

Obviously, I can't let her get away with this.

The only thing to do is go to the police

and tell them what happened.

You can't do that.

Julie, I don't think they'll throw me in jail.

I mean, it was an accident.

Dad won't care if it was an accident.

You know he'll just use this as an excuse to reopen custody.

Mom, I don't want to live with dad. - I know.

I need to talk to you. - Cool. Sure.

You were working tuesday, right? - Yeah.

You remember the cable guy showing up?

And you usually work till what time, five?

Yeah.

Damn it. That means he was in the house for four hours.

Wait. Now that I think about it,

I might not have seen him.

Either you saw him or you didn't. Which is it?

I didn't.

John...

...did my wife ask you to lie for her?

Mr. Solis, uh... I really don't want

to get in the middle of anything.

Thank you. That's all I needed to know.

Let's run through it one more time.

Mom, it's not brain surgery.

You'll stand guard while I crawl through Mrs. Huber's doggie door.

Once inside, I find the measuring cup.

Simple.

Mm, god. I hate that I'm turning you into a little thief.

It's our cup. We're just taking back what's ours.

That's right. Ethically,

we have nothing to be ashamed about.

Oh. Wear these. I don't want you to leave finger prints.

There she goes. Ok. Move.

Oh, so glad to be playing frisbee again.

Here you go. Coming at you

All right. Back up a little more. There you go.

Whoo! All right. Here we go.

Oh, my, whoops! You better go get that. Yeah. Hah!

Mike. - Hey, Susan.

I thought that was you.

Uh... Yeah. Julie and I are out tossing a frisbee around,

and it flew off into Mrs. Huber's back yard.

Oh, you need some help?

No, no, no. Julie's got it.

Ok. I'm glad I ran into you.

I wanted to make sure things were ok between us.

The other day, you seemed kind of distant.

Distant? What do you mean?

I mean, you're not mad at me for some reason, are you?

No. No, not at all.

Good. 'cause I'm gonna take one more shot.

I got tickets for a Billy Wilder retrospective,

Wednesday night.

I'd love to take you with me.

You are so sweet. I'd love to go.

All right.

Eddie, I thought you'd be at work.

I'm not feeling well.

I got a sunburn the other day washing my car.

Well, don't just run off. Come and hang out with us.

Boy, you are one sick ticket. - What?

It's not bad enough I have to watch

you throw yourself at him every day.

Now you want to make sure I see it up close and personal?

No, it's not like that. - I've got to take off.

I'll call about Wednesday night, ok?

Edie, wait.

Mike and I were gonna go see the movies on Wednesday

and I thought it would be fun if you joined us.

You want me to come with you? - Yeah.

Yeah, that's ok, isn't it, Mike?

Well, it's a limited engagement.

And it's sold out. I've only got two tickets.

Edie, wait. You should take my ticket.

Really? Is that ok with you, Mike?

Uh, yeah, sure.

So, uh, what time do you want to pick me up?

Hang on.

You think you can have sex with anyone you want, huh?

Carlos couldn't help but feel proud of himself.

After all, he'd just defended his honor.

Or had he?

Are you gay? - Yes. Is that why you're doing this?

"Will you buy some chocolates?"

Ladies.

Hey, Paul, what's up?

I wanted to apologize for my outburst yesterday.

Don't worry about it. We unloaded a lot on you.

I suppose you're wondering why I

reacted so violently to that note.

It did... cross our minds.

Well, the truth is, Mary Alice was not a well person.

She was very troubled.

Troubled? - At first it was harmless.

She'd leave herself notes, reminders like,

"pick up the milk"

or "Zach has a dentist appointment."

But over time the notes became ugly.

Hateful messages started showing up.

Mary Alice was writing them to me,

to Zach, to herself.

Really? - That's why I lost it.

I was reminded of what Zach and I had been through.

Paul, I'm so sorry. - We had no idea.

No.

Anyway, I'd appreciate it

if you kept this to yourselves.

For Zach's sake. - Of course. Of course.

Bye.

I think he's lying. - Huh. So do I.

You didn't get me! Bang! Bang!

Boys, could you get in here, please?

He broke my plane. - I did not.

We'll talk about that later. I need you to take medicine.

Are we sick?

Not exactly. There is a special medicine.

It's like a vitamin and you'll take it every day, ok?

Stay right there.

Now open up.

Here, you... - No.

Guys, this is a... guys, here... - Nope.

In that moment, Lynette made a decision.

When it came to dealing with her children,

medication was no longer an option.

Of course, given her continuing level of frustration,

Lynette also felt a little

self-medication couldn't hurt.

So what's your strategy?

Are you just never gonna speak to me again?

Something like that.

I suppose I do owe you an apology.

Careful. I wouldn't want you to strain yourself.

I shouldn't have lied to you about your father.

You two are old enough to handle the truth

and I'm sorry.

Keep going.

I'm mad at you for about 7,000 other things.

If you think I'll apologize for taking

you out of a strip club, you're wrong.

I consider it one of my finest moments.

Oh, Andrew.

I know you blame me

for what's happening with your father,

but it's not entirely my fault and

I need you to understand that.

I do.

I just... don't want him to leave.

Neither do I.

Mom. - Yeah?

When can I have my door back?

Three months.

Royal Oaks was the scene of a hate crime today.

Jonathan Lisco, local gay activist

and part-time female impersonator,

was brutally attacked in his home.

Lisco speculated the attack

was in response to his efforts

to secure same-sex partner insurance

coverage from his employer,

Cliffside cable.

Police are circulating this sketch of the assailant.

The circumstances speak for themselves.

I've taken a strong stance with my company.

Is there something you want to ask me?

No.

You took it, didn't you?

Good evening, Mrs. Huber.

It's my own fault for not hiding the cup.

If you're capable of arson,

obviously you're capable of breaking and entering.

I don't know what you're talking about. Mrs. Huber.

I suppose you destroyed it.

Again, I don't know what you're talking about,

but... yeah, I did.

I was going to keep your secret.

It's a shame you couldn't trust me.

You're a piece of work. Do you know that?

Oh, Susan, let's not be unpleasant.

We can go back to the same friendly

relationship we've always had.

I will keep my lawn looking nice.

And I would make sure my music isn't played too loud.

And if I get some of your mail,

heck, I'll run it right over,

'cause that's what good neighbors do.

But from now on, when I run into you on the street,

and I say, "good morning, Mrs. Huber"

or "how are you, Mrs. Huber?"

Just know that inside

I am quietly but decidedly hating your guts.

Careful, dear,

let's not say things we'll live to regret.

Good evening, Mrs. Huber.

He actually said Mary Alice was crazy?

Not in so many words, but everything Paul said

made it seem like she was schizophrenic.

I think he's hiding something. I know it.

But wait, what about the tape?

She did say her name was Angela.

Mary.Alice was not crazy.

My father was a prosecutor and he always

said that the simplest explanation

was usually right.

But remember the note said

"I know what you did. It makes me sick.

And I'm going to tell."

That's not something someone writes to themselves.

That's a message sent by an enemy.

So exactly what is it you hired me to do?

It's very simple really.

Someone sent that note to my wife

and I need to know who.

What type of person would send such a note?

Was it an enemy? Of course.

But what kind? An acquaintance?

A stranger?

Or how about a neighbor that lives a few feet away?

DH SE01 E05

The boys are in my class because

I'm the only teacher who can handle them.

We may no longer be able to accommodate them.

Ultimatums were made.

She used this to kill herself. Why would you keep it?

Questions were asked.

Are you ok? - I think he's hiding something.

And lots of evidence was uncovered.

What is it you hired me to do?

Someone sent that note to my wife.

I need to know who.

You like Alfred Hitchcock?

I found it in the ruins of Edie's home.

I found it under our bed. It's not mine.

Talk about dirty laundry.

Every neighborhood has a woman like Alberta Frome.

And every woman like Mrs. Frome has a cat.

When she traveled,

Mrs. Frome would arrange for friends

to look after her beloved pet.

This time, however, she was forced

to ask her neighbor, Susan Mayer.

Mrs. Frome liked Susan.

But it was common knowledge on Wisteria Lane,

where Susan Mayer went, bad luck was sure to follow.

Her misfortunes ranged from the commonplace...

...to the unusual...

...to the truly bizarre.

As she waved goodbye, she worried

that Susan's bad luck would continue.

For that matter, so did her cat.

Mr. Whiskers. Dinner time.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

That's weird. Cats can't open drawers, can they?

Are you sure you didn't leave them open? - No way.

Wow. Do you think somebody broke in?

Mr. Whiskers?

Mr. Whiskers?

Though she didn't know it at the time,

Susan's luck... had finally started to change.

News that an intruder had breached

the security of Wisteria Lane

spread like wildfire.

At a neighborhood watch meeting the next night,

residents voiced their concerns

over the increasing dangers their community faced.

Mrs. Ida Grenberg said

someone was looking through her bathroom window

whenever she took a shower.

Bob Fisk warned those present that a government agency

was listening in on their phone conversations.

Helen Vale spoke of a ruthless local tenage gang

that had egged her minivan.

Three factors contribute to...

The evening concluded with

Officer Thompson offering safety tips

and a plan of action.

...The oppoutunity you have some control over.

You can sign up for daily or nightly patrols,

which might seem like overkill,

but I guarantee regular surveillance will deter

even the most determined criminal.

Are there any other questions?

All right. Let's be careful out there.

Actually, I do have a question. Do you have a second?

Sure. How can I help?

Um... I'm the one who discovered the break-in.

I think I found some evidence. - Evidence?

This is a screwdriver left behind by the burglar.

I didn't touch it.

Why didn't you give this to the investigators?

I tried and they sort of laughed at me.

Because apparently nothing was taken from Mrs. Frome's house.

I apologize for that. That was totally unprofessional.

Thank you.

So you think it should be dusted for prints?

Yes. And I'll make sure it gets done. - Great.

Bye.

Boys, stop it! Go to bed!

We're not tired! - Well, at least go upstairs.

We want to play! - Look!

Gimme!

Go! Go!

So why weren't you sitting with Mike?

I thought you two were an item.

I sort of thought so too.

Getting a lot of mixed signals.

I'll tell you who wasn't giving mixed signals.

Sexy officer Thompson.

He stared at you all night.

You noticed that?

Honey, trust me,

when they're not staring at me, I notice.

I appreciate you guys staying and helping.

Oh, please. I would have hosted it myself

but there's camping equipment everywhere.

It's nice of you.

And there's something else nice

that I'd like you to do.

Your kids both went to Barcliff Academy, didn't they?

We need you to recommend Porter and Preston.

We can't get an interview.

You want me to recommend the twins?

Yes. You can tell them

how beautifully behaved the boys are.

So you want me to lie? - Yeah.

I thought that was understood.

I'm very well respected at Barcliff,

and my word won't be good there any more.

Yes, but by the time they realize

their mistake, we'll be in.

You're not having any more kids. What do you care?

I had hoped some day to

get my grandchildren into Barcliff.

But I suppose that doesn't matter to you, does it?

It really doesn't.

We've got to get rid of it.

I said leave it alone! - No! You can't stop me!

Paul and Zach are fighting again.

The second time this week.

They never fought when Mary Alice was alive.

It's a shame. They used to be such a happy family.

Just because you didn't hear them fighting,

doesn't mean they were happy.

The next day, as residents

began to patrol Wisteria Lane

in the hopes of foiling potential burglars,

Gabrielle was about to experience

a home invasion of her own.

Mama Solis! What are you doing here?

I came to visit my son and daughter-in-law.

What does it look like?

Does Carlos know you're coming?

No. He likes to be surprised.

Now come.

Gabrielle. Come.

Family should always hug...

... regardless of how they feel about each other.

Wow. She's a beauty. 30-footer?

Sweet. I sail. I've got a flying Scott.

We have several yachting enthusiasts here in Barcliff Academy.

I could introduce them to you...

That sounds great.

...if we decide to enroll your children.

To be honest, Mr. And Mrs. Scavo,

your children's educational background

is a bit more common than we would prefer.

But Mrs. Van de Kamp said they were identical twins?

Yes. Completely identically. You can't tell them apart.

They're like book ends.

We do strive for diversity at Barcliff.

Identical twins could be interesting.

The boys are fascinating. They even

have their own twin secret language.

Yeah, it's pretty scary.

Not so much scary as highly developed.

Yeah, they bark and growl at each other.

Tom, Mr. Lentz was trying to say something.

Sorry. Go ahead, Mr. Lentz.

I'd love to meet these twins of yours.

I tell you what.

I'm going to put them on our "must-meet list".

Terrific! - Thank you so much.

What is a "must-meet list"?

We bring them in for observation.

Observation?

Mm. To see how they play with the other children,

how they respond to authority,

that sort of thing.

Great. - That sounds wonderful.

Kids ready?

Almost. Thanks for driving them.

Happy to do it. I miss them.

Did you hear there was a break-in at Mrs. Frome's the other night?

Yeah. I heard they didn't take anything.

It's still frightening.

He could have been a sexual predator.

And he ended up at Mrs. Frome's?

That would have been a lose-lose situation.

Rex, that's not the point.

I don't feel safe. I was wondering

if you could spend the night.

You're in the NRA. You own four guns.

If somebody broke in I'd expect you to protect me.

Rex, the truth is, with the kids gone,

I'll be all by myself in this house

for the first time in 17 years.

I know it's hard to hear,

but the marriage counseling might not work out.

You need to get used to being alone.

You're right. That was hard to hear.

What are you doing? - That is for the kids' trip.

Oh, come on. I'm staying at a motel.

I haven't had a decent meal in weeks.

Honey, the marriage counseling might not work out.

You need to get used to bad cooking.

Hey. Screwdriver girl.

I took your evidence into the lab for fingerprints.

Really? That's great.

I'll call you if I hear something. - Ok.

Sorry! - Thanks.

Actually, I'd like to call you anyway

if that's ok.

Oh. You seem like a really sweet guy

in an interesting line of work

but I'm not really available.

Oh. You have a boyfriend? - Yeah, sort of.

Sort of. - It's hard to explain. Even to myself.

Unit 23, we have a 907A in progress.

Please respond.

Ten-four. I'm on my way. I gotta go.

Apparently there's a hostage situation.

So you're really turning me down?

Boy. My self-esteem can't take this. - I'm sorry.

No, it's just, now my ability to help

those hostages has been compromised.

Still, don't blame yourself for what might happen. - Blame myself?

Yeah. It's just hard to rescue folks when

you don't feel good about yourself.

Ah, they'll probably all die anyway.

Ok, fine. I'll go out with you.

Great. I'll call you.

Now that you've got your date,

you can tell me what 907A really means.

Someone's TV was playing too loud.

Thank god for The Thin Blue Line.

I'll call you.

I'll be outside doing my yoga.

I'll be right back.

Do you have to do that now? My mother's here.

I'm not gonna stop my life just

just because she decides to shows up unannounced on my add.

She's family. She doesn't need an invitation.

Whatever. It's rude.

It's real pretty, mama.

You were always good with your hands.

So, I assume you didn't insist

that I travel 2,000 miles

for small talk.

So why am I here?

She...

...is unhappy.

I've given her everything she ever wanted,

but it doesn't seem to make a difference.

I feel her drifting further and further away.

And lately I've started thinking that maybe...

So you think she's cheating on you?

I think so.

We can talk about your problems,

but I'm not gonna have any of that.

Do you have any proof?

No. It's just a feeling.

I had that feeling

with your father and that whore waitress.

And I was right. Always trust your feelings.

So what do I do?

You don't do anything.

I'll take care of it.

Thank you, mama.

I'm sorry I had to hit you, but we're strong people.

We don't cry about our problems.

We find ways to fix them.

While the residents of Wisteria Lane kept up their patrols

in an effort to prevent future break-ins,

Lynette hatched a plan to break her

children into Barcliff Academy.

Boys, wake up.

Come on. We're gonna have some fun today.

Come on. - Mom. Hi.

Come on! I bet you can beat me! Come on!

Go, go, go! Yes, yes, yes! Mush!

Mush! Mush! Mush!

Mom, I'm tired.

If I can still see your head,

the pool's not deep enough.

Are your boys usually so docile?

They're always a little shy at first.

Look at that concentration.

Porter loves his puzzles.

Mama, I'll be right back. I'm going to the store.

Gabrielle! I'm coming with you.

I want to make some tamales for Carlos.

No, I'm not going to the supermarket.

I'm going to the lingerie store.

Good. I need some bras. - I'm gonna be a while.

I might get a facial.

I have a face.

Hey, Mike. - How's it going?

Good. Just came by to say hello. - Hello.

So you remember the cop from the neighborhood watch meeting?

He agreed to run a fingerprint check on

the screwdriver I found at Mrs. Frome's house.

He did? Nothing was taken.

Still, somebody broke in. It is a crime.

So the weird thing is the cop asked me out,

on a date.

And I sort of said yes.

I was just curious what you thought about that.

You're asking my permission to go out with him?

No. No, I just uh...

was wondering your opinion.

I don't really have one.

Ok. Great.

Fine.

Thank you. - Susan, wait. Wait, I...

I'm sorry.

My life is just really complicated right now.

You don't have to explain.

Susan. - It's complicated. I get it.

Paul? Paul?

Oh. Hi, Zachary. Sorry, the door was open and...

It's ok. You can come in.

Is your father here? We're scheduled to do a patrol today.

He had to go out of town. Again.

Oh. Well, I guess I can do it by myself.

Wow. This place is just immaculate.

My mom liked things clean.

She would be very proud of you.

What happened to your varnish?

That's where my mother died.

I messed up the floor trying to get out the blood.

I'll tell my dad that you stopped by. - Ok.

Zach, do you have plans for dinner?

So you shop a lot, huh? - Yeah. So?

Most women that shop a lot, it's because

they don't have anything better to do.

What's your point? - Well, if you had children...

Here we go.

I'm just saying that children give your life a purpose.

You're so busy taking care of them

you don't have time to wonder if you're happy.

You know, Juanita, this is so like you.

I invite you on a nice shopping

trip and you find ways to upset me.

You didn't invite me. I invited myself.

You keep looking at your watch.

Is there some place you have to be?

No! And I am not one of those

women who has a hole in her heart

that can only be filled by a baby.

I like my life a lot. It's very fulfilling.

Excuse my daughter-in-law. She's very fulfilled.

So he just blew you off?

I told him another man asked me out.

It was a perfect opportunity for

Mike to be jealous, and nothing.

Did you bat your eyes? It doesn't work if you don't bat your eyes.

I batted everything that wasn't nailed down. Nothing.

Thanks. - So what's going on there?

Gophers.

I'm sorry about Mike. I know you like him.

Maybe it's my fault.

Maybe I just imagined an entire relationship

with this man that didn't exist.

There has been flirting. I have seen it.

And the flirting made me think he was kind,

trustworthy, honest and hygienic.

A guy just smiles at me three times

and I'm picking out wedding china.

I'm a mess.

But to be fair, that's part of your charm.

That's what happened with Karl.

I only dated him a couple of months.

I filled in the blankets, I married him.

It was a disaster.

You think Mike is a Karl in disguise?

I don't know. What does that mean anyway?

"My life is complicated."

If I wanted to sit around and wait for nothing,

I could do it on the can.

You're late. What's with the face?

I screwed up. I broke into the

Frome house and almost got caught.

What's "almost"?

I accidentally left something behind with my prints on it.

Did you ever hear of gloves? - It's the suburbs.

I didn't think it'd matter.

Anyway, the police are running

a check and I'm in the system.

I gotta pull up stakes before they come looking for me.

That's a sweet sound. Laughter like that, huh?

Pisses me off.

If and when your cover is blown, you disappear.

Until then, you keep fixing the neighbors' pipes.

The more time I spend at this town,

the more I think we're making a mistake.

These are nice people.

My money says one of them isn't.

Thanks.

No more screw-ups.

I'm getting something to drink. Do you want something?

Don't be mad. - I waited for three hours for you.

I had to use a month's worth of

lunch money to pay for that room.

It's not my fault.

Juanita hasn't let me out of her sight since she got here.

Really? Well, I don't see her now.

She's watching her Mexican soap opera.

The rebel's virgin daughter is about to

be seduced by the escaped desperado.

So until she puts out,

Juanita won't even know that I'm gone.

Come on. I said I was sorry.

Just so you know,

I've turned down half the pep-squad for you.

You can't be serious.

I'm starting to think that... maybe I

should be with someone my own age.

I thought teenage girls bored you, John.

I thought what we had was beyond that.

so did I.

Why go back to something you don't want?

I don't know. - Maybe you're tired of me.

No. I want to be with you.

Then why are we arguing?

Gabrielle! - Damn it!

The virgin gave it up already?

I want you so bad.

When can I see you again? - Tomorrow.

Meet me at the mall after school.

What about your mother-in-law? - I'll think of something.

Gabrielle! Gabrielle! - Coming!

A donation? Now Barcliff wants a donation?

Apparently we're in competition with one other family.

A generous donation will ensure our kids beat 'em out.

How generous? - 15 thousand.

We don't have that. - That's what I told them.

So what will we do? Public school is

out unless we move to a new district.

We're not moving.

Maybe it's time that we look into home schooling.

I know you did not just say that.

Honey, it's got its advantages.

Kids at home school do better in their later years.

They won't make it to their later years

if I have to spend all day with them.

Honey, sometimes you've just got to make the sacrifice.

It's probably the best thing for the kids.

Why don't we just put them back in me and cook

them until they're civilized.

You'd be cool with that?

I've never had plum pudding before.

I'm serving it for christmas.

I like to try out new recipes before the actual holiday.

That way, if the cookbook's gotten it wrong, I can fix it.

You must really like Christmas.

You and Mr. Van de Kamp always have the best decorations.

I adore the holidays.

I never get depressed if there's a decorated tree.

My mom and I would always decorate our tree together.

This Christmas is gonna be weird. - Oh, Zach.

You know, my mother died when I

was young. She was hit by a car.

It was right before Christmas, as a matter of fact.

We were all singing carols and the dog was howling

because everybody in my family sings off-key except for me.

Anyway, it was a terrible ruckus.

So no one noticed when my mother went

out to give the neighbors a gift.

The next thing we heard were brakes screeching.

Most of my family went to the hospital

but I stayed home because I was so young.

When I looked out the window

I saw my mother's blood on the street

and nobody was doing anything about it.

So I got a hose and I washed it off.

And once it was clean, I felt so much better.

I've never told anyone that story before.

Those are the most interesting ones.

The stories that we never tell anyone.

Yeah. You're probably right.

I have one.

It's more of a secret really.

I know why my mom killed herself.

You do? - It was something I did.

Something bad.

What did you do, Zach?

Zach. Sweetheart.

No. I shouldn't have said anything.

If my dad found out...

I won't tell your father!

I can't get you involved.

Zachary, it's all right!

I can't believe Zach said that.

What else did Zach tell you?

Just that Mary Alice killed herself

because of something he'd done.

You couldn't get any more out of him?

Oh, I tried, but he was so nervous.

He actually started shaking then he just left.

Ok, this is getting really weird.

I think we should go to the police.

And tell them what?

We don't even have the note any more. We gave it to Paul.

You have to get Zach to tell you something

so we have more to go on.

Girls, You don't understand.

This poor kid is scared out of his mind.

Bree, for god's sakes, you're a woman.

Manipulate him. That's what we do.

But how?

I don't know. How did you usually manipulate Rex?

Hello, Zachary.

Are you free for dinner tonight?

Sure.

Oh, good. Because last night you

put me in such a holiday mood.

I'm gonna make roast turkey and candy yams and eggnog.

Have you ever had real, old-fashioned eggnog?

I don't think so. - You are gonna love it.

It has quite a kick.

Mine!

Preston! - Boys, could you stop...

Lynette was desperate to avoid home schooling.

But she saw no options on the horizon.

Until a solution sailed into view.

Gabrielle, please. You bought me enough things.

You're the one who's supposed to be shopping.

Mama, you're in a rut.

We need to spice up your wardrobe. Ooh. Here.

Try this one on. Go on. Try it on.

Mama Solis, how are you doing in there?

Is it supposed to be so tight?

Yes, it's form-fitting. You'll look great.

Gabrielle, I don't think this dress is right for me.

I can't breathe.

Well, maybe I made a mistake.

While you change,

I'm gonna make a quick run to the book store.

Wait! I'm coming with you!

No! I'll just be a minute!

I'm coming with you!

Wait!

Gabrielle! Wait! - Ma'am!

Ma'am. Sorry, I'm gonna need to look in your bags, please.

Fine. Just hurry up.

Right on time.

I don't know where that blouse came from.

Security. - Keep your stupid blouse.

I have to find my daughter-in-law.

Don't touch me. Don't you dare touch me!

Ma'am, you have to come with us.

Get your hands off me! Gabrielle!

Hello.

Hey, it's me. - Oh, hi, Rex. How are you?

Is something wrong?

I was just about to grab dinner from that motel vending machine

and it occurred to me, "what the heck? I'll go out."

Would you like to have dinner with me?

Mrs. Van de Kamp. Guess what.

I found all my mom's old Christmas stuff.

Oh. Sweetie, I was just coming over to talk to you.

I am so sorry but something important

came up and I have to cancel.

Really? - We'll do it again.

We'll have our impromptu holiday dinner. I promise.

Bye.

Mm. I got one. Kelly Halstatter.

In eighth grade, she used to spit in my gym shoes.

Kelly Halstatter.

Kelly Halstatter. Here, look.

Two duis, one check-kiting and an open bench warrant.

How tragic. By which I mean, "yay".

You've been a good sport coming on my shift with me.

Well, time flies when you're on a stakeout in cracktown.

So when does our official date begin?

Taxpayers say 20 minutes. But I say now.

They're down. - Thank you.

Honey, you read up on home schooling?

Yeah. It gave me some good ideas.

Well, one, anyway.

Great. What have you got?

You know how we both agree that one of us

needs to stay home and parent the kids

and one of us needs to make a living?

And then I suddenly remembered that when I was working

I made a little more than you.

What are you doing?

You tossed out that little sacrifice comment a while ago.

It occurred to me, I've made

sacrifices over the past six years.

I gave up my career.

If another sacrifice has to be made,

I think it's your turn on the man go round.

Lynette? - So if I went back to work,

you could stay home and take care of the kids.

I can't be with the kids all day. I'd lose my mind.

Hey. Ok, I get it. Home schooling is out.

How are we gonna scrape together

15 grand for this endowment?

Mm. How, how, how...

Think. Think real hard.

Oh, no. - Aye-aye.

The restaurant's run by this little old guy named Arinello.

He will propose to you. Don't say yes

because he's dead serious.

But what if I like him?

Hey. I thought this went to the lab.

All right. You got me.

And that means what? - Look, Susan.

No one would authorize lab time or a

computer search for a case like this.

It's just not a priority. - So why

couldn't you just tell me that?

Well, I thought we were clicking.

Does this need to be a big deal?

Well, if you'd only lied to me about it once it wouldn't be.

All right. I get it. You want me to beg. Ok.

Look at me. I'm begging.

Come on. Don't be such a girl about this.

I know who you are. You're a Karl in disguise.

I'm done with you. All of you.

Oh, come on, drama queen. What are you doing?

Where are you going? It's not safe.

I'd rather take my chances on the street,

thank you very much.

Why do I always pick the psychos?

Excuse me. I'm a little lost.

You best be lost. This here's my corner.

Oh, yes. And a lovely corner it is.

And I hate to bother you while you're working.

I was just wondering if you

point me in the direction of a payphone?

Oh, if you have some change for

this five. Preferably quarters.

Honey, if I got paid in quarters,

I'd be doing something very wrong.

Right. Ok.

Thank you.

Hey. You want to use my cell? I have weekend minutes.

Thank you so much. You're saving my life.

Excuse me, honey. - Oh, yes. You do what you've got to do.

Oh, please answer. Come on. Pick up, Julie.

Oh, thank god. Don't ask any questions.

Just get somebody down here to pick me

up at the corner of Ninth and Foster.

Hey, babe.

Thank you. No. I'm on a break.

Hurry, please.

Excuse me. We got a call. Something about a break-in.

One of your neighbors was reporting seeing someone

forcing his way into your home.

We sent some guys out to investigate and uh...

What is it? - I gotta tell you, ma'am.

I thought I'd seen a lot on the job,

but this is something else.

So let me get this straight.

He chopped down one of our pine trees?

I'm afraid so.

Zach, why did you do this?

I don't know. - Take off those handcuffs, please.

Ma'am, he confessed to breaking in.

This is not up for discussion.

Go ahead.

Sir, you can't...

Zach.

Are you ok? - Yeah.

Then how much for a trip around the world?

I can't believe Julie sent you. She is soon gonna be dead.

Come on. Get in.

Wasn't that sent in for prints?

No. The cop lied to me.

I don't wanna talk about it. - Just asking.

Yes. Apparently they found a blouse in her bag.

I don't know, Carlos. At some point

older people start to get confused.

She probably thought she paid for it.

No, no charges. Everything's fine.

Ok. I'll tell her. Bye.

Carlos is gonna be late for dinner. It's just the two of us.

What would you like to eat? - I'm not hungry.

Ok. Suit yourself.

Don't go yet. I need to talk to you.

It's important. Please.

I married Diego Solis when I was 16 years old.

A few months into our marriage, he started to beat me.

I was so young as to but I didn't know what to do.

Juanita, I had no idea.

It got so bad that I started praying to god to let me die.

But god, in his infinite wisdom, gave me a reason to live.

Carlos.

Ah, he was a beautiful baby.

But my husband wasn't much of a father.

He never held him. He would yell and

scream at him for no reason at all.

One night, when Carlos was four,

Diego Solis came home drunk.

And he beat my Carlos.

Something inside me snapped.

At that moment, I found a way to be strong.

So I made sure that Diego Solis

never hurt my son or me ever again.

What did you do?

Well, if you pray hard enough,

God gives you the tools to your salvation.

Carlos said that his father left for a waitress in El Paso.

Mm-hm. That's what he was told.

All mothers know they have to protect their children.

But some of us take our job more seriously than others.

I don't know why you're telling me this.

I think you do.

Ok. I know you're mad at me.

I'm sorry I didn't stop you from going out with that guy.

I'm not mad at you. I mean I'm not just mad at you.

I'm mostly mad at myself.

Ok. - I'm mad that I like you so much

without knowing anything about you.

Oh. What do you want to know?

What's your favorite food? - Mexican.

What's your favorite sport? - Football.

Favorite band? - Elvis Costello.

That's a guy, not a band.

It's a guy with a band.

What do you think of me?

I'm sorry, could you repeat that?

I don't want to talk about it. - This is insane!

Do you even care about me? - Do not talk that way!

Mrs. Van de Kamp. - Hi, Zach.

I wanted to see if everything was all right.

Everything's fine. - Are you sure?

Yes.

Well, ok. I'll see you tomorrow then.

I'm sure that you will.

People by their very nature are always

on the lookout for intruders...

Trying to prevent those on the outside from getting in.

But there will always be those who

force their way into our lives,

just as there will be those we invite in.

But the most troubling of all

will be the ones who stand on the outside looking in.

The ones we never truly get to know.

DH SE01 E06

I know why my mom killed herself.

Secrets were revealed.

This is being really weird. I think we should go to the police.

Relationships got complicated.

Mama Solis. What are you doing here?

You think she's cheating on you? - I think so.

I will take care of it

We got a call, something about a break-in.

I thought I've seen a lot on the job

but this is something else.

And the mystery... - Zach, why did you do this?

I don't know. - Depened.

Zach.

Suburbia is a battle ground,

an arena for all forms of domestic combat.

Husbands clash with wives,

parents cross swords with children.

But the bloodiest battles often involve women

and their mothers-in-law.

The war for control of Carlos began the night he proposed,

and Gabrielle had been losing ground to Juanita ever since.

From the prenuptial agrement which she reluctantly signed...

to the selection of wedding music she despised...

to the color of the house paint she hadn't wanted,

Gabrielle had suffered one defeat after another.

And now that Juanita suspected her

daughter-in-law of having an affair,

it had become increasingly apparent, in this war

Mrs. Solis, I'll be at the market.

No prisoners would be taken.

Thank you, Yao Lin.

I don't see why you have her.

It's a big house. I need help.

It's only called help

when you do some of the work yourself.

I supervise.

You pay her $300 a week.

That's $15,000 a year.

Carlos, you always say you're not

putting away enough for retirement.

Baby, it would be a good idea to cut back on expenses.

You want me to take care of this place alone?

Other women manage.

That's nice.

You like that? - Oh, yeah.

God, I'm gonna miss this, Carlos.

What do you mean?

Well, since I'm gonna have to be doing the cooking

and the cleaning and all the shopping like the other wives,

I'm gonna be exhausted at night,

just like all the other wives.

Till I build up my stamina, of course.

And that might take a couple of years.

Sadly for Juanita,

she had ignored the first rule of war...

Good morning, Carlos. - The maid stays.

Never underestimate your enemy.

Of the many suburban rituals,

none is quite so cherished as the neighborhood yard sale.

The shoppers come to sift through

the discarded belongings of someone they don't really know,

in hopes of finding bargains they don't really need,

each so determined to save a few pennies

They often miss hidden treasures.

Hey, Paul. - Hi, Susan.

I was a little surprised to see Mary Alice's award for sale.

She got it for doing charity work from the Chamber of Commerce.

Zach and I are moving.

We don't need to carry any more than is necessary.

That makes sense.

I just wanted to make sure you didn't want it for Zach.

Something to remember his mother by.

Zach doesn't need a piece of glass to remember his mother.

I'm out of newspaper. Here.

Let's call it ten bucks for everything.

Great. Speaking of Zach... I haven't seen him around lately.

He's been a bit depressed.

I thought he could use a change of scenery,

so I sent him to stay with relatives.

Oh. Which ones? - You don't know them.

How did you get the fat lip? - The usual way

asking too many questions.

Did you find out where Zach is? - No.

But I can tell this much you he's not staying with relatives.

She's driven me crazy, mama.

It could be any one of these guys she's having an affair with.

Don't worry about it. I'm not letting her out of my sight.

Who the hell is that?

Look the way she is touching him.

Do you think that's the guy she's having an affair with?

Carlos, don't be stupid with that.

A guy she talks to in public

isn't someone you're gonna worry about.

So it's someone that she doesn't talk to.

What I have to do, beat up every guy in town?

Marriage takes work.

I'm not surprise that he's playing it close to the vest.

Paul knows we're onto him.

Zach said Mary Alice killed herself

because of something he'd done. Something bad.

Is there anyone else who'd know what he was talking about?

No. That's why we have to find him.

It's the only way we'll know the truth.

It just doesn't make any sense. Zach is such a sweet kid.

I can't imagine him doing anything that terrible.

He did break into your house.

I mean the kid's obviously troubled in some way.

Severe depression, borderline personality disorder.

Zach is a deeply troubled young man. - I'm aware of that.

What are you giving him?

Antidepressants and a mood stabilizer.

Good.

I'm also recommending extensive psychotherapy

to help unearth any repressed memory.

I don't think so.

Mr. Young, I can't just medicate him indefinitely.

Forget the Freud and stick with the drugs.

No new treatments without my permission.

Great version of little red riding hood.

It is your involvement

that makes the plays here at Barcliff Academy so special.

Thank you.

I would like to turn over the next part of our meeting

to our parent coordinator, the amazing Maisy Gibbons.

Thank you, Miss Truesdale. Now before everyone leaves,

we have new copies of the script up here.

Tilda and Frances and I went to the rehearsal yesterday,

and we were a little troubled by the ending.

Killing the wolf. It sends the wrong message to our kids.

We believe that animals should only

be euthanized as a last resort.

Do you find something amusing?

I'm sorry. I thought you were kidding.

No. - Oh. Ok.

In our version, the wolf is aggressive

because he has a thorn in his paw,

and the woodsman will take out the

thorn and send Mr. Wolf on his way.

I'm sorry. Aren't we doing little red riding hood?

Yes. - So then you are aware that the wolf is a bad guy.

He eats little red's grandma.

If you let him go, he's gonna chow

down on other defenseless old ladies.

I'm sorry. And you are?

I'm Lynette Scavo.

My twins just joined. They're playing oak trees.

Oh, of course. Lynette.

Let's see. You are signed up to

take tickets the night of the show, is that right?

Yeah. - Well, with all due respect,

let's leave the creative suggestions

to the mothers who have assumed the heavy lifting. Shall we?

Sure. Whatever.

I must say I'm jealous of how

much time you two spend together.

My mother-in-law would never want

to hang out with me all day.

She sounds nice.

Hey there, you two.

Hi, John.

Mrs. Solis.

I wasn't aware you two were friends.

We go to the same school. - Of course you do.

Mama, if you need anything.

We'll be upstairs in my room studying.

Have fun.

Doesn't it make you nervous?

A boy alone upstairs with Danielle?

Oh, no. I don't worry about John.

Both he and Danielle are in the abstinence club.

Coffee's a little hot.

Susan was infuriated by Paul's evasive answers.

She was convinced he was deliberately hiding Zach

and hiding the truth.

She hoped that finding one would lead to the other.

To succeed, Susan would have to be evasive herself.

Susan. Long time no see. - Mrs. Greenberg.

Do you remember those two eggs

I let you borrow last Christmas?

I need those back. - Gosh, honey, I'm fresh out.

But if you want, I could run to the store.

Oh, forget about it. It's not that important.

But since I'm here, do you still have

that old hatchback sitting in your garage?

Can I borrow it tomorrow? - You want to borrow my car?

Just for a couple of hours.

I'm not sure. Do you know how to drive a stick?

Yes, I think so. I learned in college.

It's like riding a bike, right?

I'm not sure, dear.

It's no big deal. It's just for a couple of hours.

I let you borrow my eggs for a whole year.

Fist off, I'm very pleased with the work we've

done in our sessions thus far.

We're making excellent progress.

Thank you. I feel good about it.

But there are a few areas of your

marriage we haven't covered yet.

Oh, really? Like what?

I've told Dr. Goldfine in our private sessions

that I'm not happy with our sex life.

And Rex feels that when the two of you have intercourse,

you're not as connected as you could be.

Connected? - Yeah.

Like you're thinking about other things.

Is your hair getting messed up?

Did you buy the toothpaste? You're just not there.

This kind of disconnect is often

a symptom of a deeper problem.

So we were talking and the idea

of a sexual surrogate came up.

This is a licensed professional

who'd work with you as a couple

on solving whatever sexual problems you may be having.

I have an excellent referral.

And what would this sexual surrogate person do?

She would coach us. - She?

She's very discreet. You'll hardly notice she's there.

Oh. So she would be in the room with us

while we make love?

Yes. Helping us to achieve maximum sexual potential.

Do you have any questions? - Just one.

How much longer is your mid-life crisis going to last?

Because it is really starting to tick me off.

Right. Everyone's down for a nap.

We've got no more than an hour. Let's get cracking.

Five-card draw. Nothing wild.

How is it going with mike, Susan?

It's going, finally.

We have a first official date next week.

I think he's taking me to see a play or something.

Might I suggest the Barcliff Academy

production of little red riding hood?

Oh, that's right. The twins' stage debut.

Are they having fun?

Sure. They play oak trees.

I have to deal with the drama behind the scenes.

Oh, I take it you've met Maisy Gibbons?

She's a total nightmare.

I guess I shouldn't have challenged her. - Oh, dear.

Because now no one on the play committee wants to talk to me.

Maisy does love to rule her little kingdom.

Hasn't changed since girl scouts.

Girls smile at you to your face

and then behind your back, make fun of you 'cause

you're the only one not shaving your legs yet.

That wouldn't happen in boy scouts.

When I worked with men,

I preferred the way they fought.

A guy takes his opponent on face-to-face,

and once he's won, he's top dog.

It's primitive but it's fair.

And a lot less sneaky.

Isn't it sexist of us to generalize like this?

It's science, Gabrielle.

Sociologists have documented this stuff.

Well, who am I to argue with sociologists?

Wow, this guacamole has got a kick.

I'm gonna run to the little girl's room.

You go ahead. I might be a while.

I hate playing three-handed poker. Let's take a break.

I'll play. - You play poker?

I used to play with my grandfather. - Pull up a chair.

You're just playing for chips?

My grandfather used to say

it's always more fun to play for money.

Why not? 50 cents a bet? - Make it a buck.

Three raise limit, $20 buy-in.

Mrs. Solis! What are you doing?

Why haven't you returned my calls?

I've been busy. - I've seen who you've been busy with.

Danielle? Come on. She's just a friend.

Before you get any friendlier, let me remind you,

I can do things to you she can't even pronounce.

A lot of good it does me with your

mother-in-law following you around all the time.

Maybe we should just cool it for a while.

No, John, please don't say that.

I have everything under control.

Now give me a boost.

Hey. So what did I miss?

Not much. Just a few friendly hands of poker with the girls.

I'm sorry I'm late.

As I'm sure you've all heard,

Celia Bond broke her wrist playing tennis.

Which means we are now in desperate need

of someone to do the costumes.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Are there any volunteers?

I'll do it.

Really? That's a --Do you know how to sew?

Absolutely.

Well, great. Thank you, Lynette.

Ok. So now that I'm going to do some "heavy lifting",

I believe I have the right to talk

about the changes made to the script?

Ladies.

We grew up with little red riding hood,

and survived it, scary stuff and all.

So I say to hell with political correctness.

Let our kids experience this classic

like it was meant to be enjoyed.

Let's kill the damn wolf and just

put on the best show we can.

Thank you, Lynette, for that impassioned speech.

But I believe that ship has sailed. - No! It hasn't.

We still have time to change the ending back.

And you know, Maisy, it is just a fairy tale.

I don't think it will upset the children.

I think you're wrong.

That's what's so great about democracy.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

Also, everyone has a right to vote.

So all in favor of the woodsman going

medieval on the big bad wolf's ass.

Dr. Goldfine.

Bree. - You're dining alone?

Actually, I am. - What a coincidence. So am I.

Seems a shame for us to eat by ourselves.

Shall I pull up a chair?

Bree, it's nothing personal,

but I never socialize with clients.

Oh, I get it. I'm so sorry. Of course. It's inappropriate.

It's just that after what happened yesterday

there's so much I need to say because...

I suppose it can wait.

No, Lynette, I'm sorry. Juanita's taking a bath.

How much did she win from you?

Jeez!

Yeah, I guess she'll take a check.

Ok. All right. Bye.

What was that about?

Turns out your mother is quite the card shark.

You let her play cards? How long did she play?

Not that long. Why?

Carlos, what is it?

I never told you this, but my mother

had a serious gambling problem.

Was this before we were married?

Yeah. It was bad.

She went into debt. Dipped into her savings,

started hocking jewelry.

Honey, it was only a small neighborhood game.

It doesn't take much for her to fall off the wagon.

I know she seems like a very strong woman but...

She has a major weakness.

Honey... Oh... It's ok.

You were right to tell me this.

And you understand I have to treat this as a session.

Of course. That's fine.

Shall I include the meal?

Oh, no. We'll split that.

Ok.

So let's talk about yesterday.

Do you think there might have

been some truth in what Rex said?

No, I don't.

Bree, you know. It's not uncommon for people experiencing

sexual repression to distance themselves during the act.

Is that how you see me?

As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish?

I love sex. - All right.

I love everything about it. The sensations. The smells.

I especially love the feel of a man.

All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body.

And then when you add friction!

The tactile sensation of running my tongue

over a man's nipple ever so gently.

And then there's the act itself. Two bodies becoming one,

and that final eruption of pleasure.

To be honest. The only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum.

Obviously it has its practical applications,

but I'm not a fan.

Can I get you something?

Uh... Just the check, please.

Sir, you haven't ordered yet.

We're not shopping?

Oh, I thought we stop you for lunch first.

This place has the best buffet in town.

All-you-can-eat crab legs.

Oh, no! - What's wrong? Let's go.

Oh, I didn't realize how late it was.

They are only holding the suit minute for me until two.

If we stay I'll never make it.

We'll just have lunch at the mall.

Wait. Uh... I'm really in the mood for crab legs.

Why don't you just drop me off and you can come back.

Well, if the mall is crowded it might take over an hour.

It's a buffet. There's no rush.

Hi, John. Motel. Ten minutes. Be there.

All right. Off you go. Thanks.

Lynette, I couldn't help notice

you forgot the coonskin on that hunter's coonskin cap.

Yeah. That was a creative call.

Look, I'm in the middle of a costumes crisis.

If I don't take shortcuts I'll never finish.

Jordana Geist manages to get her work done.

She runs the concessions, paints the sets,

and still has time to take care of her three kids and a husband.

Now, we can't have the students suffer

just because you don't understand

the concept of time management.

I hardly think the kids are gonna suffer

without a clump of fur on their heads.

Ok. I'll make a creative call. We'll cut the oak trees.

That forest is looking a little dense anyway.

My boys are the oak trees. - Are they?

Well, I wouldn't worry.

We'll find something for them to do backstage.

That's where the real action is.

I'll finish the costumes. - Well. Crisis averted.

You have lost your mind. - I checked up on Silvercrest place.

It's a treatment center for troubled kids.

Who is gonna notice. One more,

I create the distraction, you blend in and find Zach.

How could I blend in with messed-up teenagers?

I don't know, Julie.

You pretend to be bulimic. Gag a little.

Come on. Work with me here.

Mama, when this is over,

we need to talk about your parenting skills.

Ok, fine. You don't want to help me,

I'm not gonna force you.

It's not that I don't want to. It's just...

Why does this mean so much to you?

Because Mary Alice was a wonderful person.

And now all anybody thinks about her is that

she went off the deep end and did this terrible, selfish thing.

And I think there's more to it than that.

she was my friend, Julie,

and I owe it to her to find out the truth.

Juanita, what's wrong?

Juanita?

I didn't go to the buffet. I went gambling instead and I lost.

How much did you have on you? It couldn't have been much.

I used Carlos' credit card.

Ok. How much did you charge?

I don't know. It stopped working.

What do you mean it stopped working?

This thing has like a $15,000 credit limit.

The man at the desk said there were no vacant rooms.

Mind if I bunk with you?

Bree, what are you doing here?

It's a little chilly out here.

Do you mind if we discuss this inside?

Come on in.

Sure is nice and toasty in here.

You look amazing. - Thanks.

I was hoping you'd notice.

Well, it certainly isn't the Ritz,

but it has all the essentials.

I don't know what to say.

The perhaps you should say nothing.

Rex? Baby...

I just need a minute. - What?

Sweetie, just leave it, will you? Just leave it.

Ok, baby. Where were we?

I told you to leave it.

I'm sorry. I just...

Oh, come on. Are you gonna make a big deal about this?

You know? To tell you the truth.

Now is not really a good time for me.

It's obvious you've never had to remove a cheese stain.

Bree, I totally understand. Yeah, I already tried Susan.

And Gaby can't sew. Seriously, I'm gonna be fine.

Yeah. Ow! Thanks anyway. Bye-bye.

Well, I'm a little ahead with my painting.

If you need some help.

Oh, Jordana, you are a life-saver. Thank you.

Here. These pieces need trim.

I'll help for as long as I can,

but I have a lot on my plate tonight.

I have to make 25 mini Quiches for my book club.

You're not a human, are you?

You were sent by aliens to make humans race feel inadequate.

Seriously, how do you cram it all in?

Can you keep a secret? - Um... Sure.

That's ADD medication.

Oh, my kids take this or they almost did.

I thought it was supposed to calmed you down.

Has the opposite effect if you don't have ADD.

Ever chug a pot of Turkish coffee?

Seriously? You're taking your kids' medication?

Once in a while. Do you want a couple?

Oh, that's very kind of you but I just

smoked some crack a little while ago. So.

I'd better not mix.

This is what we will do. I'll sell some old jewelry.

Pay off the credit card, and Carlos will never find out.

You would do that for me?

Of course I would. Why wouldn't I?

For starters, you hate me.

Oh, that is overstating it... a little.

The bottom line is, no matter how much I dislike you,

I love Carlos more.

If Carlos finds out the money, he'll be devastated.

I don't wanna see him hurt.

You don't have to believe I'm a good person,

but at least believe I care about my husband.

Fine. To heck with it.

I'm not gonna risk my neck to protect you.

I'm calling Carlos.

Juanita might have ben the gambler of the family...

Wait. I believe you.

...but Gabrielle was

the one who knew how to bluff.

Hi. I'm Susan Mayer.

I have an appointment to see Dr. Sicher.

Yes, he's expecting you. Let me get him for you.

Hi. I'm Dr. Sicher. - Susan Mayer.

So you're doing research for a children's book?

I sure am.

Zach?

Oh. Hi, Julie.

What's wrong with you?

Just all the pills they make me take.

They kinda make me sleepy.

What are you doing here?

I came to see how you were.

And to ask you something.

Look, I don't have much time.

What is it?

Last week you told Mrs. Van de Kamp

your mom killed herself

because of something you did, something bad.

What were you talking about?

After my mom died, I started remembering

things that happened when I was little.

What happened to Dana. - Dana? Who's Dana?

What are you doing here?

I was just visiting my friend.

This patient is not allowed visitors.

I guess I have to go.

I am so sorry, Zach.

I don't want to disturb you.

I just left some important papers here.

What are you doing?

I'm repairing a chipped mug.

Why don't you just buy a new one?

Because I think it's better to fix what you already have.

Listen. Um...

About what happened today.

You humiliated me, Rex.

For no good reason.

I'm sorry. - I was there. I was willing.

Normal men don't say no to that.

You... You upset me.

See, I don't think that's the reason.

After I left the motel,

I did some thinking about us and our sex life.

I realized there has been a disconnect.

But it's coming from you. - That's ridiculous.

how many years we've been making love

and you've started to ask me something

but then you stopped.

I... I don't know what you are talking about?

You are unhappy with our sex life

because you're not getting something from me

but you're simplely too afraid to ask.

My problem with our sex life is that you can't stop

thinking about the housework.

Well, if that's the case,

then take me right here, right now.

The house is spotless.

There are no burritos around to pull my focus.

I'm not in the mood. - Why not?

We haven't had sex for months, Rex.

Most normal, red-blooded men

would be climbing the walls by now.

Please don't do this.

Rex, whatever you want.

I will go there with you. You just have to say it out loud.

Tell me. What do you want? What do you need?

I need for you to stop talking like this.

Why? - Because you sound like a whore.

No, I sound like a woman

whose husband won't touch her.

Rex, after Mary Alice killed herself,

it all hit me.

We all have our secrets.

I think it's time for you to tell me yours.

I'm going.

That night, while most of Wisteria Lane

dreamt the night away,

Lynette was in the middle of her own personal nightmare.

Determined her boys would not miss their fairy-tale debut,

Lynette had stayed up 18 hours straight, sewing.

But she began to fear her story

would not have a happy ending.

Luckily for Lynette, she had a magic potion handy.

And once she had taken it...

The magic kept working...

And working...

And working.

It wasn't until noon that Lynette finally took a break,

and the reality of what she had done began to sink in.

My. What big eyes you have.

I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?

I'm fine, thank you.

So what's been going on with her?

Have you found anything out yet?

Actually, Carlos, the more I watch her, the more

I think she's probably not stepping out on you.

Really?

Yeah. She's not perfect, Lord knows.

But she loves you. I can tell.

Mama. You don't know what a relief it is to hear that.

You know, it's funny. I really think she loves you, too.

Oh?

I got concerned when I heard you

played poker with her friends.

So I told her about your little problem.

You told her about my gambling problem?

Don't be mad, Mama. I just didn't want

you slipping into old habits.

And Gabrielle was very concerned about you. - She knew?

I don't get it. You and Zach never went

to school with anybody named Dana.

He didn't say it was somebody we went to school with.

Did it sound like a relative?

He said Dana. It sounded like "Dana".

Unless he was using a code,

that's all I got.

Ok, give me a break here. I'm just grasping at straws.

I'm sorry. I'm worried about Zach.

It's really creepy in there.

Can't we get him out?

Honey, that's up to his father.

Then I want to visit again.

That's not a good idea either.

Why?

I just have a feeling.

Juanita was now more convinced than ever

that her treacherous daughter-in-law was having an affair.

But the question remained, with whom?

And suddenly...

Juanita remembered

it wasn't the men Gabrielle talked to

that she had to worry about.

Hey, Jordana, Maisy.

Here are the costumes. Right on time.

Thank you, Lynette.

This is a bit awkward.

There has been an oversight with the programs.

Celia Bond is still credited with costumes.

They forgot to tell the printer.

Incidentally, who is "they",

as in, "they forgot to tell the printer"?

That would be me. I'm sorry.

But I was so overworked this week with

all the script changes you demanded.

Uh-huh. Well, these things happen.

Be right back.

Would you do something with this?

It looks like road kill.

Ok, lady, that's it.

I beg your pardon?

We have kids the same age.

Which means there're years ahead of us

having to deal with each other.

So instead of playing petty games,

why don't we put an end to this right now?

What are you saying? - Let's take it outside.

Let's take what outside?

Your sorry ass. We're throwin' down.

You are crazy. - Just being practical.

Isn't it better to settle this once in fraw

rather than endure all this Alpha-Mom crap

until our kids graduate?

Come on. I'll even let you take the first shot.

I don't have time for this.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

And just so you know, next spring,

when we do Bambi,

his mother's gonna take a slug to the heart

and you're gonna like it.

The search for power begins when we're quite young.

As children, we're taught that the power

of good triumphs over the power of evil.

But as we get older,

we realize that nothing is ever that simple.

Traces of evil always remain.